BRM Reviews the 3/30/2022 Dynamite (bad)

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 3/30/2022 Dynamite (bad)

Post by Big Red Machine » Apr 1st, '22, 15:39

CM PUNK vs. MAX CASTER (w/Anthoy Bowens)- 6.5/10
Punk won cleanly with the Anaconda Vise in a perfectly fine match. Excalibur seems to think that Punk making the universal “I want the belt” gesture could somehow be a reference to his Dog Collar match against MJF. If he wasn’t referring to the Dog Collar match, wouldn’t he have gestured to his throat, not his waist? A collar, by definition, goes around the throat.

TONY SCHIAVONE INTERVIEWS CM PUNK- fine
Schiavone: We saw last week the gesture of the title belt. What, exactly, were you alluding to? What was that meaning?
Punk: Come on, Tony Schiavone! You’re smarter than that?
Me: … Is he?
Tony Schiavone asked Punk what that belt gesture he made last week means. Punk said “oh
Punk explained to Schiavone what everyone other than Schiavone and Excalibur had already figured out.

ALEX MARVEZ INTERVIEWS THE PINNACLE- bad
Mark Sterling is going around putting up signs telling people not allow Wardlow on the premises, because this is a goofy cartoon.
MJF says that FTR will win tonight and that Shawn Spears will go on to beat Shawn Dean. He also insults Wardlow. At this point FTR tell MJF that he is their friend… but Wardlow is their friend, too, so they don’t want to be dragged into the middle of the issue. Actually, that’s me being nice. What Da actually said was that they “didn’t understand” the issue, which makes them seem like idiots. Either way, if their Wardlow’s friends, why didn’t they ever stand up for him? Some friends they are. And, of course, this “friendship” of theirs with the now-babyface Wardlow is only really a thing now that they, too, have randomly been turned babyface.
MJF responds to this with the transparently false claim that Wardlow used to talk sh*t about FTR behind their backs. He says that they’re a family and put his hand out. FTR were hesitant, but eventually put theirs in as well.

JAY LETHAL vs. JON MOXLEY- 7/10
Moxley wins clean.

MARINA SHAFIR VIDEO PACKAGE- Apparently she has “been a problem since arriving in AEW.” I didn’t even know she was there! Has she even been on TV?

FTR vs. GUNN CLUB (w/Billy Gunn)- 5.5/10
MJF came out to do commentary for this match. FTR wearing nWo knock-off gear wasn’t a great look.
Wardlow tried to attack him but was stopped by a bunch of security. Billy Gunn interfered a bunch, including right in front of Aubrey, but there was no DQ. FTR won anyway.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- dumb
MJF went to celebrate with FTR, but they yelled at him about security tackling Wardlow. The status quo has not changed since their discussion about this a few minutes ago, so why are they more upset now than they were then? Wardlow chose to go after MJF during their match. If they’re upset at anyone about this, it should be Wardlow. But they were upset with Max here because we need to show that they’re turning babyface.

KEITH LEE VS. WILL HOBBS VIDEO PACKAGE- good
That’s the main event of this week’s Rampage.

JERICHO APPRECIATION SOCIETY PROMO- f*cking idiotic
They claim to have “future endeavored” the Beaver Boys when they beat them last week. They claimed that everyone wants to join them, but they won’t allow anyone else to join. They did the same stupid “take a peak” behind the curtains to show that LAX and Eddie Kingston weren’t there, but of course, this week, when they opened the second curtain, they were right there, waiting for their cue of the stupid gag, which they somehow knew that the JAS would repeat.
This would have been frustrating and idiotic with anyone involved, but with Eddie Kingston being involved, it’s even worse, as no engaging in this sort of stupid bullsh*t is what so many people love about Kingston!
And do it in this particular feud is even worse than that, as this is the feud where the heels are claiming to be the “sports entertainers” and claiming the babyfaces are “just pro wrestlers” and we’re supposed to think that being a “sports entertainer” is a bad thing… and yet here the babyfaces are, engaging in textbook “sports entertainment” bullsh*t.
LAX and Kingston beat Jericho’s group up for a while, but they got overwhelmed by the numbers game. At one point Kingston was locked in a Sharpshooter while Jericho hit him in the back with a baseball bat. Kingston’s good friend Jon Moxley was nowhere to be found. Once again we see that these supposedly deep and long-time friendships in AEW are only important when the booker needs them to. Tell me again about AEW is full of such great storytelling.

