BRM Reviews the 4/7/2023 Rampage

[Big Red Machine]

FTW RULES MATCH FOR THE FTW TITLE: Hook(c) vs. Ethan Page- 5/10
“FTW Rules” is their way of saying “no DQs, falls count anywhere.” Excalibur tried to pretend that this was momentous by saying that there hasn’t been an FTW Rules match since Taz vs. Sabu in 1999, which is only true if you’re dumb enough to think that the name is what is important rather than the rules. It’s liking trying to claim a “Philadelphia Street Fight” is somehow different from the “Boston Street Fight” even though the rules are the same. Also, why is this match under these rules when no other FTW Title match in the title’s AEW run has been?
The camera showed us Matt Hardy and Isiah Kassidy watching from backstage. On Wednesday, when interference was not legal, these two babyfaces interfered in a match to screw Ethan Page out of this title… but now that interference is legal, they’re not interfering? How does that make any f*cking sense?
They brawled into the crowd and stayed there for a while. When we got back to ringside, we got some suplexes and a table bump. They eventually made their way back into the ring, where Ethan embarrassed himself and the entire wrestling profession by throwing a missed chairshot that looked like he intentionally turned just to make sure he didn’t hit Hook. Hook soon took over and hit a Twist of Fate. Jim Ross, who must have called hundreds of Matt Hardy’s matches (and more of Lita, Shannon Moore, and others who used the move under that name), called it a “DDT.” This isn’t even a case of forgetting the branded version of the name, as the move is a variation of the cutter, not a DDT. Excalibur also miscalled it as a “Side Effect” right after, but he immediately realized his mistake, to the point where I’m sure it was just his brain and his mouth misconnecting, as at least the Side Effect is a signature Matt Hardy move. And Ross couldn’t even admit he screwed up, either. He said “it looked like a DDT tome, but I see your point.” How could you possibly think that was a DDT? Because he landed on his head? By that logic, any facebuster is a DDT, too.
Hook won with Redrum. He also did very little (if any) hitting of Page with weapons. Hmmm…
Then, after the match was over, FOR ABSOLUTELY NO F*CKING REASON, Hook grabbed Page and gave him an Exploder Suplex through a table. Between this and Wednesday, it feels to me like Page is now the babyface and Hook, Hardy, and Kassidy are the heels.

QTV- terrible
First, they admitted to credit card fraud. Then Q.T. revealed that he and Will Hobbs are getting a shot at the ROH World Tag Team Titles tonight against the Lucha Bros. What have they done to earn this? I assume that the idea is that Hobbs recently beat both Lucha Bros. in singles matches (which were unearned shots at Hobbs’ AEW TNT Title), but if that’s the case, give us a segment on TV where they come out and make that challenge, presenting that logic! I watch Dynamite every week, the majority of Rampage’s, and am planning to watch ROH every week as well, AND I TAKE NOTES AND POST REVIEWS ON THE INTERNET, and it took me two minutes to remember that Hobbs had beaten both Lucha Bros. recently.
Then the “jokes” started. The only one I came close to laughing at was “break a leg.” “Who am I? Dante Martin?” line, and that’s only because I’m a mean person who finds that funny. Among the dumber lines was Solow not knowing how to pronounce “Libre,” as in “Lucha Libre.” They also had Solow ask Q.T. if he had ever been in ROH, and Q.T. replied that he liked to “compartmentalize that era” of ROH. I think Q.T. and I have the same psychiatrist.

BATTLE OF THE BELTS COMMERCIAL- The line up is… two undercard loses getting title shots they did nothing to earn (Dralistico challenges Orange Cassidy, and Billie Starkz challenges Jade Cargill,) then a make-shift tag team getting a title shot that they as a team did nothing to earn (the aforementioned Q.T. & Hobbs vs. Lucha Bros. match). There is no way in hell I’m spending an hour watching this show. I have current ROH and current wXw to catch up on, plus some old CHIKARA to watch. All of those options seem a lot more appealing, because at least I believe that what I’m watching will matter.

