BRM Reviews the 12/22/2014 Raw (Cena vs. Rollins!)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- Hulk Hogan comes out dressed as Santa Claus. He says he will give out presents to the WWE superstars and to the fans. Does Hogan really help ratings at all? I can’t possibly believe that he does. He never does anything when he shows up, and everyone knows it. The nostalgia value of hearing him call people “brother, Jack, and dude” and ask “what’cha gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?” has got to have extremely rapidly diminishing returns.
In a throwback to the 1995 Nitros I have been watching, Hogan called Big Show a “big stink, nasty wart-infested Giant.”
Anyway, Cena came out, they gabbed, then Rollins came out a cut a good heel promo. Cena cut a good babyface promo in return, then Hogan booked Cena vs. Rollins for right now.

JOHN CENA vs. SETH ROLLINS (w/Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury)- 8.25/10
Awesome opener. When was the last time that the first match on the show when longer than the opening talking segment.

KANE SAYS “BAH HUMBUG”- this was supposed to entertain us.

JACK SWAGGER vs. FANDANGO (w/Rosa Mendes)- 2.25/10
Fandango beat Swagger. Yes. Really. We all know that this won’t go anywhere, but at least Swagger has potential to go somewhere, whereas Fandango already would have if he could… so it if it’s not going to go anywhere, why have Job-dango beat Swagger?

DOLPH ZIGGLER PROMO- great build for his title defense against Luke Harper tonight.

NEW DAY VIDEO- are they back down to just doing vignettes already.

R-TRUTH vs. ADAM ROSE (w/the Exotic Express)- DUD!
The Bunny was wearing a neckbrace after taking Tombstone Piledrivers from Kane on both Raw and Smackdown;
The match was short, and Rose, the leader of a travelling dance party, is a worse dancer than I am (and let me assure you I’m pretty damn bad).
The Bunny tried to comfort Rose after his loss, so Rose beat the sh*t out of The Bunny. HOORAY!

BIG SHOW vs. ROMAN REIGNS- 2/10
Because I have a dirty, dirty mind, when Big Show cut that inset promo telling Reigns “I have a Christmas present for you: It’s not a stocking-stuffer- It’s a face-stuffer.” My immediate thought was “I really hope he doesn’t whip out the Little Show.”
Reigns’ in-set promo wasn’t very good, and Cole made it worse by telling us that Reigns cut a promo on the pre-show that was exactly the same as the promo that Big Show cut here.
Reigns’ gear looks like a sh*tty laser-tag vest. He won the match by count-out in just a few minutes.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS DEAN AMBROSE- okay.

BRIE BELLA (w/Nikki Bella) vs. NATALYA (w/Tyson Kidd)- 0.75/10
Between the headphones and the backwards baseball cap, TJ looks more like he’s Nattie’s teenage son than her husband. The match was short and pretty pointless.
Nattie knocking Nikki off the apron was pretty dickish, but I do love the idea of Nattie winning the title.

SMACKDOWN IS MOVING TO THURSDAYS COMMERCIAL- horribly stupid.

ASCENSION PROMO- random stupid catchphrases that felt like they belonged in the mid 90’s.

DUST-BROTHERS IN-SET PROMO- weird and dumb.

HADNICAP MATCH: Goldust & Stardust vs. Los Matadores & El Torito- 2/10
Torito was dressed as a Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. The babyfaes had an advantage and STILL had needed Goldust to accidentally punch Cody in order for them to win the match.

LUKE HARPER PROMO- very good

WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: Dolph Ziggler(c) vs. Luke Harper- 7.5/10
A great match. Harper was a big strong monster and Dolph was a valiant babyface. GREAT stuff. After the match Lawler went to go interview Dolph in the ring. Dolph cut a decent babyface promo
In perhaps the biggest shock of the night, one of the Tweets they put on their ticker along the bottom of the screen was from someone whose name was wwetnalover117. This might well be the first time the letters “tna” have appeared together like this on WWE TV since 2002.

PIPER’S PIT, WITH SPECIAL GUESTS RUSEV AND LANA- really just a set-up for Ryback to run Rusev off, but it was well done.

SANTA’S HELPER SIX WOMAN TAG TEAM MATCH: Alicia Fox, Naomi, & Emma vs. Cameron, Summer Rae, & Paige-
The obligatory degrading theme match of the season. Jerry Lawler asks the other announcers if they remember Xanta Klaus. I urge everyone to check out his debut at In Your House 5: Season’s Beatings, purely for Vince’s commentary.

ASCENSION PROMO #2- even worse than the first, but it told us that they will debut next week.

JEY USO (w/Jimmy Uso) vs. THE MIZ (w/Damien Miz-Dow)- 3/10
The Usos look like huge dorks carrying those Slammy Awards to ringside with them.
Miz rolled Jey up and I think he pulled his tights, but I couldn’t tell because the picture on my screen went out while the count was being made, then came back on immediately afterward. Who knew that Bobby Heenan was telling the truth all of those times?

MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET FIGHT: Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt- 6.75/10
These guys hate each other so much that they just stood in the ring together doing nothing through an entire commercial break. This was their third No DQ’s match in eight days, and as a result I really didn’t care. At least with Cena and Rollins the matches were all different (and I must point out that the best one by far was the regular wrestling match from tonight’s show). Oh. And Ambrose lost a big match AGAIN.

Definitely the best Raw in a long time from an in-ring POV, but aside from the three big matches, everything else was dull and pointless, and very little of quality or consequence happened in terms of storylines aside from Ryback getting some revenge on Rusev.