BRM Reviews the 3/3/2021 Dynamite: The Crossroads

[Big Red Machine]

SHAQUILLE O’NEAL & JADE CARGILL vs. RED VELVET & CODY RHODES (w/Arn Anderson & Q.T. Marshall)- 4/10
I didn’t expect them to start the show off with this. That quick video package they showed to build this up (as an in-set, during Cody’s entrance) made wrestling look so trashy, and Jim Ross prefacing it by claiming that it was an “amazing story” just made it worse. If anyone who isn’t familiar with pro wrestling beyond the basic concept of “it’s fake fighting” or “soap opera for dudes” tuned in and saw that, I highly doubt they stuck around.
Per cagematch.net Excalibur’s claim that Red Velvet has “won eleven of her last twelve matches” is not correct. Also, ALL OF THOSE MATCHES TOOK PLACE ON DARK, which is astonishingly incompetent if you are trying to build her up for a big match on Dynamite. (Yes, Brandi was originally in this spot, but that doesn’t excuse not sticking on Dynamite at any point after that change)

Shaq and Cody started things off, and it was… probably as good as could have been reasonably expected. The match was idiot-proofed and Cody carried Shaq as well as way possible. Then the women tagged in and had a fine segment as well… up until the part where, FOR NO REASON AT ALL, Cody’s babyface teammate Austin Gunn hit Shaq with a chair. This did NOTHING for the match and just served as an excuse for Shaq to throw Gunn Club around, and when Jade went to get some tables to presumably try to put Red Velvet through, it made it a lot harder for me to get angry at her because Cody’s team cheated and used weapons first.
The women kept going and we got to the hot tag and Cody gets in and Shaq comes in… and they tease a test of strength. So much for the “hot” part of “hot tag,” I guess. Shaq powerbomed Cody but Cody countered the next thing Shaq tried, got up and gave him a bodyslam where he wound up putting Shaq down on his side. That looked like no fun.
The women got back in and had a good striking exchange. Cody crossbodied Shaq through the tables at ringside. Jade was shocked and distracted by this and Red Velvet was getting up the background, and everyone who has ever seen a wrestling match before knew that Jade was going to turn around and get hit by a move (you could even see Red Velvet planting herself in a three-point stance to get ready to charge)… and the f*cking idiot director cut to Cody and Shaq lying in the rubble, unmoved from the last time we had seen them, so we missed the big move Red Velvet hit for a false finish that had me totally biting on it.
Red Velvet went over to Coach Arn for some advice… so of course the next thing she did was countered, and Jade hit her finisher (a Glam Slam) and won.

This… was a mess. The Shaq vs. Cody stuff was good for what it was, and Jade and Red Velvet worked perfectly fine together, but two match-ups didn’t gel at all. Cody and Shaq were having this slow-paced wrestler vs. large celebrity match with basic stuff while the women were having a grudge match, and the result was that every time the men tagged in, it completely killed the momentum. And AEW really should have been able to see this coming, too. There are enough people there who have seen or even been in matches with non-wrestlers to know that an almost-fifty Shaq was not going to be able to have a match at the pace that Jade and Velvet were going to have their grudge match at.

SHAQUILLE O’NEAL WAS LOADED INTO AN AMBULANCE DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK, BUT NOW THAT SCHIAVONE IS TRYING TO GET AN INTERVIEW WITH HIM OR ONE OF THE EMS, SHAQ HAS DISAPPEARED- infuriating
1. F*ck this stupid, pointless magical crap.
2. That EMT seemed rather unconcerned that his patient has disappeared.
3. If the dude has to go to the hospital, let him go to the f*cking hospital? Which brain-dead moron thought it was a good idea to have Schiavone do something that would either interrupt the EMTs or hold up the ambulance?

