BRM Reviews the 6/13/2013 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

Apparently this is a “Bound For Glory Series Selection Show.” So what were all of those qualifying matches last week?

OPENING SEGMENT- Hogan comes out and says that because of all of the drama that Bully has caused in the Hogan family, Hulk had to tell Brooke to stay home this week. SHE IS A GROWN-ASS WOMAN WHO RUNS THE F*CKING KNOCKOUTS DIVISION! You can’t just tell her to stay home like you’re grounding a teenager.
Hogan then says that by the end of the night, we will know who is in the BFG Series. Or at least that’s what I think he meant. He actually kept forgetting to say the word “series,” so if we take what he said literally, he is choosing the people who will wrestle on the big PPV four months away. If Hulk cannot properly say the names of important concepts and wrestlers, he should not be in this position (he screwed up Jeff Hardy’s nickname for the third week in a row)! He also says that Samoa Joe is a “dangerous brother.” Thanks for that, Hulkster.

Anyway, Hulk puts Jeff Hardy and Bobby Roode into the BFG Series because they have won it before. Sure. Why not? Both guys cut promos saying that they want to win the BFG Series. Hogan than says that next week is Open Fight Night and he will let the fans pick whether Jeff Hardy or Bobby Roode gets to call someone out first. Roode says he will call Jeff out and they are about to fight when Bully comes out and demands to know why none of the Aces & Eights are in the BFG Series. Hogan says that there will be a Battle Royale tonight between the Aces & Eights guys, and the winner will be in the BFG Series.
So let me get this straight. Hogan wants the World Heavyweight Title out of the hands of Aces & Eights. There is a tournament with only twelve spots in it to determine who will challenge for that title… and Hulk is willing to give one of those twelve spots to a guy who might just well lie down for Bully Ray in the main event of the biggest PPV of the year?
Or how about this? Some members of Aces & Eights (Doc, Knux, D’Lo, & Devon) aren’t under contract to TNA… and Hogan is willing to do something that will allow someone who isn’t under contract to get a shot at the TNA World Heavyweight Title?

Bully then sends Wes and Garrett after Roode and Hardy, and, predictably, the scrubs get their butts kicked. Roode then cheapshots Jeff from behind. The cheapshot was good, but the rest of this segment stunk.

BAD INFLUENCE PROMO- great!

BFG SERIES QUALIFYING TAG TEAM MATCH: Bad Influence vs. James Storm & Gunner- 4.75/10
Christy screws up another ring entrance. It’s just “Bad Influence.” No “the.”
Good heel finish here, getting Bad Influence into the BFG Series while keeping the champs strong.

CRIMSON PROMO- HORRIFIC!
Crimson shows up for the first time in a year, so the cameraman asks him “what are you doing here?” Crimson responds “what am I doing here? Let me ask you a question: When was the last time you’ve seen me? I’ll tell you; twelve months. Twelve months, to be exact. And you want me to tell you what I’m doing here? No.”
Well, after a promo like that, I’m guessing we won’t be seeing you for twelve more months while you go back to OVW and learn how to cut a f*cking promo.

We come back from commercial, and after one of those obnoxious backstage bits that TNA loves where someone tells you that they are going to go out to the ring and say XYZ(rather than just having that person go out to the ring and say it!), Crimson comes out and Tenay tells us that he is going to be in a BFG Series qualifying match. So Crimson cuts that horrific promo where he is needlessly cryptic to establish some sort of mystery about what he is doing here… and then right after the commercial we get an answer… and that answer is as simple as “having a BFG Series qualifying match?” COME ON! What was even the point of Crimson’s whole damn promo if you are going to resolve the mystery right after the damn commercial break?

CRIMSON PROMO- eh. He says he was sent home because of his loss at Slammiversary. This makes TNA seem idiotic for sending a guy who went undefeated for fifteen months home just because he lost one match.

BOUND FOR GLORY SERIES QUALIFYING MATCH: Crimson vs. Joseph Park- 1.5/10
Well… that sucked. Great to have you here, Crimson. Seriously. If TNA needed someone to lose to Joseph Park, why would you make it the guy who has only lost one in his entire f*cking career?

I know some of you are expecting me to complain about Crimson being in the BFG Series despite not having been on TV for a year (and coming off of a loss, no less), but I am going to give this a pass because Crimson’s career record is pretty f*cking insane, if you think about it. What I will complain about, though, is Joseph Park. The guy has barely been wrestling for seven months and hasn’t beaten any one over the mid-card… and he gets a chance to be in the BFG Series?

VELVET SKY & MICKIE JAMES SEGMENT- FAN-F*CKING-TASTIC!

MATT MORGAN PROMO- good… although apparently he has to face three guys for some reason.

FOUR CORNER SURVIVAL BFG SERIES QUALIFIER: Matt Morgan vs. Magnus vs. Rob Terry vs. Kenny King- 4.5/10
So they fill most of the singles qualifiers with glorified jobbers but stick four guys who all deserve qualifiers in just one match? Come on! And to make matters worse, they kill all of the suspense about which of these deserving contenders might make it in by only having one of them cut a pre-match promo and have his entrance shown!

