BRM Reviews the 1/9/2014 Impact (WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?!)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- okay.
Dixie calls AJ out and says that the fans don’t know what is in this contract… so she tells us that it is a contract for one night only, and for just one match between AJ and Magnus to determine the true, undisputed TNA World Heavyweight Champion… which we all already knew.
She then decides to make the match a No DQ’s match so that AJ will be carried out of a TNA for the last time on a stretcher. Why would AJ agree to this? Shouldn’t he insist on it being a cage match, so no one can interfere?
Oh. Okay. AJ has friends in the locker room, too, who are willing to interfere on his behalf if Dixie’s cronies interfere. A good explanation. Dixie then implies that anyone who might want to helo AJ will be too scared to help because Dixie could punish him.
AJ says that if he wins, Dixie can’t make any more new world titles. That was good, too. Magnus comes out Magnus shows up and says that AJ doesn’t have any support in the back and that he is only back because he wants to be in the spotlight again.
AJ says that he didn’t take any shortcuts to become champion. That eleven years of his own hardwork, blood, sweat, and tears made him the champion. AJ’s phrasing here kind of bothered me because it ignored his other four world title reigns. He then says he will leave the building tonight as the champ.

The segment wasn’t bad, but it really felt like it dragged on.

GENSIS COMMERCIAL- they advertise it as “a night that will change TNA Wrestling forever.”
1) How do they know this?
2) Is this really the best way to hype up next week’s show when you are telling us that tonight’s main event is the most important match in TNA history?
What the hell is wrong with just advertising the announced matches?

DIXIE BACKSTAGE WITH GAIL AND TAPA- Apparently Dixie has given them (and especially Tapa) some task to carry out. We then got a similar segment with Dixie and the Bro-Mans.

JOSEPH PARK & ERIC YOUNG vs. BRO-MANS (w/DJ Zema Ion)- no rating. Eh segment.
Tenay reminds us that the Bro-Mans are now in their third month as tag team champions, and that by winning the belts, they have proven themselves to be the top tag team in TNA. I’m pretty sure that during this time they have only defended the belts once, and that wasn’t even a clean win! How the hell can you possibly have your babyface announcer say something like this?
Anyway, apparently those segments with Dixie backstage were to set up Gail and Tapa attacking ODB backstage. EY runs backstage to make the save, leaving Joseph alone. WHY?! Since when is Dixie feuding with either these guys or ODB?
So Bro-Mans win the match and decide to assault Joseph with a guardrail. Once again… WHY?! All this seems like it will do is make it more likely that these people will help AJ!
On the bright side, apparently Bro-Mans have a finisher now. It is a Hart Attack, called the Bro-Down.

SAMOA JOE & DIXIE CARTER BACKSTAGE- Joe says that he will side with AJ. Dixie books him against EC III. Joe tells Dixie “his blood is on your hands, not mine.”

STING & EY BACKSTAGE- Atrocious
EY is carrying ODB, presumably rushing her to an ambulance. Sting asks him what happened to ODB. EY responds “I don’t know. She was unconscious. I found her back there.” COME THE F*CK ON! EY left the ringside area because HE SAW TAPA AND GAIL ASSAULTING ODB ON THE PANDATRON! And now he says that he doesn’t know what happened and that he just found her unconscious backstage?
They can’t even keep their story straight THROUGH ONE F*CKING COMMERCIAL!
Sting doesn’t know what happened, either, but he just assumes that Dixie Carter had something to do with it. As I mentioned above, it’s not like Dixie was feuding with EY, Joseph or ODB… so why the hell would Sting jump to this conclusion?

STORM & GUNNER SEGMENT- awesome! Storm stretches the Truth a bit about the world title being what broke AMW up, but other than that, a great segment. Storm says that Gunner screwed him out of the world title shot Feast-or-Fired case so he challenges him to prove that he can beat him for it fairly. Gunner agrees. This is what wrestling should f*cking be. It doesn’t need to be any more complicated than this.

SAMOA JOE vs. EC III-
The match starts with EC III jumping Joe backstage. So Rockstar Spud interferes on EC III’s behalf… so Hebner declares the match to be… a “no contest.” Not threats for Dixie or anything. Earl just decided to call it a no contest instead of a DQ because… um…
Anyway, EC III hits Joe in the knee with a wrench.

KURT ANGLE PROMO- he says that this match against Bobby Roode at Genesis will be “the biggest match of my career.” Because it’s not like Kurt has ever competed a Bound For Glory or wrestled for any world titles or anything, right? Kurt is issuing an open challenge in a cage match tonight to prepare for his cage match at Genesis. Why is Kurt allowed to book his own matches?

Joe needs to have his leg x-rayed. Good. AJ’s friends are dropping like flies. Apparently Storm & Gunner got jumped, too.

STING CONFRONTS DIXIE OVER IT- I really didn’t like this segment just because it was so unnecessary. It gave us no insight into anyone’s character. It is just Sting and Dixie being painfully, laughably overdramatic.

So Kurt comes out for his open challenge and Bobby Roode teases that Kurt will have him, but instead announces that Angle will face both Kaz and Daniels. Why does Kurt have to take this match 2-on-1? He is a babyface so he should be honorable. That doesn’t mean he has to be an idiot.

