BRM Reviews the 3/9/2015 Raw (boring)

[Big Red Machine]

The main event will be a two-on-one handicap match with Orton & Rollins vs. Reigns. OH COME ON! I thought we were done with this f*cking “the Authoirty vs. enemies hadnciap match” sh*t.

OPENING SEGMENT- we got an annoying segment in which the Authority (but not Steph and Hunter who are too busy for this dumb sh*t) told us all we were wrong for thinking that Randy is going to turn. In other words, “tonight is the night he will turn.”
Now Rollins is talking to Jamie Noble in babytalk. OH MY G-D MAKE IT STOP! It’s only five minutes in and I already want to kill myself instead of watch this.
Rollins is mean to Big Show for no reason. Yeah. Because everyone is just salivating to see Big Show turn number 5,372.
Now that he has their trust, Orton then insulted them all, calling Kane “the Devil’s Favorite Dumbass” and made fun of Jamie Noble for being short. Then he spilled his evil plan to them, but said “JK guys! LOL!” and IT ALL F*CKING SUCKED!
Then they all said “That’s what’s best for best for business” like it’s some sort of battle cry. All of them except for Orton who has clearly lost all ability to be stealthy or subtle. What a dumbass. Can you imagine a movie with a deep undercover agent at a Nazi rally and all of the Nazis shout “HEIL HITLER!” and do the salute but the one guy doesn’t join in? ALL OF THE NAZIS WOULD IMMEDIATELY BE SUSPICIOUS OF THIS GUY. But not our villains here in WWE, because the writers are idiotic.

There’s a “Chris Benoit is innocent” sign right opposite the hard-cam. How long do you think before that’s gone? Also an “Angle is better than Lesnar” sign.

Whose appearance do they plug first: Wiz Kalifa or Brock Lesnar? Kalifa of course.

DANIEL BRYAN vs. WADE BARRETT- 4/10
As of Friday, Bryan officially got involved in this IC Title dumbf*ckery.
A good chunk of this match took place during commercial. The announcers paid no attention to it because we had to have R-Truth on commentary so the announcers could engage with him in dumbf*ckery.
POST- MATCH SEGMENT- Barrett knocks Bryan out with the Bull Hammer. Then he tells R-Truth he’ll come after him later. Why not do it now?
Then Ambrose came out and took care of Barrett.

TRIPLE H VS. STING WRESTLEMANIA COMMERCIAL- Alexa Bliss! was technically in it, so I can’t get too angry.

STARDUST vs. DEAN AMBROSE- 4.25/10
Truth is still on commentary. Let me guess: He’s going to steal the IC Title belt. (edit: and I was right. How did I guess this? Perhaps because it’s happened ON EVERY F*CKING SHOW FOR WEEKS NOW!)
Cole and Truth went into business for themselves by promoting a different hashtag than the one in the top corner of the screen.

Booker T took the time to remind us that it was Cody Rhodes who brought back the white strap for the IC Title way back in 2011 so that he could “restore the title to its former glory.” And what a great job he did. You know, just like the IC Champions of today: doing the job.
When Dean beat Stardust, Booker T kept insisting that this was a title change. This sh*t needs to stop immediately.

POST-MATCH CLUSTERF*CK- F*CKING STUPID!
Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler are left selling in the ring, staring at each other, probably wishing that they could just wrestle each other in a singles match.

THE WARRIOR AWARD- Look… I get that he was a little boy with cancer, and he was beloved by a lot of the wrestlers, production people, etc., but this is the WWE Hall of Fame. This is for talent. This is for us the fans and for WWE the company to express their appreciation to the wrestlers and other important people (announcers, bookers, Jim Johnston, etc.) for all of the work they have done for us.
Inducting a little boy with cancer or a paralyzed war hero or a cop shot in the line of duty or a 9/11 first responder or whoever else they’ll expand this to just SCREAMS “CORPORATE PR STUNT!” to me and I don’t like it.

The WrestleMania graphic is cool, but the play-button still looks really dumb.

ROAD IS JERICHO COMMERCIAL- that actually looks REALLY cool.

PAUL HEYMAN SEGMENT- He shows us a F*CKING AWESOME Roman Reigns video package. Then he cut a racist promo. NOT what this build (or ANY build) needs. Oh. And people STILL cheered Heyman because they don’t like Roman that much.
Aside from the racism, Paul was as awesome as always.

BRAY PROMO- he’s got the urn. We’ll see what happens later.

