BRM Reviews the 8/31/2020 Raw (very bad. Again)

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 8/31/2020 Raw (very bad. Again)

Post by Big Red Machine » Aug 31st, '20, 23:30

Drew McIntyre’s injuries turned out to be a lot less than career threatening, and we’re pretty sure he’s going to be back in time for the next PPV, so we’re booking him a challenger via a one-night mini-tournament. There are going to be three singles qualifiers, followed by a three-way for a title shot. Said matches are Kevin Owens vs. Randy Orton, Keith Lee vs. Dolph Ziggler, and Seth Rollins vs. Dominik Mysterio. Before you get too upset, Dominik is a replacement for his injured father.

OPENING SEGMENT- meh
Randy Orton came out and cut a standard Randy Orton promo on Drew McIntyre and the #1 contendership tournament. He completely ignored losing to Keith Lee last night, and so did the people who made the recap video that aired when he came out. The announcers made sure to bring it up, though, and so did Lee himself when he came out and interrupted Randy.
Lee cut his promo until he was interrupted by an attack from Dolph Ziggler. Lee managed to fight Dolph off, but was distracted by Orton so Dolph managed to hit him with a big DDT, taking us into a commercial. When we got back from the commercial, we were predictably about start the…

#1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH QUALIFIER: Keith Lee vs. Dolph Ziggler- 6/10
Dolph worked the head and neck but Lee overcame it and used his power to win.

SARAH SCHREIBER INTERVIEWS NIA JAX & SHAYNA BASZLER- bad
The tag champs and bickering. Asuka showed up and butted into their interview. Shayna told her odd, so Asuka shoved her. Nia then stepped up to Asuka and Asuka backed down. NO ONE came out of this looking likable in the slightest.

ADAM PEARCE THREATENS TO FIRE WRESTLING SHOW SECURITY FOR BEING INEFFECTIVE- How about if you hire more than five people to stop a group of at least nine?

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS ASUKA-
In the previous segment we were told that Asuka had “demanded” to know who her next challenger was, and here she is saying that it doesn’t matter who her next challenger is. That makes her look like even more of an asshole for “demanding” an answer that she doesn’t care about.
Asuka ran her mouth for a bit until Mickie James came out. Hooray for someone likable! Lana and Nattie also came out and ran their mouths. They called Mickie old, which is basically the only thing that ever happens to babyface Mickie James. It’s like how Jeff Hardy being a recovering addict has to be mentioned in every single feud he’s in in WWE.
Asuka says she’s ready for all of them. Mickie gets in Asuka’s face, foolishly turning her back on the heels, so they shove her into Asuka and attack them both. Despite the heels attacking them when they weren’t ready, the babyfaces manage to win the brawl. Just based on the fact that all four of these women are already wearing their gear even though they weren’t booked to wrestle, I’m guessing that when we come back from this commercial we’re going to get…

MICKIE JAMES & ASUKA vs. NATALYA & LANA-

HOLY SH*T, I WAS WRONG.

SOME BABYFACES AND THAT ANNOYING CHICK FROM THE BACHELOR BACKSTAGE- atrocious
She kisses Ivar and she tells Cedric “I am so impressed that no matter what, you turned down the invitation to join the Hurt Business.” Somewhere, a high school play is missing both its scriptwriter and its fourth understudy for “girl with three lines.
She also tells them “I support all of you.” The only way her presence will lead to anything good is if “support” is code for “am blowing” and Ivar snaps and goes nuts and becomes dangerous instead of the goofball joke he has been turned into.
After everyone left, pussy-hound Angel Garza was seen lurking around with a rose. Dude… CHARLY CARUSO is expressing interest in you! Forget about the vapid reality show bombo!

MICKIE JAMES vs. LANA (w/Natalya)- 1/10
Yeah. Apparently these poor women have been standing around for SEVEN AND A HALF MINUTES waiting to start their match. Would it really have killed you to just do the logical thing and just come back from the commercial with the match and then go to the backstage segment?
Asuka decided to be on commentary, even though she barely speaks English. Mickie won clean in three minutes.

CHARLY CARUSO WANTS TO INTERVIEW ALIESTER BLACK, BUT RANDY ORTON EMERGES FROM ALEISTER BLACK’S DRESSING ROOM- I don’t like this, just because I don’t see Aleister Black as the alliance-making type.

SARAH SCHREIBER INTERVIEWS THE IICONICS- Apparently the IIconics are in a match against the Riott Squad tonight where the winners get a tag title shot but the losers must split up forever… and the first time we’re hearing about this is an hour into the show. And where did that stipulation even come from?
They cut good promos, which has me worried that they’re going to lose.