STEEL CAGE HANDICAP MATCH: Kurt Angle vs. Bad Influence- 4/10
Kurt Angle BY HIMSELF beats Bad Influence in less than five minutes. This made Bad Influence look like total chumps, and got NO HEAT AT ALL for Roode. FAIL!

DIXIE CARTER & BOBBY ROODE BACKSTAGE- Dixie books Sting vs. Roode in a steel cage match. It iis implied that Dixie has some evil plan to deal with Sting.
Yeah. Roode vs. Sting in a cage match with FIVE MINUTES OF BUILD!

So backstage Kurt is taking a picture with some tourists of VIP’s or something. A nice family moment with their Olympic hero. Then Al Snow drives up in a car and tells Kurt that they need to leave for the airport immediately because there is some sort of emergency, so Kurt jumps in the car and Al whisks him away. This just looked so hokey.

STTEL CAGE MATCH: Bobby Roode vs. Sting- 5/10
So Kurt can beat former TNA World Tag Team Champions on his own in less than five minutes, but Roode needs help to beat an old guy. How does this help build him up for Kurt?
I also really didn’t like the escape finish because it doesn’t help Dixie’s evil plan at all. Does anyone really think that two baton shots will keep Sting out of the main event? Why not have Roode make him tap the crossface and leave the hold on for a while and injure Sting’s neck (and then, which Sting comes out to help AJ, have EC III attack him and target his neck to build up to their match)?

ANDERSON & BULLY IN A FUNERAL HOME- Between the music and the angles they used and the camera cuts, it made this seem like a sh*tty student film.
And one point Bully said to Anderson “if you get any closer, you might see what I have in my other hand.” At this point I could not help but run through the possibilities in my head: Is it a gun? Or he is making a dick joke? Are they trying to rip off Seven and Bully has murdered and decapitated Anderson’s wife (who he has threatened to murder before)?
Then Bully says “it might smell familiar.”
Um… okay...
So Bully tells Anderson to look in the coffin and Anderson sees two little babies’ outfits (implying that Bully is going to MURDER ANDERSON’S CHILDREN) . Then, when Anderson turns around… Bully is gone. PLEASE END THIS ANGLE NOW!

They recap the various injuries for tonight, and Tenay, in his usual “boy, isn’t this intriguing?” voice, talks about there being a “pattern.” He needs to be replaced ASAP.

STING & DIXIE BACKSTAGE- Sting claims to have been hit with a pipe. Dixie tries to first buy him off, and then seduce him. Yes. You read that right: Dixie tried to seduce Sting.

NO DISQUALIFICATION MATCH TO DECIDE WHO IS THE TRUE UNDISPUTED TNQA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: Magnus vs. AJ Styles- 2/10
Tenay tells us that all of AJ’s friends have been injured to the point where they can’t help him. I guess he forgot that segment with Sting and Dixie where Sting said that it would a lot more to keep him from helping AJ. But really… can you blame Mike for not remembering something that happened all the way back THE VERY LAST SEGMENT?! Yes. You certainly can.
So Spud and EC III interfere right away. Once AJ loses control, Sting comes to make the save for him. Bro-Mans and Zema Ion come down to help the heels. Hebner doesn’t try to kic k them out or anything, but he does get angry and refuse to count… so we had Magnus get a visual pinfall on AJ.
AJ and Sting get the advantage against six guys, but Bad Influence come out to turn the tables… and the same thing happens with Hebner refusing to count. Hebner shoves Spud and storms away… but Dixie drags Brian Hebner out onto the ramp and orders Earl to count the pin or else he (Brian) will be fired (presumably). Here’s an idea? What not have Spud count the pin? Or count the pin yourself, Dixie? Why not do something that puts the focus of the match to determine who the undisputed world champion is on the wrestlers themselves instead of on whether or not the f*cking referee will count the pin!
Earl doesn’t do it, so Dixie orders Brian Hebner to do it, but AJ kicks out. Stuff happens. AJ and Sting beat up fifty-seven guys all on their own and AJ locks in the Calf Killer on Magnus, but Daniels and Kaz beat Brian Hebner up. AJ beats them both up and hits the Styles Clash… but there is no ref. Earl Hebner comes running back out and gets to a two count before Daniels pulls him out of the ring. AJ tries ACH’s crazy dive to the outside and doesn’t quite hit it right, so he almost smashed his head on the outside. Thankfully he was okay and he wiped Bad Influence out with it. Then he climbed to the top rope, but Bobby Roode shoved him off and hit him with his new finisher (which is basically an AA) three times. Then Dixie brings out Brian Stiffler to force him to count the pin, and he does so.
A normal company would have AJ just job clean to Magnus on his way out, but TNA decided it would be better to have him completely bury pretty much all of the heels on his way out, and make his last match about whether or not the f*cking referees felt like counting the pinfall.

As a narrative, this episode of Impact was well-constructed. AJ’s friends were all taken out one by one until he and Sting lost the numbers game and got beaten. In a self-contained world, it wouldn’t have been bad. As an episode of a wrestling show that needs to put on a show next week, and every subsequent week, though, this was a disaster. They completely buried all of their heels going into a big episode of Impact.