KANE & BIG SHOW vs. ERICK ROWAN & RYBACK- 0.25/10
Apparently, on Smackdown, Ryback pinned Kane after A F*CKING CLOTHESLINE because Big Show distracted Kane. In the interests of full disclosure, I would like it to be known that at this point BRM got so bored he decided to start consuming alcohol in hopes that it would make the viewing experience more pleasurable.
So Ryback and Rowan entered to ROWAN’s music. Really.
Also, all of these guys will be in the Andre The Giant Memorial Clusterf*ck. Rowan showed up how much he wanted to win the battle royale by stealing Cesaro’s diving European Uppercut.
The match was very short. Big Show accidentally KOed Kane, so they argued. AGAIN. Listen up, WWE writers: TAKE A SH*T OR GET OFF THE F*CKING POT!
Steph came out and cut a promo on them in which she failed at Yiddish (unless “Ka-vetching is some English word I don’t know). Also, she totally buried them and sent them home. HOORAY FOR SEGMENTS THAT HELP NO ONE!
She also seemed strangely enamored with Kane’s stomach because she was staring at it instead of at Kane and Big Show’s faces while she was angrily yelling at them.

MIZ/MIZ-DOW ED PILL COMMERCIAL RECAP- They missed the best part of this, which was a Tweet from Maryse exclaiming that it only happened once.

WIZ KALIFA/MIZ/MIZ-DOW SEGMENT- okay.

WIZ KALIFA CONCERT- there’s three weeks left until WrestleMania… and they chose to spent time on THIS.

WWE FLINSTONES CLIP- there are two identical brunettes selling kisses to fans for “100 clams.” I didn’t realize Sunny dyed her hair brown and had an identical twin.

BELLAS PROMO- their boobs look the same size again. Also, they plugged the Flinstones movie.

AJ LEE (w/Paige) vs. SUMMER RAE (w/Eva Marie & Cameron)- 3.25/10
Summer Rae is such an awesome heel.

STING’S MOTIVATION REVEALED- this should have been hyped up.
It was pretty good. Basically he wants to save WWE from the Authority so that it doesn’t get destroyed by nepotism and politics like WCW did.

RUSEV & CENA HAVE A MEETING BACKSTAGE- not bad, but very out of place at this stage in the feud.

CURTIS AXEL vs. RUSEV (w/Lana)- squash
So JBL says that Truth is nuts for thinking that he didn’t steal the IC Title… but Curtis Axel’s Royale Rumble claims are totally sane.

RUSEV PROMO- AWESOME!

CENA & RUSEV STUFF- very good concept, but Cena’s execution of the STFU was VERY bad. Cena’s little laugh at the end was also kind of evil, which isn’t good for a top babyface.

RUSEV & LANA BACKSTAGE- good. They didn’t speak a word of English, but you understood exactly what they were saying.

UPPER-CATS (w/Natalya) vs. THE NEW DAY (w/Xavier Woods)- 4/10
They randomly cut to a ringpost-cam during a cannonball-type spot, which by its nature, the ringpost-cam could not possibly have seen.
Huh? NEW DAY WON?! That can’t be right. New Day never wins.

NAOMI (w/the Usos) vs. NATALYA (w/the Upper-Cats)- 2/10
Another match that took place mostly during a commercial. Great sharpshooter counter, though. Also, Naomi needs a better finisher.
I’ve got to agree with JBL: I think Nattie was pinned during that Lance Storm-Jerry Lynn exchange of roll-ups spot.

Wait… what the f*ck? Nattie just stole Tyson’s tag title belt.

LOS MATADORES (w/El Torito) vs. THE USOS (w/Naomi)- 3.25/10
Los Matadores look longingly at the tag titles, which tells us that the tag title match will also become another pointless multi-way clusterf*ck. If you want to get everyone on the Mania card, just throw them in the Andre Battle Royale. Don’t make every single undercard match a thirteen-way.

ROLLINS & THE STOOGERWEIGHTS BACKSTAGE- eh.

BRAY WYATT PROMO WITH THE URN- Bray was F*CKING AWESOME here.
When he opened the urn, I was ready for his face to start melting like the Nazi from Raiders.
This was also a great use of special effects.


HANDICAP MATCH: Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins & Randy Orton (w/Joey Mercury & Jamie Noble)- No rating. TERRIBLE SEGMENT.
Orton turns heel in the dumbest, most pointless way possible, and Roman Reigns needs this distraction to win (although that last part is probably not such a big deal… but only because of the additional problem of this whole set-up making Roman a complete and total afterthought). Orton then beat Rollins up in a beating that took entirely too long, while Steph sent a grand total of ZERO security guys out to try to save her hand-picked “Future of the WWE.”

Another bad Raw. Watch Bray’s promo, Heyman’s promo, and get a look at Nattie’s really hot gear. Other than that, a terrible show. The extremely lackluster build to Mania continues.

[cero2k]

STING’S MOTIVATION REVEALED- this should have been hyped up.
It was pretty good. Basically he wants to save WWE from the Authority so that it doesn’t get destroyed by nepotism and politics like WCW did.
did you noticed it wasn't Sting's actual voice?

