UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY TOURNAMENT SEMI-FINAL FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH: The Mack vs. Cage- 3/10
This match wasn’t originally supposed to be Falls Count Anywhere, but Dario came out and added the stip just for the sake of the callback to last year’s Ultima Lucha. To be honest, I think that was for the best, as I really don’t enjoy either of these guys outside of a “hit other people with things” environment.
They did, indeed, hit each other with things and it all looked great… until The Mack decided to go get some pinatas that were being stored backstage. Striker tried to justify their presence by saying they were for the “after party” (because that’s totally what happens after a huge wrestling event. All of the guys that were trying to kill each other on the show all get together and have a big party). Of course, one of these pinatas was filled with metal things for no other reason than to have a pinata filled with metal things for the “surprise” of it, even though we all saw it coming a mile away because we’ve all seen this a million times before. This is exactly the sort of sh*t that needs to not happen anywhere ever. Even when they’re not in the promotion, the Young Bucks’ influence still manages to ruin things.
There’s also beer in there, so The Mack smashes two cans together above his head, drinks what comes down, and then kicks Cage in the gut and goes for the Stunner because he’s not a real wrestler; just a child in a grown-up’s body getting the chance to play Stone Cold Steve Austin on TV. Ah. Now they’re back to being serious. Wait, no, now we’re back to playing wrestler.
Thirteen minutes into the show and we’ve seen hard metal objects to the head, broken glass, and a f*cking balcony dive… and all of that got kicked out of. Then they did a f*cking ROLL-UP FINISH. I don’t care if a callback to last year’s finish. It’s impossible for me to care about a roll-up when it comes a mere sixty seconds after a BALCONY DIVE. People whine about WWE’s agents restricting moves, but Brian Cage is exactly the sort of wrestler who needs an agent putting together his matches for him. I doubt I will see worse psychology in any match this year outside of BOLA (and without Ciampa in the promotion anymore we all know the match worse than this one is still going to be a Brian Cage match).
UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY TOURNAMENT BOYLE HEIGHTS BAR FIGHT SEMI-FINAL MATCH: El Texano Jr. vs. Son of Havoc- No rating.
Yeah… this was also supposed to be a regular match, but Dario comes out and says that when he sees a biker and a cowboy he thinks of a bar, so therefore this will be a “Boyle Heights Bar Fight” and they’ve got this stupid bar set-up at ringside. This is SOOOO stupid. Pointless gimmicks for idiotic reasons. What’s the point of any of…
OH SH*T I JUST FIGURED IT ALL OUT!
You remember that shadowy mysterious boss guy that Councilman Delgado told Dario was coming to The Temple soon and Dario was very afraid of? It’s Vince Russo (and dear G-d I really do hope that turns out to be a joke and not a correct prediction).
Anyway, they brawl on the outside and then into a room, which is exactly what happened in the last match. Son of Havoc emerges from the room carrying a fire extinguisher and wearing a fireman’s hat… and unlike the last match, I’m going to give this one a pass because the fireman’s hat had a big visor on it which seems like it will do a great job of protecting Son of Havoc’s eyes from any shards of glass that are sent flying when one of these guys inevitably smashes the other with one of the glasses or glass bottles at the bar.
See! I was right. And the helmet protected his head, too.
Anyway, El Texano Jr. takes a bunch of scary bumps onto sharp objects and the stupid
This was the first time I’ve ever been uncomfortable watching Lucha Underground and the really the first time I’ve been uncomfortable watching wrestling in a very long time. It’s been quite a while since I watched deathmatches, but even then I could usually dismiss it as idiots slicing up their own foreheads and backs. It’s stupid and dangerous, but no one thing they do looks like it could be fatal (assuming nothing catches an artery). This, though… Texano easily could have wound up with large chunks of glass or wood puncturing vital organs at two different points during this match. Maybe they were props and the magic of the theater got to me, but regardless of whether or not the danger was real, I thought it was, and that made it almost impossible for me to enjoy this match.
UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY TOURNAMENT FINAL FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH: Son of Havoc vs. The Mack- 1/10
Dario came out and made this match Falls Count Anywhere as well. He didn’t even bother trying to come up with a reason this time. It’s a Falls Count Anywhere match now, so they do, like, two spots on the outside, then get back in the ring and just take turns trying to do flips onto each other. After what I saw people getting hit with weapons and almost impaled with chair legs all night? This sucked.
WHAT IS SON OF HAVOC’S UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY?- He gets a choice between $250,000, or a Lucha Underground Title shot at Ultima Lucha III. Son of Havoc picks the title shot, so of course Dario f*cks him over, telling him that he will only get it if he wins one more match tonight. If he loses, not only will he not get the title shot, but his opponent will walk away with the $250,000.
MATCH WITH STIPS THAT I JUST OUTLINED ABOVE: Son of Havoc vs. Dr. Wagner Jr. (w/Famous B & Brenda)- 0.5/10
They went, like, three minutes. Son of Havoc gets screwed… and do you know what? I don’t even care. It feels like they’re trying to kill stipulations on purpose. I get that Dario’s gimmick that he is going to try to screw you, either via double-edged sword like what happened to Drago or by some sort of thing like this, and yes, expecting to get screwed makes me less upset when they inevitably screw us on the stips… but it also means that I stop giving a sh*t about whatever the reward is in the first place, so I’m not excited at all for the matches.
I hated this show for a number of reasons. Obvious there was the pointless hardcore matches with dumb comedy, poor psychology, and disturbingly dangerous bumps
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Striker tells us that Son of Havoc “started off the perennial underdog. Couldn’t catch a break; couldn’t win a match.”
He actually won his very first LU match, despite his opponent jumping him from behind.
2. Striker would later say that Havoc was celebrating “with the believers that have been there with him since day one.”
He came into the promotion as a heel and Striker would always talk about how much the fans hated him!
WEEK 2:
ELIMINATION MATCH FOR THE VACANT LUCHA UNDERGROUND GIFT OF THE GODS TITLE: Night Claw vs. Daga vs. Sinestro de la Muerte vs. Mariposa vs. Sexy Star vs. Marty “The Moth” Martinez vs. Killshot- 7/10
Marty rubbed Killshot’s dogtags on his junk, so Killshot started the match by going after Marty. Sexy Star and Mariposa went after each other right away, too. Sexy Star got the best of that, but then she got kicked in the head by Daga, which greatly pleased the watching Kobra Moon. The four people who already had issues with each other all fought on the outside while Daga, Sinestro de la Muerte, and Night Claw fought on the inside.
For a long time, the match seemed to about showing everyone how totally awesome this new Night Claw guy was… and he was totally awesome. He got the first two eliminations, but then was eliminated by Killshot and my interest in this match stated to wane. It then waned even more when Killshot was eliminated and it became clear that the match was all about having Jane Cena overcome the odds. Yeah there’s some bookending here, but did we really need this? Why not try to elevate someone else, like any of the newer, less established guys? Daga and especially Sinestro del la Muerte need wins to not look like jokes, Night Claw winning this match with a bunch of eliminations would have established him as a top guy, and Mariposa needed this even more than anyone else. She’s supposed to be the most fearsome warrior of the Moth Tribe, but pretty much since her second or third match she’s been nothing but Sexy Star’s personal jobber. I really hope she loses the title to someone else because if I have to sit through another round of Matt Striker talking her nebulous backstory and yet never giving any details, I’m going to throw something. Yeah, the match was pretty great (mostly due to Night Claw and Killshot), but from an editorial standpoint, I didn’t like it.
MR. CISQO IS HESISTANT ABOUT WEARING A WIRE- Joey Ryan is the bad cop, Ricky Reyes is the good cop. Finally, something I’m interested in.
DEATH MATCH: King Cuerno vs. Mil Muertes (w/Catrina)- 8/10
That is some escalating violence right there. The one thing I didn’t like was the uniformed paramedics at the end. This is The Temple! Having people in official uniforms just doesn’t feel right.