Well… color me surprised. Matt Morgan didn’t get the win!

EY PROMO- well… at least he won’t actually get in to the BFG Series. Dear G-d I hope they don’t put him over Aries.

STING PROMO- So, Stinger; you’re upset because no one came to help you when Aces & Eights were beating you up at Slammiversary? Well I don’t seem to remember you using you magical powers of teleportation to help anyone else when they were getting beaten up by Aces & Eights recently, either.
Sting says that Aces & Eights are like family. He then misquotes The Godfather: Part III and says he is going to form a new Main Event Mafia of people he can trust so he can beat up Aces & Eights. The Main Event Mafia? Really? The stable whose name screams “HEELS!” is what the writers want to use to save the company? Someone did not think this through at all.

BFG SERIES QUALIFYING MATCH: Austin Aries vs. Eric Young (w/ODB)- 4.5/10
Why did it take AUSTIN ARIES more time to be a comedy jobber than it took Hernandez to beat Chavo?

ACES & EIGHTS BACKSTAGE- Bully says Hogan wants them to fight each other, so they make some secret deal. Doc doesn’t seem to like it, though.

CHRIS SABIN PROMO- great

ACES & EIGHTS BFG SERIES QUALIFYING BATTLE ROYALE- No rating. Bad segment.
We get the world’s longest Fingerpoke of Doom until the last guy, Doc, decides not to purposely eliminate himself. He is eliminated by Anderson in less than a minute. Glad we got a pay-off to all of that rebelling we have seen Doc doing over the last ten minutes or so.
My problems with this segment were the following:
1) the backstage segment they just did pretty much gave away what they were doing, and that Doc was going to think about rebelling.
2) Why, of all people, would Bully choose ANDERSON to be the one to get the BFG Series spot. Why choose the guy with the noted independent streak as the guy who might possibly have a shot at your title? Wouldn’t it make sense to pick someone much more loyal, like Devon?
3) Why is Doc rebelling all of a sudden? Seriously! This has had no build up whatsoever aside from that one backstage segment ten minutes ago.
4) Surely Doc knows that if he were to rebel and eliminate Anderson and get the spot for himself, Bully would just want him to lie down for him at BFG. He wouldn’t actually get a real title shot, so why bother?

KURT ANGLE & RAMPAGE JACKSON BACKSTAGE- I guess this is meant to explain why we likely won’t see Rampage again for a very long time (like until he actually trains to be a pro wrestler).

ACES & EIGHTS YELL AT DOC BACKSTAGE- HORRIBLE!
First they all yell at Doc. Let me get this straight: D’Lo Brown loses a wrestling match and as a result he gets kicked out of the club… but Doc defies their evil plan they just yell at him a bit?
Bully is upset because Doc rebelled, and as a result, Doc and Anderson punched each other a few times. Bully yells at them, saying “they’re doing to us, what we’re doing to them” (i.e. fighting amongst themselves)… but Aces & Eights haven’t made the TNA guys fight amongst themselves (at least not since last summer, with the whole “James Storm is the leader of the Aces & Eights” thing, and that was really more Bobby Roode’s doing than anyone else).
Doc then says that he is going to step up and take AJ out. Okay, fine… but that brings up a good point: Why the hell haven’t Aces & Eights been going after AJ? He publically humiliated them by turning them down, then he assaulted them with a hammer!

So less than two weeks after Slammiversary, TNA offers a rematch on free TV with a whole lot more on the line. Even when they only have four PPVs, TNA will try their damnedest to make you regret buying them.
BFG SERIES QUALIFYING MATCH: Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles- 6.75/10
Would have been a seven if they hadn’t done a bunch of running around RIGHT AFTER a sequence of trading leg submission finishers.
Aces & Eights show up and accidentally cause AJ to win. Rather than go after AJ, who they explicitly said they were going to go after and the guy who is now in the BFG Series which will give him the chance to challenge for their leader’s TNA World Heavyweight Title (in the opening segment, Bully said that everyone in the BFG Series is a “target”), they let AJ go and decide to attack Kurt instead. This was done purely so Rampage Jackson could come out swinging a chain and make the save for Kurt. WHAT THE F*CK?!

This week’s show was extremely schizophrenic. They set up Aces & Eights wanting to go after AJ… but then had them go after Kurt instead. They set Morgan and Crimson up to win their qualifiers… then have them lose. They set up dissension within the Aces & Eights… then immediately dispel it. They do a segment to set up for next week’s Open Fight Night… in a way that practically guarantees that we are going to get one specific match. This was a bad show in the ring with a lot of weird/bad booking decisions. At least the Mickie James stuff rocked.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay says that there are lots of issues between Bad Influence & Storm/Gunner, which all started at Slammiversary, when Storm & Gunner beat three other teams.
WHAT?! That’s not “having issues” with someone. That is “someone beat someone else in a wrestling match!” To make matters worse, there ARE issues between Storm and Bad Influence which were part of the build up to Slammiversary which Tenay doesn’t mention at all!

