We open with Jeremiah Crane and Ivelisse arguing in the bathroom. Apparently Crane just told Ivelisse that he is in love with Catrina and not her. Why did this happen off-camera? And speaking of off-camera, raise your hand if you forgot that Ivelisse was in this company. Yeah, me too.
Anyway, Ivelisse dumps him, which is exactly what you should do when your significant other tells you that they love someone else instead of you. Then Crane called her a bitch so she superkicked him through a stall door and he was knocked out. That part I didn't like, and for two reasons. The first is that while it did all feel natural, it also felt a little gratuitous. Like the writers wanted to give her a "win" here so they had Crane do something she would have to respond to and had her respond in a way that was designed to show us all how tough she was, even though the whole thing was unnecessary. The other reason I didn't like it was that if Crane can get knocked out by one kick into a door, how the hell am I supposed to believe that he has a snowball's chance in hell in his match with Mil Muertes and Cage?
BATTLE ROYALE FOR A "UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY" - DUD!
Pimpnella Escarlata is back. Who gives a sh*t? Not me. In fact, I don't give a sh*t about this entire match because I don't know what's on the line, but I do know that Dario is going to screw the winner for no reason whatsoever, so why should I invest myself in it at all?
Bunch of people were quickly eliminated. Then Pimpinella Escarlata went to go suck Paul London's dick. That's what happened. Paul thrusted his dick at Pimpy and Pimpy ran over to him and put his mouth on it.
Pimpy, who isn't even close to a regular in the company, eliminated the entire Rabbit Tribe as well as Mascarita Sagrada. Then he eliminated himself like a total moron (what kind of idiot would do a rope-walk in a battle royale?) in the process of eliminating Argenis as well. Way to get everyone over, LU bookers. Sagrada then came back in, only to get kicked in the nuts and then tossed right back out to the floor by P.J. Black. Mandel was then eliminated in another stupid spot, then The Mack eliminated P.J. to win the privilege of being metaphorically sodomized by Dario Cueto. Total match time was 3:32.
DARIO REVEALS HOW THE MACK WILL BE METAPHORICALLY SODOMIZED- he will be given a Trios Title match next week, but he'll have to team with Dante Fox and Killshot, who both hate each other and just had an absolutely hellacious match next week. Wow. That was much gentler than I was expecting.
IVELISSE vs. CATRINA (w/Mil Muertes) - 5.75/10
I think Luchadores in full suit and tie while still wearing their masks is the most awesome thing ever, but Mil Muertes should not be doing it. He's Mil Muertes! His name means "one-thousand deaths." That's not the name of guy who owns a suit, never mind wears one.
Ivelisse charged at Catrina and took her town, and at this point I remembered who Catrina is and realized that f*cking Maxine now had to wrestle. Then, much to my surprise, they exchanged some really hard chops on the floor and it was actually pretty intense. Then Catrina ran into Dario's office and locked the door. Ivelisse went to go through the other door to Dario's office (the backstage one), but that one was also locked. She finally went back around to the ringside door and kicked it in... and then ran straight into a glass bottle to the head from Catrina. There was no DQ for this. They've also been on the outside forever and the referee has not once attempted to count them out.
Then Catrina broke two more bottles over Ivelisse's head, busting her open. I would say that Ivelisse bled "a lot," but last week's match is still pretty fresh in my mind, so let's just say that Ivelisse bled a lot more than the usual. They had a short but pretty good fight up one flight of stairs and down another, with Ivelisse taking over and sending Catrina scurrying. Specifically, Catrina scurried for the corner of the ring where Mil Muertes left the box that holds her (or is it his?) special stone. Ivelisse cut her off before she could get to it so they did another spot or two and Catrina took over and got the stone this time but Ivelisse stopped her from using it yet again. Ivelisse eventually got the stone and hit Catrina with it, then hit her with one of those MsChif-style arm-scissors DDTs for the win. I was absolutely shocked that Jeremiah Crane didn't cost attack Ivelisse and cost her the match. That's how I would have booked this, and kept her "winless at Ultima Lucha streak going into next year, leading to her getting some big win (maybe the Gift of the Gods Title?) at Ultima Lucha IV. Anyway, this was BY FAR the best match Karlee Perez has ever had, and really is worth your time to watch. Ivelisse was an absolutely excellent babyface here.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT - Jeremiah Crane attacker her from behind and took out her knee with a hammer.
