UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY TOURNAMENT SEMI-FINAL FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH: The Mack vs. Cage- 3/10
This match wasn’t originally supposed to be Falls Count Anywhere, but Dario came out and added the stip just for the sake of the callback to last year’s Ultima Lucha. To be honest, I think that was for the best, as I really don’t enjoy either of these guys outside of a “hit other people with things” environment.
They did, indeed, hit each other with things and it all looked great… until The Mack decided to go get some pinatas that were being stored backstage. Striker tried to justify their presence by saying they were for the “after party” (because that’s totally what happens after a huge wrestling event. All of the guys that were trying to kill each other on the show all get together and have a big party). Of course, one of these pinatas was filled with metal things for no other reason than to have a pinata filled with metal things for the “surprise” of it, even though we all saw it coming a mile away because we’ve all seen this a million times before. This is exactly the sort of sh*t that needs to not happen anywhere ever. Even when they’re not in the promotion, the Young Bucks’ influence still manages to ruin things.
There’s also beer in there, so The Mack smashes two cans together above his head, drinks what comes down, and then kicks Cage in the gut and goes for the Stunner because he’s not a real wrestler; just a child in a grown-up’s body getting the chance to play Stone Cold Steve Austin on TV. Ah. Now they’re back to being serious. Wait, no, now we’re back to playing wrestler.
Thirteen minutes into the show and we’ve seen hard metal objects to the head, broken glass, and a f*cking balcony dive… and all of that got kicked out of. Then they did a f*cking ROLL-UP FINISH. I don’t care if a callback to last year’s finish. It’s impossible for me to care about a roll-up when it comes a mere sixty seconds after a BALCONY DIVE. People whine about WWE’s agents restricting moves, but Brian Cage is exactly the sort of wrestler who needs an agent putting together his matches for him. I doubt I will see worse psychology in any match this year outside of BOLA (and without Ciampa in the promotion anymore we all know the match worse than this one is still going to be a Brian Cage match).
UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY TOURNAMENT BOYLE HEIGHTS BAR FIGHT SEMI-FINAL MATCH: El Texano Jr. vs. Son of Havoc- No rating.
Yeah… this was also supposed to be a regular match, but Dario comes out and says that when he sees a biker and a cowboy he thinks of a bar, so therefore this will be a “Boyle Heights Bar Fight” and they’ve got this stupid bar set-up at ringside. This is SOOOO stupid. Pointless gimmicks for idiotic reasons. What’s the point of any of…
OH SH*T I JUST FIGURED IT ALL OUT!
You remember that shadowy mysterious boss guy that Councilman Delgado told Dario was coming to The Temple soon and Dario was very afraid of? It’s Vince Russo (and dear G-d I really do hope that turns out to be a joke and not a correct prediction).
Anyway, they brawl on the outside and then into a room, which is exactly what happened in the last match. Son of Havoc emerges from the room carrying a fire extinguisher and wearing a fireman’s hat… and unlike the last match, I’m going to give this one a pass because the fireman’s hat had a big visor on it which seems like it will do a great job of protecting Son of Havoc’s eyes from any shards of glass that are sent flying when one of these guys inevitably smashes the other with one of the glasses or glass bottles at the bar.
See! I was right. And the helmet protected his head, too.
Anyway, El Texano Jr. takes a bunch of scary bumps onto sharp objects and the stupid
This was the first time I’ve ever been uncomfortable watching Lucha Underground and the really the first time I’ve been uncomfortable watching wrestling in a very long time. It’s been quite a while since I watched deathmatches, but even then I could usually dismiss it as idiots slicing up their own foreheads and backs. It’s stupid and dangerous, but no one thing they do looks like it could be fatal (assuming nothing catches an artery). This, though… Texano easily could have wound up with large chunks of glass or wood puncturing vital organs at two different points during this match. Maybe they were props and the magic of the theater got to me, but regardless of whether or not the danger was real, I thought it was, and that made it almost impossible for me to enjoy this match.
UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY TOURNAMENT FINAL FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH: Son of Havoc vs. The Mack- 1/10
Dario came out and made this match Falls Count Anywhere as well. He didn’t even bother trying to come up with a reason this time. It’s a Falls Count Anywhere match now, so they do, like, two spots on the outside, then get back in the ring and just take turns trying to do flips onto each other. After what I saw people getting hit with weapons and almost impaled with chair legs all night? This sucked.
