BRM Reviews the 3/15/2012 Impact (terrible)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- James Storm’s promo was okay until the ending, which didn’t make any sense at all. The rest of this segment wasn’t very interesting at all, culminating in Bully Ray making a match (not sure where he got the authority to do that, but apparently everyone is playing along) for later tonight: Storm vs. Gunner

BACKSTAGE SEGMENT WITH MADISON RAYNE, GAIL KIM, & STING- not good, but at least it was short.

MADISON RAYNE vs. VELVET SKY- 2/10
Short and boring

MORGAN & CRIMSON BACKSTAGE- eh.

SAMOA JOE (w/Magnus) vs. Crimson (w/Matt Morgan)- 3.75/10.
Joe loses in less than five minutes

AUSTIN ARIES & ZEMA ION SEGMENT- Not a bad segment, but having your two top X-Division heels feud is just not a good idea. Why not just continue the feud with Shelley? Kash, Kendrick, & Sorensen all got a whole bunch of chances but Shelley (who is a lot more over than those three combined) only gets one?

EY & ODB DECIDE TO GET MARRIED IN THE RING ON IMPACT- oh crap

KURT ANGLE PROMO- good.

MICKIE JAMES vs. GAIL KIM- 3/5/10.
Well-worked, but just too damn short.

MR. ANDERSON, DANIELS, & KAZ BACKSTAGE- dull

MR. ANDERSON vs. CHRISTOPHER DANIELS (w/Kazarian)- 4.75/10
Too short

JEFF HARDY PROMO- eh

FIVE MINUTE CHALLENGE: Kurt Angle vs. Garrett Bischoff- DUD!
Kurt keeps pulling Garrett up… which makes no sense whatsoever based on Kurt’s promo! Kurt’s promo was about wanting to prove that he can beat Garrett easily. If he wanted to hurt Garrett, why wouldn't he ask for a NORMAL match, where he could keep beating on Garrett for a lot longer. After the match, Kurt goes after the ref for no reason, then puts Garrett in the Angle Lock until Jeff makes the save. This was horrid. It was intended to make Garrett look tough, but it utterly failed because Garrett never kicked out of anything. It was always Kurt pulling him up.

TNA MARCH MERCHANDISE SALE- bad commercial Don’t just say “WE HAVE A SALE!” tell us some details! What items are on sale? What are some of the deals you have? Etc.

GUNNER (Bully Ray) vs. JAMES STORM- 4.5/10.
Not even close to being acceptable for a main event. This match went just around five minutes… as a MAIN EVENT.

STING-BOBBY ROODE VIDEO PACKAGE- Roode was good. Sting was horrible. His statements felt random and didn’t make too much sense in context

STING & BOBBY ROODE CONTRACT SIGNING- What is the kayfabe purpose of doing this on the air? Anyway, this was a bad segment. The problem with it was that the heel is 100% agreeing with one of the major complaints about TNA that a whole lot of fans have. Then Sting beats Roode down, both making Bobby look bad and taking away all of his heat, giving me no reason to want to see their match on PPV this Sunday.

Overall, an atrocious episode of Impact. Absolutely horrible.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Taz and Tenay say that Kaz agreeing with Daniels now is like Stockholm Syndrome, proving that they have no idea what Stockholm Syndrome really is, or why it affects people the way it does.