[badnewzxl]

BFG SERIES QUALIFYING MATCH: Austin Aries vs. Eric Young (w/ODB)- 4.5/10
Why did it take AUSTIN ARIES more time to be a comedy jobber than it took Hernandez to beat Chavo?

bc EY and A-Double are more entertaining than Chavo and Hernendez any day of the week.

My biggest question about the BFG participants is WHY does Joseph Park even get a shot?

Keeping Morgan and Storm out of the series is a mistake, imo. It's the perfect opportunity to keep them on tv, give them a chance to get over more, and not waste them away, bc they haven't really done anything with either of them except a few half-assed feuds.

[Big Red Machine]

BFG SERIES QUALIFYING MATCH: Austin Aries vs. Eric Young (w/ODB)- 4.5/10
Why did it take AUSTIN ARIES more time to be a comedy jobber than it took Hernandez to beat Chavo?

bc EY and A-Double are more entertaining than Chavo and Hernendez any day of the week.

My biggest question about the BFG participants is WHY does Joseph Park even get a shot?

Keeping Morgan and Storm out of the series is a mistake, imo. It's the perfect opportunity to keep them on tv, give them a chance to get over more, and not waste them away, bc they haven't really done anything with either of them except a few half-assed feuds.

Storm's got the tag titles. He'll be fine. But Morgan I agree with you on. I am positively baffled as to why they didn't put him in the BFG Series.

[cero2k]

bc EY and A-Double are more entertaining than Chavo and Hernendez any day of the week.

My biggest question about the BFG participants is WHY does Joseph Park even get a shot?

Keeping Morgan and Storm out of the series is a mistake, imo. It's the perfect opportunity to keep them on tv, give them a chance to get over more, and not waste them away, bc they haven't really done anything with either of them except a few half-assed feuds.

Storm's got the tag titles. He'll be fine. But Morgan I agree with you on. I am positively baffled as to why they didn't put him in the BFG Series.

I'm baffled why he hasn't asked for his release

[badnewzxl]

BFG SERIES QUALIFYING MATCH: Austin Aries vs. Eric Young (w/ODB)- 4.5/10
Why did it take AUSTIN ARIES more time to be a comedy jobber than it took Hernandez to beat Chavo?

bc EY and A-Double are more entertaining than Chavo and Hernendez any day of the week.

My biggest question about the BFG participants is WHY does Joseph Park even get a shot?

Keeping Morgan and Storm out of the series is a mistake, imo. It's the perfect opportunity to keep them on tv, give them a chance to get over more, and not waste them away, bc they haven't really done anything with either of them except a few half-assed feuds.

Storm's got the tag titles. He'll be fine. But Morgan I agree with you on. I am positively baffled as to why they didn't put him in the BFG Series.

I'm wondering who's next in line for the tag titles; Hernendez & Chavo will seemingly have to at least go on a hiatus (although I think Chavo'll turn heel) and Bad Influence, Aries, and Roode are all in the BFG Series. I'm afraid this team of Gunner & Storm is gonna be an afterthought.

[Nic/Phreak]

I take offence to the ""This week’s show was extremely schizophrenic."" lmao

just kidding ..I guess I'm glad I didnt watch

but honestly I think they just throw shit together at the very last second and maybe even within 30mins of the actual live show starting, which has to be one guess ((the other is WWE secretly owns them and Vince uses it as their revamped "XFL" lol))

[cero2k]

I'm wondering who's next in line for the tag titles; Hernendez & Chavo will seemingly have to at least go on a hiatus (although I think Chavo'll turn heel) and Bad Influence, Aries, and Roode are all in the BFG Series. I'm afraid this team of Gunner & Storm is gonna be an afterthought.

i'd say natural booking would be to give them to some pair in Aces and Eights but at this point that wouldn't really mean anything. There's also Rampage and Angle

[cero2k]

So let me get this straight. Hogan wants the World Heavyweight Title out of the hands of Aces & Eights. There is a tournament with only twelve spots in it to determine who will challenge for that title… and Hulk is willing to give one of those twelve spots to a guy who might just well lie down for Bully Ray in the main event of the biggest PPV of the year?
Or how about this? Some members of Aces & Eights (Doc, Knux, D’Lo, & Devon) aren’t under contract to TNA… and Hogan is willing to do something that will allow someone who isn’t under contract to get a shot at the TNA World Heavyweight Title?

maybe he knows that gold can make people change and this would surely cause some dissension in A&8s, kinda how Evolution disbanded.

[Bob-O]

bc EY and A-Double are more entertaining than Chavo and Hernendez any day of the week.

My biggest question about the BFG participants is WHY does Joseph Park even get a shot?

Keeping Morgan and Storm out of the series is a mistake, imo. It's the perfect opportunity to keep them on tv, give them a chance to get over more, and not waste them away, bc they haven't really done anything with either of them except a few half-assed feuds.

Storm's got the tag titles. He'll be fine. But Morgan I agree with you on. I am positively baffled as to why they didn't put him in the BFG Series.

I'm baffled why he hasn't asked for his release

He is a "Heyman Guy" after all. I believe Matt would be the last one from Paul's time in OVW that could draw immediately.

[Big Bad Booty Daddy]

Best line by Kazarian

Storms had more partners then Taylor swift bet he's more heartbroken too lol