WHAT IS SON OF HAVOC’S UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY?- He gets a choice between $250,000, or a Lucha Underground Title shot at Ultima Lucha III. Son of Havoc picks the title shot, so of course Dario f*cks him over, telling him that he will only get it if he wins one more match tonight. If he loses, not only will he not get the title shot, but his opponent will walk away with the $250,000.
MATCH WITH STIPS THAT I JUST OUTLINED ABOVE: Son of Havoc vs. Dr. Wagner Jr. (w/Famous B & Brenda)- 0.5/10
They went, like, three minutes. Son of Havoc gets screwed… and do you know what? I don’t even care. It feels like they’re trying to kill stipulations on purpose. I get that Dario’s gimmick that he is going to try to screw you, either via double-edged sword like what happened to Drago or by some sort of thing like this, and yes, expecting to get screwed makes me less upset when they inevitably screw us on the stips… but it also means that I stop giving a sh*t about whatever the reward is in the first place, so I’m not excited at all for the matches.
I hated this show for a number of reasons. Obvious there was the pointless hardcore matches with dumb comedy, poor psychology, and disturbingly dangerous bumps
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Striker tells us that Son of Havoc “started off the perennial underdog. Couldn’t catch a break; couldn’t win a match.”
He actually won his very first LU match, despite his opponent jumping him from behind.
2. Striker would later say that Havoc was celebrating “with the believers that have been there with him since day one.”
He came into the promotion as a heel and Striker would always talk about how much the fans hated him!
WEEK 2:
ELIMINATION MATCH FOR THE VACANT LUCHA UNDERGROUND GIFT OF THE GODS TITLE: Night Claw vs. Daga vs. Sinestro de la Muerte vs. Mariposa vs. Sexy Star vs. Marty “The Moth” Martinez vs. Killshot- 7/10
Marty rubbed Killshot’s dogtags on his junk, so Killshot started the match by going after Marty. Sexy Star and Mariposa went after each other right away, too. Sexy Star got the best of that, but then she got kicked in the head by Daga, which greatly pleased the watching Kobra Moon. The four people who already had issues with each other all fought on the outside while Daga, Sinestro de la Muerte, and Night Claw fought on the inside.
For a long time, the match seemed to be about showing everyone how totally awesome this new Night Claw guy was… and he was totally awesome. He got the first two eliminations, but then was eliminated by Killshot and my interest in this match stated to wane. It then waned even more when Killshot was eliminated and it became clear that the match was all about having Jane Cena overcome the odds. Yeah there’s some bookending here, but did we really need this? Why not try to elevate someone else, like any of the newer, less established guys? Daga and especially Sinestro del la Muerte need wins to not look like jokes, Night Claw winning this match with a bunch of eliminations would have established him as a top guy, and Mariposa needed this even more than anyone else. She’s supposed to be the most fearsome warrior of the Moth Tribe, but pretty much since her second or third match she’s been nothing but Sexy Star’s personal jobber. I really hope she loses the title to someone else because if I have to sit through another round of Matt Striker talking her nebulous backstory and yet never giving any details, I’m going to throw something. Yeah, the match was pretty great (mostly due to Night Claw and Killshot), but from an editorial standpoint, I didn’t like it.
MR. CISQO IS HESITANT ABOUT WEARING A WIRE- Joey Ryan is the bad cop, Ricky Reyes is the good cop. Finally, something I’m interested in.
DEATH MATCH: King Cuerno vs. Mil Muertes (w/Catrina)- 8/10
That is some escalating violence right there. The one thing I didn’t like was the uniformed paramedics at the end. This is The Temple! Having people in official uniforms just doesn’t feel right.
OH SH*T VAMPIRO DUMPED HIS PILLS IN THE GARBAGE!
MR. CISQO TALKS TO DARIO- Dario figures out he’s wearing a wire and BEATS HIM TO DEATH WITH THE RED BULL STATUETTE! Then he picks up the red phone on his desk (and we can clearly see the blood on his hands) and tells the person on the other end “it’s time.”
I CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK!
Now THIS was Ultima f*cking Lucha!