BRM Reviews the 12/23/2022 Rampage (snore)

[Big Red Machine]

TRIOS BATTLE ROYALE WITH A WACKY NAME FOR $300,000- 4.75/10
We were told this was an eight-team battle royale, but there were only nine people (three complete teams) in the ring. Said teams were the Goof Troop, AFO/LFI (Rush, Dralistico, & Preston Vance) and the trio of Kip Sabian & The Butcher & The Blade. Did I miss The Butcher & The Blade getting kicked out of the AFO?
Oh. There are staggered entrances. Is it really that hard to be consistent and have a specific qualifier (and they seem to like the word “casino”) that you put in the title of a match every time there are going to be staggered entrances?
Even in a f*cking battle royale, Rush has to take someone to the outside and choke him with a cable.
Ross said that Preston Vance was a former hockey player, which surprised me because his kayfabe backstory was football.
Chris Jericho was on commentary and was his usual obnoxious cartoon self.
Next in were the Blackpool Combat Club, followed by the Dark Order of Evil Uno and the Beaver Boys. They charged into the ring and went right at Preston Vance… and the stopped to have a long, “dramatic” stare-down with this traitor before attacking him. F*ck off.
Orange Cassidy and Kip Sabian brawled to the back after getting eliminated.
The next team in was the Spanish Announce Project, or “SAP.” They’re the Spanish Announcers. Get it? It’s a slightly clever joke… but that’s not a reason to put something on the air! Especially if it creates a logical issue of why these guys would be booked to wrestle in a match they’re supposed to be announcing.
This team is Angelico, Serpentico, & Dr. Luther. Isn’t Angelico in the AFO?
John Silver eliminated Dralistico, then posed like he had accomplished something… and, of course, Rush forearmed him and eliminated him. What a f*cking clown.
And now Ari Daivari is in Mark Sterling’s group? When did that happen?
The final team was A.R. Fox & Top Flight. Chris Jericho thought this might have been the first time those three have ever teamed together, so we know how much attention he is paying. Tony Schiavone wasn’t sure if they were the final team, so apparently he can’t count to eight.
It came down to Top Flight, Moxley, and Claudio… and at that moment, Adam Page just couldn’t control himself any longer, and he ran in to attack Moxley. Excalibur didn’t say this outright, but he implied that the reason Page didn’t attack earlier was because he had promised Dark Order that he wouldn’t get involved. The problem with that is that there were SEVEN MINUTES between when the last member of Dork Order was eliminated and when Page came out.
I wonder how many weeks of getting into fights even though he’s not medically cleared it will take before Tony Khan finally grows a brain and just orders Page to sit at home until he’s cleared?
Credit where it’s due, Claudio and Top Flight had a relatively exciting final segment, and I thought that lasting so long against two guys made Claudio look strong rather than making Top Flight look weak. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to overcome the fact that this was well over twenty minutes of a battle royale between a random group of teams of which only the BCC felt important, and in which nothing tangible was on the line. It’s nice that Top Flight won, but so what? It’s just money. It’s not like Wardlow won and thus was able to pay his mother’s medical bills or something like that.

EDDIE KINGSTON & ORTIZ IN-RING PROMO- not good
Eddie says they have been targeted by the House of Black. I have zero memory of this. Kingston says that he sent them a contract for a match, but they turned it down, so now he is calling them out to fight. Why does he think that’s going to work if they didn’t want to fight with him before?
Julia Hart showed up and pointed to the TonyTron to indicate that Kingston should pay attention to that. A House of Black video showed up on the TonyTron in which Malakai Black claimed to have influenced one of Kingston’s friends and made him Kingston’s enemy. Kingston immediately became suspicious of Ortiz. At the same time, Jim Ross and I both wondered why Kingston would just assume that his life-long friend would turn on him because an untrustworthy source made an insinuation. Excalibur said that it’s because when the House of Black were beating everyone up weeks ago, they didn’t touch Ortiz.
This is the kind of sh*t that drives me nuts. You can’t do a small thing amidst a big chaotic moment, then not mention or call any attention to it for weeks, and then expect people to remember it.
Also, Tony has booked himself into quite the corner here. If the House of Black attacked everyone else (including Eddie Kingston) but didn’t attack Ortiz, and Ortiz is not turning heel and joining them, why did he not help Eddie fight the House of Black during that attack? Either Ortiz has to turn, or the story makes no sense.

RENEE PAQUETTE INTERVIEWS SAMMY GUEVARA & DANIEL GARCIA- bad
These two have been in the same stable for eight months or so now. At no point has there been any friction between them or any suggestion that they don’t get along perfectly… but now that it’s time to do a storyline where they don’t get along, Garcia suddenly hates everything about Sammy and tells him that to his face (but still says he will be his student because Jericho said so), and Sammy goes out of his way to annoy Garcia.
Much like how Jamie Hayter and Toni Storm feuded on and off for months, but it wasn’t until they wanted to build to a singles title match between them that it was ever brought up that they were best friends until about a year prior and Toni can’t believe that her adoptive sister has changed so much and become such a bad person, this is yet another example of bad storytelling, and is more proof that AEW’s “long-term planning” really isn’t very good.

TBS TITLE ELIMINATOR MATCH: Jade Cargill(c) (w/the Baddie) vs. Vertvixen- 2.5/10
This was the point where it occurred to me that I no longer give a sh*t who becomes the first person to beat Jade. Jade won a dull match.

RUBY SOHO VIDEO PACKAGE/PROMO- Ruby was excellent, but Willow Nightengale came across as extremely annoying. Those two will face Tay Melo & Anna Jay on Dynamite.
Also on Dynamite will be Top Flight vs. Moxley and Claudio. I’m sure the match will be great, but I don’t see Top Flight winning, so I don’t see how getting beaten at their own game helps them.

WARDLOW VIDEO PACKAGE/PROMO ON SAMOA JOE- Holy sh*t it was actually good!

ALEX MARVEZ FIND WILL HOBBS MUGGING SOMEONE- snore
Hobbs then shoved the camera away. Too late, buddy. You got caught on national television. The announcers pushed that Hobbs is “a monster.” If I understand this right, the story is that Hobbs’ upbringing has made him a monster… so how do you square that with the fact that in the two-plus years we have known Will Hobbs, we haven’t seen any hint of this “monster” until now? Why is this part of his personality suddenly coming out now? These personality videos are nice, but it feels like the reason Hobbs has changed is “because that’s the story the booker has decided to tell,” and that’s not an acceptable kayfabe answer. A change in a character’s personality should be triggered by some event.

MARK HENRY INTERVIEWS THE PEOPLE IN THE MAIN EVENT- meh
Yes, Billy Gunn and Jeff Jarrett are main-eventing a nationally televised pro wrestling show in 2022. Bowens said that Jeff Jarrett looked like Kid Rock. I don’t see that at all. Also, he called him “geriatric,” which I’m sure Billy Gunn appreciated, seeing as how Billy is four years older than Jeff.

ANTHONY BOWENS & BILLY GUNN (w/Max Caster) vs. JEFF JARRETT & JAY LETHAL (w/Sonjay Dutt & Satnam Singh)- 6.25/10
Caster’s pre-match rap was excellent. Billy Gunn got a spot where he clotheslined the giant out of the ring, and wouldn’t do a clean job.


Another night of the standard Rampage boredom.