#1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH QUALIFIER: Randy Orton vs. Kevin Owens- no rating, could have been a fine segment but they killed it with the referee’s overdramatic bullsh*t.
I’m sure you’ll all be shocked to learn that Aleister Black jumped Kevin Owens during his entrance. Byron Saxton wondered if this was why we saw Randy emerging from Aleister Black’s dressing room a few minutes ago. Joe was kind enough to say “of course it is, Byron!” in a way that didn’t show total disdain for Byron, although quite frankly Byron deserved the treatment J.R. gave Tony Schiavone on Dynamite when Ricky Starks was dressed up as Darby Allin. I wonder if people knock on Tony Schiavone’s door in Sting masks and Tony always lets them in because he assumes it’s Steve Borden.
Anyway, Aleister hit Owens a few times, threw him into stuff, and hit him with his finisher. Despite taking Aleister’s finisher, Owens was still able to stagger to the ring, but the referee was insistent that he could not allow Owen to compete tonight. No medical examination necessary. He just knew that this attack was too much, and even the possibility of postponing the match until later was off the table. Well if this f*cker is able to tell that instantaneously, why is he a referee and not the head of the medical staff?
Then there is the fact that we see people get attacked before matches all the time. Sure, they don’t always eat someone’s finisher, but it Drew McIntyre can still competently brawl with Randy Orton an hour and a half after taking two of Randy’s devastating punts the surely Owens will be fine to compete an hour after taking this attack here from Aleister (and especially if he was already close to being able to stand under his own power just moments after taking it).
And after all of that protesting on the referee’s part, he just let Owens wrestle anyway! Owens took a few swings at Randy, but Randy hit him with an RKO and pinned him in about fifteen seconds.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS THE MYSTERIO FAMILY- They’ve added another female. Rey was great, Dominik was meh.

THE VIP LOUNGE CELEBRATING BOBBY LASHLEY WINNING THE US TITLE LAST NIGHT- TERRIBLE!
All three members of the Hurt Business were great. Apparently not only are we getting Shelton vs. Apollo Crews in Raw Underground tonight, but also the Hurt Business vs. Cedric and the Viking Raiders. Why are we putting the heels at a disadvantage in whichever of those matches is happening second?
Cedric Alexander interrupted them. They came to confront him. MVP asked him if he had come to accept their offer and join them, but really Cedric was just distracting them so that the Viking Raiders could attack them from behind.
Let me see if I have this straight: The Hurt Business are violent badasses who talk trash and then back it up, while Cedric, Apollo, the Viking Raiders, and pals are geeks who often resort to sneak attacks and are just generally snotty and annoying. Are the Hurt Business supposed to be the babyfaces? Because that’s the only way this makes sense.

THE HURT BUSINESS vs. CEDRIC ALEXANDER & THE VIKING RAIDERS- 3.25/10
They had a short match in which Cedric Alexander won when he rolled MVP up with a handful of tights. HE F*CKING CHEATED! But no, Cedric is a babyface so we’re supposed to applaud him because he “outsmarted” the heels. F*ck off, Byron. The Hurt Business put Cedric over for this, but they’re supposed to be the heels so how is this supposed to make Cedric likable?

THE HURT BUSINESS BEAT THE SH*T OUT OF CEDRIC ALEXANDER BACKSTAGE- good. He deserves it.
Byron insists that the heels “baited” Cedric, but if Cedric didn’t see a trap coming after he set a trap for his enemies to attack them from behind in a cowardly fashion and then cheated to beat them in a match, he’s a f*cking moron.

WINNERS GET A TITLE SHOT, LOSING TEAM MUST SPLIT UP FOREVER: Liv Morgan & Ruby Riott vs. the IIconics- 1/10
So last night at the PPV the Riott Squad couldn’t even work together but they still beat the IIconics cleanly… and yet both teams are now being given an equal chance to earn a title shot. That right there is how you make people not care about matches: By showing them that the results don’t matter one lick.
The announcers are also acting like not being allowed to team together ever again means that you can’t even be friends. Why not?
With stipulations this big… I would be shocked if this even went four minutes. And the IIconics lost. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?! This division barely has any teams, and the IIconics are by far the longest-standing team, and you broke them up?! And with NO BUILD! This is SOOOOOOOOO F*CKING DUMB!

SHANE MCMAHON HYPES UP RAW UNDERGROUND BY TALKING TO THE BOUNCER- Dude… just have Shane hype this up by CUTTING A PROMO INTO THE F*CKING CAMERA! Not only is an awkward way to do this, but it’s actually Shane being a douche because he’s telling the bouncer about all of this cool stuff that will happen on Raw Underground tonight that the bouncer won’t be able to see because his job is to stand on the other side of the door!

SETH ROLLINS YELLS AT MURPHY FOR SCREWING UP LAST NIGHT AND SENDS HIM TO THE BACK- Seth slapped Murphy as Murphy was leaving. Then, for absolutely no reason, Dominik attacked Murphy from behind like a coward.

