BRM Reviews the 3/22/2023 Dynamite (terrible)

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 3/22/2023 Dynamite (terrible)

Post by Big Red Machine » Mar 24th, '23, 15:43

SOMEONE HAS ASSAULTED THE YOUNG BUCKS BACKSTAGE AND THEY MUST BE TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL- If they were actual babyfaces or heels, I’d know how to feel about this, they’re not, so I don’t. Actually, I guess I’m a little optimistic that Brandon Cutler finally snapped and gave them the beating they deserve, so I’m happy? Is that how AEW wants me to feel?
Adam Page goes to the hospital with them. Kenny Omega can’t because he has a match with El Hijo del Vikingo (whoever that is. I don’t watch Lucha, and if I did, it certainly wouldn’t be AAA) in tonight’s main event. How far away is the hospital that Kenny can’t go and stay with them for thirty minutes and then take a cab back?

ORANGE CASSIDY, DARBY ALLIN, & STING vs. KIP SABIAN & THE BUTCHER & THE BLADE (w/Penelope Ford)- 5.5/10
We were told that this babyface trio was a “dream team.” A fever dream, maybe.
OC has painted his initials on his face. It looks idiotic. Not as bad as Kip Sabian’s hair, though.
This match came about because the heels were pissed that they lost at a house show, and so they attacked the babyfaces backstage. Great! It’s always important to make people think that if they go to a house show, they will see something that actually matters.
This went way longer than it needed to and wasn’t very interesting or exciting. I also could have done without Sting doing the stupid Orange Cassidy spots.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- irritating
Instead of celebrating their win, Darby Allin stared longingly at the banner hanging from the rafters advertising Double or Nothing 2023. Excalibur somehow intuited that Darby wanted a world title shot at that show, but I’m not sure how he knew that Darby wasn’t just thinking of trying to jump over it on his skateboard.

FOUR PILLARS TITLE MATCH VIDEO PACKAGE- They screwed up and didn’t have sound for the beginning of this. Other than that, this was a good way to follow up on last week.

KENNY OMEGA VS. EL HIJO DEL VIKINGO VIDEO PACKAGE- fine

Excalibur tells us that he got a text from Brandon Cutler accusing the Blackpool Combat Club of attacking the Young Bucks.

AEW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: Gunn Club(c) vs. Top Flight- 5/10
In the past month and a half of AEW TV, Top Flight have lost two trios title matches, two battle royales for a spot in a tag title match, a four-way tag, and a six-man tag. And somehow, they’re getting a title shot. Does Tony think that the reason the Jaguars haven’t made the Superbowl yet is that they aren’t losing enough games?

They did their stuff. The Kingdom attacked Top Flight to cost them the match, because after being ignored for the past three weeks, what happens on ROH is suddenly relevant now.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- infuriatingly stupid
FTR came out. Gunn Club made fun of them and said that they would never, ever give them a title shot. Cash offered to vow never challenge for the tag titles ever again. This was not good enough, so he added that if they lost, they would never team together again. Still not good enough. Dax offers that if they don’t win the titles, they’ll quit AEW. Gunn Club accepted. Then, just to be jerks, they spat at FTR and ran away.
Remember the build to the last PPV, where the Acclaimed had an automatic rematch? Why don’t FTR get that? And even if that was some specific clause that the Acclaimed negotiated, why are FTR so desperate? We just saw Top Flight get a title shot because they got two wins over jobber teams on Dark. FTR don’t think they can do that? Even if Gunn Club consented to giving Top Flight a title shot despite (or, really, because of) their lack of accomplishments, surely they can’t block absolutely anyone no matter how many wins they get.

RENEE PAQUETTE INTERVIEWS JADE CARGILL & FRIENDS- bad
Mark Sterling has a cease & desist order to stop Taya Valkyrie from using the same finisher as Jade. F*ck this cartoon bullsh*t. Has it ever been determined why he is even in this company? Does he have pictures of Tony Khan whacking it to Jackson DeVille?
Leila Grey says that she will deliver the letter to Taya personally at Rampage. Renee clarifies for us that that means that they will have a match.

NO DISQUALIFICATIONS MATCH WITH THE FIRM BARRED FROM RINGSIDE: Hook vs. Stokely Hathaway- no rating, decent segment
If there are no DQs, how are you going to enforce the Firm being barred from ringside?
Stokely claimed that he wasn’t medically cleared to compete, and also announced his immediate retirement. He thanks all twelve of his fans for their support (that’s me and eleven others!). Stokely thought he could get away with writing “he’s sick” on a receipt and passing it off as a doctor’s note. Based on the way he books his TV, I think Tony thought his audience would be fooled by this. Stokely came off like an idiot here. How is the guy who we have seen mastermind so many heinous deeds suddenly this stupid?
Needless to say, this didn’t work. Stokely tried to run away, but Hook chased him down. We were shown the Firm watching backstage for comedy that was a lot less funny than what Stokely and Hook did in the ring via Stokely’s feeble attempts at offense and Hook no-selling them. This was a fine version of the heel manager getting the beating he deserves. Matt Hardy tried to get Ethan Page to avenge Stokely.

ADAM COLE’S PROMO IS INTERRUPTED BY DANIEL GARCIA- Cole was awesome, Garcia was not
Garcia cut a promo that would have been a lot better if it didn’t come off like he was trying to playa fake tough guy for TV. Garcia accidentally called himself a pro wrestler instead of a sport entertainer. Who gives a sh*t? If he decides to stop being a “sports entertainer” and start being a “pro wrestler” again then he’ll go back to doing what he was doing before joining up with Jericho, which was… being part of a stable of cartoon loudmouths and cheating to win matches. And that’s definitely different than what he is doing in the JAS as a “sports entertainer.” Yeah.
Cole cut a TREMENDOUS babyface promo on Garcia, challenging him to a match next week.