TONY SCHIAVONE INTERVIEWS MARK STERLING & JADE CARGILL- dumb
Tony Khan was apparently just going to let them pick Jade’s next challenger. Sterling wanted to pick tomato can joke Leva Bates… and apparently Tony Khan was fine with this. Those records and rankings sure look important right now, don’t they?
While Tony Khan might be fine with this, Jade Cargill isn’t. She apparently wants someone tougher, so she’ll get Marina Shafir instead. So we have been saved from an unworthy tomato can getting a title shot not by the babyface authority figure, but by the heel’s pride and arrogance.

BRYAN DANIELSON vs. WHEELER YUTA- 6.75/10
William Regal was on commentary for this match.
Excalibur claimed that Josh Woods, with about four defenses, was “arguably one of the greatest champions” in the history of the ROH Pure Title.
Dragon won cleanly. YUTA looked good, but this match didn’t go long enough to make him feel like someone who would be a worthy protégé for the Blackpool Combat Club.

DARBY ALLIN VS. ANDRADE VIDEO PACKAGE- short and sweet

ADAM COLE & reDRagon’s “CHAMPIONSHIP CELEBRATION- HORRIBLE
I’m supposed to be upset that these guys have stolen the belts and are “disgracing AEW” by putting tape with their own names on the titles… but if AEW management have not only not ordered them to return the stolen titles, but are willing to allow them to come out have some that AEW themselves are advertising as a “championship celebration,” then they clearly don’t care that much about it, so why should I?
Cole tells us that Adam Page and Jurassic Express aren’t here tonight. If that’s actually true, it’d be nice if there was a kayfabe reason given from a reliable source. Kye was a goof.
Page showed up, driving his fancy car into the building, complete with cow horns on the hood. That’s a heel move. He beat up all three heels on his own. The heels retreated… and then Jurassic Express and Christian Cage attacked them from behind, like cowards. They threw Cole back into the ring so that Page could try for the Buckshot Lariat again… but Cole managed to avoid it again. And then the babyfaces just gave up.
This segment should have been SOOOO EASY! Heels brag, then babyfaces come out and run them off. That’s all you needed to do. Instead, AEW had one babyface come out in a douchy way and BEAT UP ALL THREE HEELS ON HIS OWN. Then three other babyfaces came out and attacked in a cowardly manner to restart the fight, but then gave up on that as well. So the end result of this was Page looking like a jerk, the heels looking like a non-threat, and the tag champs and Christian looking like cowards. Ad Tony Khan is supposedly the “Booker of the Year.” Does it really count as winning a batting title if you hit .170? I mean… I guess it counts, but you’re not Stan Musial (or even Wade Boggs) and neither you nor anyone else should pretend that that’s the case.

TONY SCHIAVONE INTERVIEWS THUNDER ROSA- fine babyface stuff

FTR PROMO- Total babyface stuff. They say they don’t want to be second best to anyone so they challenge Jurassic Express to a title match.
JUST KIDDING. They don’t want to be second-best to anyone, so they offer to but their AAA Tag Titles on the line against the Young Bucks. I don’t care if the Bucks beat them once and they want to get their win back. There is a better way to phrase this that doesn’t come off as utterly ridiculous because it’s guys who have one set of titles and are challenging for another one on Friday, but think that the best team in the world is a team without any titles.

Jade Cargill- a heel- now has her own planted rooting section.

OWEN HART FOUNDATION TOURNAMENT QUALIFYING MATCH: The Bunny vs. Toni Storm- 6/10
What is this tournament about? Does the winner get a title shot or something?
This was a good match, but far too even for Toni’s debut.

TONY SCHIAVONE INTERVIEWS NYLA ROSE (AND VICKIE GUERRERO)- good
This is one of those promos that I’m sure I like a lot more than everyone else.

They announced the Hardys vs. Butcher & Blade in a Tables match for next week… specifically citing the fact that Jeff put The Butcher & The Blade through a table during their match last week. If this was a regular match, that would be one thing, but doing a stipulation match with a weapon because said weapon was used in a weapons match is silly.

DARBY ALLIN (w/Sting) vs. ANDRADE EL IDOLO (w/Jose the Assistant)- 7.25/10
They brawled on the outside a lot before the match. They did an idiotic spot where Andrade tried to use his belt as a weapon so the referee took it away from him… and while the referee’s back was turned, Darby Allin used his belt as an illegal foreign object. WHY IS THE BABYFACE CHEATING?!
Anyway, they did stuff. Jose came back out to interfere, but got taken out by Sting, who came out behind him. The Butcher & The Blade came out to deal with Sting.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- snore
Even though Andrade won the match, his group decided to attack the babyfaces after the match. This happened seemingly just so the Hardys could make the big save in their home town to end the show. At least they had Private Party come out, too, so it wasn’t painfully forced that they were just building up the Tables match.


This was a bad episode of Dynamite. Most of the promos and storyline stuff ranged from bland to bad, and the wrestling was well below their usual level.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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