#1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH QUALIFIER: Seth Rollins vs. Dominik Mysterio- 6.5/10
This is the fourth time I’ve seen these two wrestle in nine days, despite nothing actually moving forward in their feud. Seth won clean. Again. Seth gave Dominik a second Curb Stomp after the match, because this feud must apparently continue forever.

TITUS O’NEIL SQUASHES SOME LOSERS IN RAW UNDERGROUND- why is the point of this?

RAW UNDERGROUND FIGHT: Titus O’Neil vs. Riddick Moss- 2/10
Riddick Moss won

STREET PROFITS PROMO- bad
You’ll never guess which team they’re wrestling. It’s a Tornado Tag tonight, because why not?
They were goofs

24/7 TITLE GOOFBALL BULLSH*T- dumb
Why do the referees even participate in these stupid schemes? They’re supposed to be impartial.
Whoever came up with this title, I want to tie them to a chair and leave them in a dark room, and the only other thing in that room will be a speaker that will blast Byron Saxton’s fake excited “R-TRUTH IS NOW AN X TIME 24/7 CHAMPION!” over and over and over again, on an infinite loop, over and over again, until they start looking forward to starving to death. And that’s when I’ll come into the room and force-feed them a piece of leather from the belt strap once ever two days to keep them alive and prolong the torture. Because that is what the person who unleashed this hell on our world deserves.

TORNADO TAG TEAM MATCH: Street Profits vs. Andrade “Cien” Almas & Angel Garza (w/Zelina Vega & Demi from the Bachelor)- 4/10
Dude… she left you last week for another dude! Forget about the stupid cow!
Since when aren’t there DQs in a tornado match?
They gave this match some time… so of course Retribution came out. Because why not save time for a match that will actually have a satisfying finish instead of making fans feel like they wasted their time waiting around for a f*ck finish?
Retribution beat up Zelina, Andrade, and the Street Profits, while Angel Garza valiantly got Demi to safety. Then Retribution ran away.

ADAM PEARCE REPEATEDLY SCREAMS “GET TO YOUR POSTS” AT SECURITY- goofy

RAW UNDERGROUND FIGHT: Avery Taylor vs. Jessamyn Duke- squash
Also, the IIconics are here. Shane is trying to cheer them up by showing them violence. Shane is weird.

RAW UNDEGROUND FIGHT: Nameless Woman #1 vs. Nameless Woman #2- squash
The one who won was Marina Shafir, but they never actually told us that.

RAW UNDERGROUND FIGHT: Billie Kay vs. Jessamyn Duke & Marina Shafir- squash
This happened because Peyton shoved Billie into the ring. This happened right in front of Shane, but he just ordered the fight to start anyway. Marina scared Billie and Jessamyn kicked her in the laid and knocked her out. Then Shane but his arm around a clearly uncomfortable Peyton Royce like a total creeper.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS CEDRIC ALEXANDER, APOLLO CREWS, & RICOCHET OUTSIDE OF RAW UNDERGROUND-
Charly basically said “you’re all losers. Is it really a good idea to walk into a room full of ass-kickers?” The three of them cut good babyface promos, but after the past few weeks, they are coming off like losers who are out of their league.

RAW UNDERGROUND FIGHT: Shelton Benjamin vs. Apollo Crews- no rating, dull segment
This quickly turned into a fight between the three babyfaces and the Hurt Business. At this point Raw Underground has been around for about six weeks, and nothing that happens here ever actually matters, so I have no reason to think the result of this brawl will matter, either. For those of you wondering, the heels won.

DEMI COMPLAINS THAT ANGEL GARZA “ABANDONED EVERYONE” WHEN HE GOT HER TO SAFETY- Really! What kind of person responds to someone saving their life with “why did you save me the untrained civilian instead of helping the trained fighters?
I repeat: Garza… CHARLY CARUSO IS HOT FOR YOU! FORGET ABOUT THIS VAPID TWIT!
And yes, Garza did point out to her that they are all trained fighters. Also, Demi got the name of the heel faction wrong. She said “Returation.”
As luck would have it, Restoration burst into the exact room they were in, beating up some poor schmuck. Garza then ran away, leaving Demi alone with Retribution. Good. Maybe they’ll beat her up and she won’t come back.

#1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH: Keith Lee vs. Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins- 6.75/10
The story was that the heels only had a chance against Lee when they were working together. They’re definitely going hard with Keith Lee. Orton stole Lee’s pin on Seth, which I think is the best finish here.


Another very bad episode of Raw, with utterly baffling booking. Basically everything that doesn’t involve Randy Orton or Keith Lee is either bad, confusing, or both.


STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tom Phillips- “Asuka, you know Mickie James very well from your time on NXT.”
“Very well?” From that ONE MONTH (at most) Mickie was around? F*ck off, Tom Phillips. You’re turning more and more into Michael Cole by the day.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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