THE INFANTRY, BOBBY ORLANDO, & LSG vs. THE ACCLAIMED & THE JERICHO APPRECIATION SOCIETY (Matt Menard & Angelo Parker) (w/Billy Gunn & Jake Hager)- squash
Continuing his streak of hyping up tonight’s matches with a blatant lie, Excalibur claimed that this match would be “very interesting.” So pathetic was this lie that Jim Ross started to openly mock it.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- The JAS attacked the Acclaimed after the match and laid them out.
Credit where it’s due: This framing certainly resulted in the JAS being able to catch the Acclaimed (and viewers, myself included) with their guard down. The problem is that this story has been so bad and the way they set it up on Wednesday made this story feel so long that my reaction to the heels sneak-attacking the babyfaces in a dastardly manner wasn’t “HOW DARE THEY! I hope the Acclaimed kick their asses!” It was “thank G-d I won’t have to see another dumb sketch with these two teams fake palling around.”

SHANE STRICKLAND MAKES AN ANNOUCEMENT- okay
He announces that his group has “merged” with someone else (with him getting 51%), but we’ll have to wait until later tonight to find out with who. I assume this is a ploy to get us to watch Battle of the Belts, but I won’t. I just won’t.
Coming back to this after it has happened, I have to ask why Swerve would give this away when he didn’t have to. Swerve said that he had merged. Past tense. Darby surely knew this wasn’t with him, so he just looks dumb for not seeing an attack coming, and Swerve looks dumb for allowing the potential for Darby to see an attack coming when Darby would have had little reason to suspect anything if Swerve had just kept his mouth shut here. Just because you get away with a mistake doesn’t mean you didn’t make one.

DARBY ALLIN vs. LEE MORIARTY (w/Big Bill)- 6.75/10
Apparently Darby got hit by a car while skateboarding yesterday, but he’s cleared to wrestle today.
Darby won cleanly. The match was very fun.
Sammy Guevara & Tay Melo were shown watching backstage. This is the first time we’ve seen Tay on TV in forever, with no explanation for her absence.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- loved it!
The segment itself was nothing special. As Darby got to the top of the ramp, Swerve Strickland came out and offered him a handshake. You could actually see Cage in the background, which gave away the surprise, but I had assumed that the merger was either with the Embassy or the Firm, and of the two, the Embassy is a much better choice. I say that mainly because Stokely is much better than Prince Nana, but being the brains behind a bunch of muscly meatheads seems to have been what Swerve was going for before the Embassy fits in better than a group with a meathead (Bill), a small guy (Moriarty), and the Gunns and Page, who are big dudes, but who seem to have brains of their own (not that Moriarty and Bill don’t have brains of their own, but they came across much more as flowers than leaders), but it also doesn’t hurt that this can catapult Swerve into the much needed spot of a top male heel in ROH who isn’t affiliated with the Blackpool Combat Club).

RJ CITY MODERATES A SIT-DOWN INVOLVING JADE CARGILL, TAYA VALKYRUE, & MARK STERLING- very bad
Taya was a reasonable adult dealing with a bunch of annoying cartoons… for about ten seconds, until she turned into one as well. At least they kept this short.

VIDEO PACKAGE FOR THE MAIN EVENT- terrible
Anna is a cartoon. Julia was two thirds House of Black empty platitudes, and one third dumb comedy. And it’s the same dumb comedy that Jake Hager is doing. “Don’t touch my hat.”

ANNA JAY vs. JULIA HART- 4.75/10
Julia has a new entrance song that she sings. Julia was a dumbass and turned her back on someone who as already attacked her from behind once, so of course she got jumped from behind to start this match off.
Ross said that both women were “planted, home-grown, nurtured, taken-care-of” AEW stars. Not only was this laying it on way too thick, but it also begs the question of why the Outcasts haven’t attacked either of them at any point.
There were too many points where this just plain didn’t look good. I also really hated the mist on the finish. Julia can’t just win cleanly? Also, Anna Jay is a heel who cheats and whose friends just sneak-attacked the Acclaimed from behind. Why am I supposed to feel sorry for her because Julia cheated?


This was another bad episode of Rampage, although we did at least get an important occurrence this week, with Shane Strickland taking over the Embassy.