OH SH*T VAMPIRO DUMPED HIS PILLS IN THE GARGABE!
MR. CISQO TALKS TO DARIO- Dario figures out he’s wearing a wire and BEATS HIM TO DEATH WITH THE RED BULL STATUETTE! Then he picks up the red phone on his desk (and we can clearly see the blood on his hands) and tells the person on the other end “it’s time.”
I CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK!
Now THIS was Ultima f*cking Lucha!
WEEK 3:
VAMPIRO & PENTAGON JR. STAND OUTSIDE OF A CAVE-
Vamp tells Pentagon Jr. that in order to truly have no fear and defeat Matanza, he must “destroy” the man he was- the man who was broken by Matanza. Then Vampiro sends Pentagon Jr. into a dark cave, telling him that “fear” is inside. Pentagon Jr. is attacked by Darth Vader but defeats him in a lightsaber duel, but it turns out that under Vader’s mask he was wearing a Pentagon Jr. mask.
Whoops. Sorry. Wrong thing.
He does fight… a gang of copies of himself? Maybe? He beats them up. The final one looks different and speaks English. He defeats it, and unmasks it and it turns out it’s Vampiro, who tells him that he is now ready. This was weird. It ended with Vampiro rechristening him Pentagon Dark.
LUCHA UNDERGROUND TRIOS TITLES MATCH: Jack Evans, P.J. Black, & Johnny Mundo(c) vs. Drago, Aerostar, & Fenix- 6.75/10
Striker and Vampiro debate whether or not paying attention to who is the legal partner is important. This should never even be a debate.
Jack punched Aerostar in the anus. He later hit Fenix in the anus as well with some sort of… “put my hands together over my head with my fingers at a point, pretend I’m a rhinoceros, put my head down and charge across the ring” type of move. Fenix later got what I thought was a stomp to the balls but Striker said was to the anus. We also had the heels steal the old Ares/Claudio/Tursas BDK Ragnarok finisher which didn’t look anywhere near as cool when the guy taking the move is about the same size as the guys holding him up.
The action was really great but I didn’t like all of the overbooking. We had multiple ref bumps that were totally on purpose with no DQ. We had Fenix kicking out after getting crushed with three belt shots at the same time, killing that finish. I understand that it was done to justify the interference from the returning Angelico that gave the babyfaces the win, but I’d really have rather seen a (mostly) clean heel victory, with Angelico returning afterwards to chase them off, setting up Angelico, Ivelisse, and Son of Havoc going after the belts to start the next season. Don’t get me wrong: I see the benefits of booking this the way they did (more focus on Angelico as a singles wrestler, new faces with the tag titles, who, after a rematch with the now-former champs and the now full-strength dysfunctional babyface unit, can bring new people into the division), but the way the end of the season has been booked has me afraid that they’re going to have Son of Havoc, Angelico, and Ivelisse go their separate ways, and I think that would be to the detriment of at least Son of Havoc and Angelico, and possibly Ivelisse as well.
DRAGON AZTECA JR. vs. BLACK LOTUS- 4/10
Both of them got their entrances cut out of the show. Huh. I wonder what happened.
They were having a fine match, but this match was never going to be about actual wrestling so much as it was going to be about whatever winds up happening between them as it relates to Dario and Mantanza, so getting the finish that does absolutely nothing for that in any way was extremely disappointing. Did we really need Pentagon
PENTAGON DARK PROMO- good explanation of our opening segment for the live crowd.
LUCHA UNDERGROUND TITLE MATCH: “The Monster” Matanza Cueto(c) (w/Dario Cueto) vs. Pentagon Dark- 7.75/10
Apparently “there must be a winner” means “no DQs or count-outs.” If that’s what you mean, then just say it. To me, “there must be a winner” means that there can’t be any draws or any sort of double-finish.