DEATH TRIANGLE (Rey Fenix & Pac) vs. D3 & JOHN SKYLER- squash

THE INNER CIRCLE HAVE A PRESS CONFERENCE- didn’t like it.
The first questioner’s mic didn’t work. Jericho cut an over the top promo. The second questioner was Conrad Thompson, who asked if Sammy Guevara could be let back into the group because “the fighting is over.” The fighting is only over because Sammy isn’t around, dumbass! Jericho and MJF made fun of Conrad.
The third reporter asked why they attacked Papa Buck. MJF claimed that it was because Papa Buck attack Jericho.
The fourth questioner was Eric Bischoff, who asked Jericho how dumb of an idea it was to motivate the Bucks by attacking their father. I get what they were going for here, but this kind of question needs to be asked by someone who fans actually like, and Eric Bischoff is an annoying, smarmy sh*tbag who spends a lot of his time engaging in revisionist history and attacking fans, so he really doesn’t fit the bill.
The Bucks eventually came out and cut this big passionate promo about everything their father did for them and everything he taught them like about being a compassionate, kind person… and I’m sure that’s all a shoot, but it’s just not effecting me the way they want it to because I’ve seen the Bucks do so much cruel, mean sh*t over the years, including SUPERKICKING THEIR OWN FATHER FOR NO REASON, so when they talk about how much they love their dad and how he taught them to be good people, it just doesn’t ring true.
Yeah, maybe it’s not fair of me to factor in something that happened in ROH to an AEW angle, but in this case, the thing in ROH was so egregious that I just can’t help myself. That part of this was probably the best promo the Bucks have ever cut… but it just doesn’t work for me.
Then they went to the insults. I get that they were trying to get a rise out of their opponents, but saying that if not AEW, Jericho would be a curtain-jerker in NXT was a REALLY dumb thing to say, as not only does it ignore your new partner NJPW, but you’re also saying that one of AEW’s top stars is at the same level as the opening-match wrestlers on the competing show.
The Bucks eventually attacked. Brandon Cutler came out to help, and somehow those three came out on top of Jericho, MJF, Santana, Ortiz, and Wardlow. Agents and referees came out to break it up, while Gallows & Anderson came out with a table or two. They put Ortiz and Santana on tables… and the Bucks did big dives to put them through the table… which apparently Brandon Cutler and two referees held Jericho, MJF, and Wardlow all at bay.
So yeah, this didn’t work for me. I thought the beginning part was indefensibly bad, and while I’m sure the Bucks’ promo worked for a lot of people, it just didn’t ring true to me, even though I’m sure it legitimately is true. Putting LAX through tables was I guess a good way of showing escalation without having the Bucks get their hands on Jericho and MJF, but doing it to both guys lost a bit of it’s edge when you realized the pains they had to go through to set the tables up in spots where the camera would be able to see both dives at once, which isn’t something they would be thinking about in a situation like this if it was real.

OMEGA VS. MOXLEY VIDEO PACKAGE- decent

JURASSIC EXPRESS vs. FTR & TULLY BLANCHARD (w/JJ Dillon)- 6.75/10
Tully came out wearing the TV Title he won at Starrcade 1986. Okay… but he lost the title to Nikita Koloff, so 1) why does he still have the belt, and 2) why is he wearing it?
Also, FTR now have fake belt that manager gave to them.
1) WHY?!
2) Isn’t Brian Cage already doing this gimmick?
The match was very good, but some of the psychology here was just plain silly. Tully is a heel, and they HAD to know he was going to get a babyface reaction doing his big spots.
The heels won after inference by Shawn Spears, who had disguised himself as a cameraman because… um… I guess he wanted to do a big surprise reveal?

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- meh
Tully, FTR, Spears and JJ held up their fingers so I guess they’re the new Horsemen now. JJ’s presence did nothing for me. You don’t need him to add validity to your new Horsemen because you already have Tully for that. If you want to be the new Horsemen, have Tully in JJ’s role and geta fourth actual wrestler.
Arn Anderson came out on the ramp and also did the Horseman sign, but he seemed more curious than anything else.
Then Tony Schiavone got on the mic on the stage. I figured he was about to interview these guys about this new development, but instead he started talking about AEW Dark: Elevation while they other guys were still in the ring. That felt very WWE.