ALEX MARVEZ INTERVIEWS KENNY OMEGA & DON CALLIS- good
First we got to see Callis and Kenny finish a conversation that is clearly meant to make us think that Callis orchestrated the attack on the Bucks. Even if he didn’t, he was extremely… um… callous about the fact that Kenny’s friends were badly hurt. Callis then cut a promo hyping up the main event. Kenny did not speak to the camera.

JON MOXLEY (w/Blackpool Combat Club) vs. STU GRAYSON (w/the Dark Order)- 6.75/10
Moxley got the win in a match that took way too long. I did like that the Dark Order ran into the ring immediately after the bell just in case Moxley tried anything.

RENEE PAQUETTE INTERVIEWS RICKY STARKS- didn’t like it
I didn’t like Starks saying that he “had to come back from my vacation early” just to say that he didn’t like that Juice attacked him from behind. First of all, it sounded like he was annoyed at the booking costing him vacation, which you shouldn’t bring up on the air. Or, if that (and some of the other stuff he said towards the end) is intended to be a worked shoot… I don’t like that, either). Secondly, him being on “vacation” after an assault and “having” to come back early just to cut a promo makes it sound like the attack really isn’t that big of a deal to him. If it was that big of a deal, then he would have said last week what he said at the end here, which was that he wasn’t going to just sit around and talk; he was going to take action.

QTV- extremely dumb and worrying
The dumb stuff was that it was dumb. The worrying part was that it felt like Tony Khan taking shots at his critics.
Penta el 0M is getting a TNT Title shot on Rampage because… um… because open challenge, okay?!

SKYE BLUE vs. TONI STORM (w/the Outcasts)- 4.25/10
Despite her opponents’ tendency to interfere in matches, Skye Blue has left her mentor and tag team partner Madison Rayne in the back because she’s not an AEW Original and thus doesn’t fit into the narrative of this feud, so we’re just supposed to forget about her existence. That’s how Tony Khan thinks stories work.
Blue got sent to the outside and the other heels stomped on her… and no one came out to help. Not Madison Rayne, and not any of the babyfaces who stood up to these same heels last week.
Tony Schiavone claimed that Skye Blue “has had many great moments in AEW.” Having finally realized that his credibility is completely dead, Tony appears to have now moved on to the ritualistic desecration of its corpse.
Toni continues to have trouble beating a f*cking jobber cleanly now that she has turned heel.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- snore
The heels went to spray-paint their fallen opponent, but some babyfaces chased them off. Again. Said babyfaces were Willow Nightingale and Riho. I love how Britt Baker and Jamie Hayter have just disappeared from this feud until the booking is ready for them to return. Good job there, Tony. No need to explain why the people who cared so much about this feud have suddenly stopped caring about it.

THE BLACKPOOL COMBAT CLUB ASSAULT STU GRAYSON BACKSTAGE, AND ALSO ASSAULT A TRAINER FOR NO REAL REASON- snore
Hey, Tony? How about instead of constantly showing them do heelish stuff just to show us that they’re heels now, you have them explain whythey have decided to turn heel?
To be honest, assaulting Grayson is lazy, but whatever. What really annoyed me here was assaulting the trainer. Why would they assault this guy? Even MJF doesn’t go around assaulting innocent people for no reason. Why are the BCC doing it?

EL HIJO DEL VIKINGO vs. KENNY OMEGA (w/Don Callis)- 8.5/10
That imploding hurricanrana spot looked painfully cooperative. Ditto with the wacky Dragon-Rana off the apron, and three or four other of their more supposedly-impressive spots. Excalibur claimed he hadn’t seen a 630 through a table before.
Look… this was cool, but it was too spotty and far too cooperative for my taste. AAA’s world champion does a job for Kenny Omega in a match where the story was that Kenny might be distracted by the assault on the Young Bucks.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- eye-rolling
Tony Schiavone went to interview Kenny. He started to talk briefly, but didn’t say anything about the Bucks before the Blackpool Combat Club attacked him. No one came out to help Kenny. Not even security or referees. But we had did have some f*cking camera set up in the parking lot to catch an ambulance arriving at the arena. Adam Page was driving it with lights and sirens on (a crime, because he wasn’t involved in transporting injured people). I’m guessing he stole it (crime #2). Otherwise, someone at the hospital gave an ambulance to a random person they could use it for a ride home, and that person should be fired.
Somewhere along the way between the hospital and the arena, Page picked up a two-by-four and then went and hammered some nails through it. Despite knowing that Page was showing up with a weapon, the BCC chose not to arm themselves and attack him. Instead they just decided to stand there until he got to the ring, then run away.

I’m assuming that the people who attacked the Bucks were the JAS, simply because no one raised that possibility tonight. Don Callis got into the ring with Page and then faked that Page had attacked him. Did he forget that he’s on national TV and that his deception will be exposed the minute someone Tweets a clip at Kenny? Kenny and Page argued, but didn’t come to blows.

This was so f*cking stupid. The “big damn hero returning in the ambulance” trope is a painful one that needs to go away (mostly because of the ambulance part), the BCC’s actions seemed designed to set up the Page vs. Kenny confrontation that Callis caused more than they did serving any real goal of the BCC’s (especially if they turn out not to be behind the attack on the Bucks), and the Callis thing has such a pathetically big plot-hole in it that if Kenny hasn’t dumped Callis by next week, he’s a f*cking idiot.


This was another bad episode of Dynamite, with utterly terrible booking and nowhere near enough good wrestling to make up for it. We’re three weeks after the PPV, and already everything feels stale other than Adam Cole’s return.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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