BRAY WYATT PROMO WITH THE URN- Bray was F*CKING AWESOME here.
When he opened the urn, I was ready for his face to start melting like the Nazi from Raiders.
This was also a great use of special effects.
i liked Bray but was disappointed in Taker's response, they didn't even show a close up of the tron

[Big Red Machine]

STING’S MOTIVATION REVEALED- this should have been hyped up.
It was pretty good. Basically he wants to save WWE from the Authority so that it doesn’t get destroyed by nepotism and politics like WCW did.
did you noticed it wasn't Sting's actual voice?
I did, but forgot to note it. There were one or two words that sounded like him and they were important words in the promo, but I don't remember what they were.
BRAY WYATT PROMO WITH THE URN- Bray was F*CKING AWESOME here.
When he opened the urn, I was ready for his face to start melting like the Nazi from Raiders.
This was also a great use of special effects.
i liked Bray but was disappointed in Taker's response, they didn't even show a close up of the tron
I think the Tron was just lighting a stuff. I don't think Taker was ever "seen." Just magically heard.

[Big Red Machine]

THE WARRIOR AWARD- Look… I get that he was a little boy with cancer, and he was beloved by a lot of the wrestlers, production people, etc., but this is the WWE Hall of Fame. This is for talent. This is for us the fans and for WWE the company to express their appreciation to the wrestlers and other important people (announcers, bookers, Jim Johnston, etc.) for all of the work they have done for us.
Inducting a little boy with cancer or a paralyzed war hero or a cop shot in the line of duty or a 9/11 first responder or whoever else they’ll expand this to just SCREAMS “CORPORATE PR STUNT!” to me and I don’t like it.

Okay... now I'm annoyed. According to Meltzer, what Warrior wanted was some sort of recognition for the unsung heroes of the wrestling business, like Jim Johnston, or the production people or the or the guys who design the merch. So they are naming an award after Warrior, but not making it anything remotely close to what Warrior wanted.

[cero2k]

THE WARRIOR AWARD- Look… I get that he was a little boy with cancer, and he was beloved by a lot of the wrestlers, production people, etc., but this is the WWE Hall of Fame. This is for talent. This is for us the fans and for WWE the company to express their appreciation to the wrestlers and other important people (announcers, bookers, Jim Johnston, etc.) for all of the work they have done for us.
Inducting a little boy with cancer or a paralyzed war hero or a cop shot in the line of duty or a 9/11 first responder or whoever else they’ll expand this to just SCREAMS “CORPORATE PR STUNT!” to me and I don’t like it.

Okay... now I'm annoyed. According to Meltzer, what Warrior wanted was some sort of recognition for the unsung heroes of the wrestling business, like Jim Johnston, or the production people or the or the guys who design the merch. So they are naming an award after Warrior, but not making it anything remotely close to what Warrior wanted.

yeah, they kinda manipulated last year's Warrior speech to make it appropriate for what they're doing

[Big Red Machine]

THE WARRIOR AWARD- Look… I get that he was a little boy with cancer, and he was beloved by a lot of the wrestlers, production people, etc., but this is the WWE Hall of Fame. This is for talent. This is for us the fans and for WWE the company to express their appreciation to the wrestlers and other important people (announcers, bookers, Jim Johnston, etc.) for all of the work they have done for us.
Inducting a little boy with cancer or a paralyzed war hero or a cop shot in the line of duty or a 9/11 first responder or whoever else they’ll expand this to just SCREAMS “CORPORATE PR STUNT!” to me and I don’t like it.

Okay... now I'm annoyed. According to Meltzer, what Warrior wanted was some sort of recognition for the unsung heroes of the wrestling business, like Jim Johnston, or the production people or the or the guys who design the merch. So they are naming an award after Warrior, but not making it anything remotely close to what Warrior wanted.

yeah, they kinda manipulated last year's Warrior speech to make it appropriate for what they're doing

So they do that and then have the audacity to name it after the guy? That's total BS.

[Bulletclubfan2014]

Okay... now I'm annoyed. According to Meltzer, what Warrior wanted was some sort of recognition for the unsung heroes of the wrestling business, like Jim Johnston, or the production people or the or the guys who design the merch. So they are naming an award after Warrior, but not making it anything remotely close to what Warrior wanted.
yeah, they kinda manipulated last year's Warrior speech to make it appropriate for what they're doing.
So they do that and then have the audacity to name it after the guy? That's total BS.

If you believe what Brett Hart said in his book Warrior treated so many Make A Wish kids like crap when he was WWF Champion it kinda makes it look bad given they named an award for kids who died from cancer after a guy who treated cancer patients like crap

[cero2k]

So they do that and then have the audacity to name it after the guy? That's total BS.

aaannd Dana Warrior is presenting the award along with Dragon

[cero2k]

just hearing the bryan and vinny show, they made me realize that Usos/Naomi vs Uppercats/Natty vs New Day vs Matadores/Torito is totally possible

[Big Red Machine]

just hearing the bryan and vinny show, they made me realize that Usos/Naomi vs Uppercats/Natty vs New Day vs Matadores/Torito is totally possible

Except that they'd somehow have to force it so that Naomi and Nattie only work each other. It's a bad idea... and it might well be what they're going for.