TONY SCHIAVONE PAUL WIGHT TALK ABOUT AEW DARK ELEVATION- fine… until the end.
Wight’s thing is “no more B.S.” Get it?
A fan had a sign that read “Welcome to the Big Show Paul Wight.” I’m sure he thought was insulting WWE by saying that AEW- and therefore not WWE- is the big show, but he forgot the comma before Paul, so his sign was actually welcoming the Big Show Paul Wight. Learn your punctuation, kids.
Wight came off well and convinced me to give Dark: Elevation a try… although it would have been nice if he and Schiavone had explained how this show will be any different from the regular Dark.
Then Wight teased that AEW would be signing a “hall of fame-worthy talent” “but it’s not who you think it is…” “this Sunday at Evolution.” Oops.
On the bright side for Wight, I don’t think anyone will remember that little mistake because Schiavone then tried to pitch it to the women’s match, which he called the: “Ele… eliminator women’s liminator tournament.”

AEW WOMEN’S WORLD TITLE ELIMINATOR TOURNAMENT FINALS: Ryo Mizunami vs. Nyla Rose (w/Vickie Guerrero)- 6.5/10
Mizunami came off like a clown. The camera angle they decided to use for her big guillotine leg drop exposed that she barely touched Nyla. Mizunami picked up the win, so your #1 contender for the PPV is someone we know nothing about and have been given no reason to care about.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- terrible
Hikaru Shida came out to congratulate Mizunami. Mizunami hit her with a sucker-forearm but it didn’t even knock Shida down. They had a short exchange of forearms which Shida won, so now not only have we been given no reason to care about Mizunami, but you’ve shown us that she can’t win a fight with the champ even if she starts it with a cheap shot.

TONY SCHIAVONE INTERVIEWS STING- meh
Do you ever wonder if Dasha or Marvez want to interview Sting and are upset that they never get the chance?
Sting cut a great promo. Ricky Starks came out to cut a promo on Sting and slap him, so Sting kicked his ass. The rest of Team Taz showed up to save Starks, so Darby came out to save Sting. The babyfaces won the brawl. Sting’s promo was great, but last week’s segment did a much better job of getting me excited for the match

FACE OF THE REVOLUTION LADDER MATCH QUALIFIER: Max Caster vs. Ten (w/the Dark Order)- 5.75/10
Scorpio Sky was on commentary and came off heelishly arrogant. He also completely buried the concept of a ladder match by saying that to win his opponents “don’t have to beat anyone. They just have to climb up the ladder first.”
They did their stuff. I’m starting to really like The Acclaimed. Jack Evans has apparently been hiding under the ring all night just to interfere in this match. Why couldn’t he have just run out from the back or the crowd? Also, I guess this means that TH2’s alliance with Matt Hardy was more than a one-time thing. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

MIRO PROMO- He calls Chuck Taylor a coward for not answering his challenge, but says that he will “stop playing games” at the PPV.

In the middle of tonight’s main event, it was announced that at the PPV, they’re doing YET ANOTHER tag team battle royale for a title shot.

ADAM PAGE & JOHN SILVER vs. HARDY PARTY (Matt Hardy & Marq Quen)- 6.5/10
Quen kicked Page in the kneecap. Excalibur claimed that it was a “dirty shot,” but I don’t understand what was dirty about it. Since when is a strike to the opponent’s kneecap illegal?
This didn’t feel like a main event at all. Page won clean, pinning Quen.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- mostly bad
Matt attacking Page and the Dark Order coming out to save him was good, but all of the other teams in the battle royale deciding that they should come out and brawl was so damn phony. It came off like a staged pro wrestling segment rather than anything real or natural. It felt like they were all standing backstage and waiting for their cue to go.