Anyway, they had a really great brawl all over the place. The stuff with Dario was good as it protects Pentagon Dark while also building off of the comment that Vampiro had just made on commentary that someone needs to get rid of Dario (in fact, when Vamp got up and brought out the barbed-wire baseball bat I thought he was going to go over and take a swing at Dario instead of giving it to Pentagon). It lets this feud continue into next year while also escalating it, with the more active involvement from Dario and Vampiro hopefully adding some freshness to it next season.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- or they could go that way.
Vampiro goes to help Pentagon Dark up, but Pentagon Dark pushes him away. I assume Pentagon is angry because if he had just gone for the pin instead of getting the barbed-wire bat from (the very slow-moving) Vampiro, he would probably have won the match and the title. Pentagon Dark left without his maestro, and when we returned from commercial Vampiro was back on commentary, and while Striker was doing the welcome back, Vampiro (or maybe Ian?) was taking his pills again.
IVELISSE vs. TAYA- 5.75/10
They brawled. It was fine. Then they finally got back in the ring and Ivelisse hit a Code Red… and then the lights went off and Catrina used her magic to also switch places with the referee. She attacked Ivelisse and laid her out with a butterfly version of the Barbie Crusher. Then she teleported away again and the referee was back and Taya hit her Northern Lights Suplex into a double stomp finisher for the win. Then the lights went out again and now it was Taya who Catrina transported away and took her place. She said “Death comes to everyone. Even you, b*tch.” Then she gave Ivelisse the lick of death.
So far tonight we have had ZERO clean finishes, and with the possible exception of the opener, it has been all brawling and absolutely no wrestling. Hopefully the main event will fix that.
REY MYSTERIO JR. vs. PRINCE PUMA- 8.5/10
This definitely had the “big match” feel that the main event of your biggest show of the year should have. Rey shows that he can still go at a main event level (if used sparingly, which Lucha Underground has done a great job with) and Prince Puma gets to have yet another awesome main event. The announcers were pushing that Puma’s idolization of Rey caused him to be a little sentimental and take a bit too long on a 630 senton that might have put it away, but Rey moved and mostly took over and eventually won. We got the Rock-Hogan post-match deal where Rey won but called Prince Puma back and gave him center stage.
PENTAGON DARK ASSAULTS THE ANNOUNCERS- Yes, I did pop huge when Striker got superkicked.
He beat the sh*t out of Vampiro with the barbed-wire baseball bat. Vamp bled all over the place, and Pentagon Dark ate a good chunk of that blood. He also cut a promo saying that he was now the maestro.
DARIO CUETO IS ARRESTED- Dario has apparently been arrested by the cops. He is handcuffed and loaded into a van. As they drive away, his face becomes cloaked in shadow… and just like last year, it seems like a faint smile appears on his face at the end.
A good show in the ring, but very disappointing otherwise. After the Ivelisse vs. Taya match, this started to feel more like just a big but ultimately “regular” episode of LU. Like more of a half way point to a season than a season finale, and the ending to this show really solidified that to me. We got no payoff to any of the backstory stuff that had been built up all year (wasn’t the mysterious boss supposed to show up at Ultima Lucha?), and the finishes to all of the matches except the main event felt like transitions to new feuds (or in the case of Dragon Azteca Jr. vs. Black Lotus, stalling) rather than payoffs of their own. If we expand this to include the previous weeks of this supposedly “Ultima Lucha,” I think this also applies to the angle with Son of Havoc getting screwed in that stupid tournament and to many of the elements going in to the Gift of the Gods Title match (nothing happened with Daga and Kobra Moon, Killshot didn’t get his revenge on Marty, and there was no payoff or advancement whatsoever to Night Claw, either by revealing his identity, deepening the mystery, or putting him over extremely strong in order to deepen our desire to find out more about this masked man). There was no season-ending montage with a promise of things to come. Just Dario getting led away in handcuffs. Season two did not live up to the greatness of season one, and, fittingly, Ultima Lucha II did not live up to the greatness of the original.