MASK VS. HAIR MATCH: Fenix(mask) vs. Marty "The Moth" Martinez(hair) (w/Mariposa) - 8/10
Mariposa kept interfering and the referee just kept letting it go. Dude! It's a Lucha de Apuesta! You can't let people get away with cheating! This is a career-altering match! Mariposa would later just walk out of the match after getting taken out but a dive from Fenix. Vampiro claimed that Marty had pulled her into harm's way, but it didn't look that way to me. Then again, it didn't look that way to Matt Striker, either, so maybe I am wrong.
Marty pretty much ripped Fenix's mask off in the middle of the match, anyway, so there goes that part of the stip. He also dropped Fenix into an exposed turnbuckle and Fenix bled like a stuck pig (it wasn't Marty's fault. I only wrote "dropped" because that was the most accurate description of what happened).
They did some great, dramatic wrestling for a while with several great nearfalls. Then Marty grabbed a pair of scissors from his lunchbox with which he proceeded to slice up Fenix's already-bleeding forehead. The referee just let him do this. Then he went to SLICE FENIX'S THROAT OPEN, but thankfully Melissa Santos ran up on the apron to plead for Fenix's life, telling Marty that the two of them could run away together as long as he just put down the scissors.
Marty did so, then went over to Melissa and pulled her into the ring. He went to kiss her but she slapped him and managed to escape his grip. Then she kicked Marty in the nuts. All of this happened right in front of the referee and there was no call for a DQ. If the match is going to be No DQs, JUST TELL ME IN ADVANCE. This all bought Fenix the time he needed to recover, hit some moves, and win. I'm not crazy about Fenix needing help to get the win, but I think it worked for this particular story. That being said, I don't think this feud can be over now because I don't see Marty as the type of guy who will let Melissa's promise to run away with him slide. He's just that crazy.
Then Matt Striker tried his best to kill this for me by screaming out overly-dramatic, overly-poetic bullsh*t.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT - Marty just walked away without getting his head shaved, going to Mariposa, who was calling to him from the top of the stairs. You'd think Dario would have something to say about Marty killing his stips, but apparently not. Then, in a Russo Swerve that I think everyone saw coming, Mariposa turned on Marty, hitting him in the head with a chair. But hey! At least we created a spot for Melissa Santos to shout "don't be a pussy!" at Marty, because getting the ring announcer over is more important than making things make sense. Mariposa handcuffed Marty to the railing so that he could be shaved bald. So did Dario really not have any way to force the loser to abide by the stipulations of this match?
So Marty gets shaved. I'm sure he'll be back, crazier and more twisted than ever, and be out for revenge on not just Melissa and Fenix but on Mariposa as well. If that was the whole purpose of this Russo Swerve, I think the same thing could have been accomplished simply with Mariposa walking out on Marty (Marty's crazy mind would certainly take that as a betrayal), and then could have actually had Mariposa's babyface turn be a gradual one with a more fleshed-out story attached to it in which we could actually learn something about her character. At this point all we know is that she is fiercest warrior of the Moth Tribe that she's Marty's sister. And this is a character that has been on the show for two years now. I'm not saying that hasn't been fine until now, but she needs to develop at some point, and telling a fleshed-out story of Marty turning on her would have been a great way to do.
A great show LU, despite the DUD at the beginning. Ultima Lucha continues to deliver, no matter how skeptical the booking going in has made me.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES
1. Matt Striker- "In the city squares of Mexico City, there are family and friends of Fenix watching."
How do you know that? He's enmascarado. If you don't know who he is then how do you know who his family is to be able to tell if they're watching or not?