This was a very meh episode of Dynamite. It was meh as a go-home show and the wrestling was solid, but there was also a lot of stuff on here that was either bad or counterproductive to increasing my interest in the PPV as well.

[XIV]

Shaq / Jade vs Cody / Velvet, was not as bad as I thought, they didn't do anything with Shaq that he couldn't obviously do and the match was okay, it shouldn't have been first but clearly building to something in the future with Shaq not being in the ambulance. I thought Jade Cargill was okay, but does too much posing and bullshit, I hope the agent for the match takes her through it and explains good times to pose and that posing after each move is not good.

I enjoyed MJF in the Inner Circle segment, but Jericho and P&P were meh. I popped for Conrad Thompson being called "Turkey Tits" but knew immediately that Bischoff would be one of the questioners, which is old hat by this point.

I really hate how the Young Bucks don't attack anyone, they step back and fire a superkick, you'd think that most would be able to counter that and see it coming by now and doesn't feel the way that you'd start a fight if these guys had assaulted and "bloodied" your dad. I feel it would have been better to have the Bucks come out but P&P get in their way while MJF and Jericho retreat. It would have made it feel like the Young Bucks didn't get their retribution and would have to wait until the PPV thus giving those who want to see Jericho & MJF lose a reason to watch the PPV.

I have to say, I didn't necessarily enjoy the FTR / Jurassic express match, but I felt Tully did well, he wasn't bouncing and bumping around for the midget which would have killed his legend status dead. In fact the only bump he took from Marko Stunt was when he was thrown at him by a much larger man. But I did enjoy the pulling Tully's "horsemen" together, it feels like a good move, but at this point, it's watered down by the fact that everyone has a faction. You've got The Elite, Dork Order, Nightmare Family, Inner Circle, Matt Hardy's club and now Tully's club with sections of the Bullet Club knocking around too so it didn't feel as poignant. I want JJ Dillion to stick around, classic manager stuff from him and I popped huge for the JJ shoe spot. But I didn't like Arn coming put at the end and doing the 4 fingers thing, he's aligned with Babyfaces, and support heels, it didn't make enough sense to do it, if he'd have come out and stared and stroked his beard for a second, that would have been okay and almost intriguing. But on the whole I really enjoyed the segment and was really pleased with the work Tully put in. I'm okay with him having the occasional match the way managers in the 80's and 90's used to and he still has the capability to do thing, the slingshot suplex was great to see.

Big Show's intro was fine, I want to see what he brings to commentary, so I will try the show, he obviously referenced that it wasn't CM Punk who's joining, but more like someone like Christian, which if they got Christian would be HUGE.

The women's match I didn't care about, and don't care about the upcoming Ryo / Shida match

Another tag team battle royale for a title shot... so your Top 5 rankings don't matter then, because unranked teams still get the qualifying match? Stupid.

The ending of the show was poor, because instead of building their PPV's main event, they used the go home segment to build towards the shitty battle royale that was only announced a short while beforehand.

On the whole, this was an okay show from AEW, the matches weren't offensive, there are parts I enjoyed and parts that were stupid or felt unnecessary. But does anybody win a match and then just leave? There's always an aftermatch aftermath and you know it's coming so it's no longer a surprise.

AEW here's my updated advice:
- People can win clean and leave the ring without being attacked.
- Stop kidnapping people.
- Stop taking cheap pot shots at WWE using their former talent. It's not clever, it's not funny. ("No more BS" *eyeroll*)
- Stop putting a topless little boy on national TV. The Dork Order needs to die. -1 has had his cute moment, take him out of the show, so when he's old enough to compete or if he wants to wrestle when he's older, bringing him in will feel like a big moment and an amazing story for the company and for him and you'll have a really over babyface from day 1 regardless of talent level.
- Don't have someone be super serious one week and then fighting over broken video games the next. Which is he? Serious or pathetic. Pick one. This is some of that schizophrenic booking I refer to. (Miro)