BRM Reviews the 3/1/2012 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

PRE-TAPED COMMENTS FROM KURT ANGLE- Apparently it is only now, two weeks later, that someone thinks to ask Kurt why he screwed Jeff Hardy out of the TNA World Heavyweight Title. Kurt was WAY too over the top here for me. He felt like a D-movie villain.

KURT ANGLE PROMO- might have been good if they didn’t try for comedy. Kurt’s delivery just killed this. You don’t want your kid wearing Jeff’s t-shirt or playing with Jeff Hardy action figures? DON’T BUY THEM FOR HIM! And considering that your kid's other set of parents are the Jarretts , and how we saw Jeff forbidding him to play with his Kurt Angle action figure, I highly doubt that the Jarretts bought him any Jeff Hardy merch. Also, haven’t we kayfabe established that Jeff and Karen Jarrett have legal custody of Kurt’s son?
Anyway, we have Jeff vs. Kurt at Victory Road

BOBBY ROODE & AUSTIN ARIES- good

GAUNTLET MATCH: AJ Styles vs. Christopher Daniels vs. Kazarian- no rating. Interesting segment.

GAIL KIM & MADISON RAYNE BACKSTAGE- okay.

ODB (w/Eric Young) vs. MADISON RAYNE (w/Gail Kim)- 3/10, but it served its purpose.

BACKSTAGE KNOCKOUTS BRAWL- yet again. Why are Angelina & Sarita hanging out together all of a sudden?

ERIC, GARRETT, & RIC FLAIR- terrible. Yeah, I know it’s pro wrestling and characters are larger than life, but the ego on Flair’s character crosses that line for me. It is just too big. Even for wrestling. You expect him to demand to be carried around on a big lounge chair. Flair tells Garrett that he had better not show up next week or else. Flair already had someone give Garrett a piledriver onto the floor and he came back! What makes Flair think that Flair just telling him not to come back will stop Garrett from coming back? And Tenay selling it as if he wasn’t sure if Garrett would come back (especially after Garrett’s response to Flair) was just ridiculous.

SEGMENT WITH STING & THE HEELS- an okay segment… but it is halfway through the show and you don’t have a main event yet?

STUFF WITH JESSE SORENSEN & HIS MOM AND ZEMA ION PROMO- are they really turning this into an angle?

ZEMA ION vs. SHANNON MOORE- 4/10

VIDEO PACKAGE WITH FANS HYPING TNA- one of the fans actually said “there is just so much that these sports entertainers can do.” This video package was about how the fans love the wrestling in TNA, and how “wrestling matters” and how TNA supposedly has more wrestling than everyone else… and you have THIS comment in there? That is a ridiculous failure. Why would you put that in here?
In this video package, the same idiot would later go on to say “I’ve never seen a professional football player jump off of a twenty foot ladder. I’ve never seen a professional athlete take five chairshots to the head, and that stuff is real and it’s real to me because I buy into the whole wrestling persona because I’m a fan and I care.”
Let’s deconstruct this statement here:
“I’ve never seen a professional football player jump off of a twenty foot ladder. “ So? I’ve never seen a professional wrestler score a touchdown in an NFL game. BECAUSE THAT’S NOT THEIR JOB!
“I’ve never seen a professional athlete take five chairshots to the head”- professional wrestlers aren’t professional athletes?
And now for the worst part:
“and that stuff is real and it’s real to me because I buy into the whole wrestling persona because I’m a fan and I care.”
This is exactly the kind of moron that people who look down on wrestling fans think that we all are. This is NOT the type of person that TNA should want to be displaying as an example of one of their fans. When wrestling companies put people like this out there, it is bad for wrestling and for its fans because it lets others justify their criticisms of wrestling. It makes people think that all of us are marks in the very worst sense of the word.
Furthermore, let’s look at this last part: “it’s real to me because I buy into the whole wrestling persona.” What “wrestling persona?” Wrestling does not have a persona because it is not a person. It is not a character. This statement is entirely meaningless, and putting it on the air makes TNA look stupid. This is a pre-taped video package! There is no excuse for this statement making it to air.
Freshmen year of college, some of the guys in my dorm and I were asked by a reporter for the school newspaper to comment on the construction going on near our dorm and how it affected us. One of the guys decided that he would test the newspaper by saying something that sounded fancy and relevant but really didn’t mean anything, just to see if the paper would print it. They didn’t. TNA has shown that they put less effort into making sure that they sound intelligent than a COLLEGE NEWSPAPER (not that there is anything wrong with the Diamondback, but TNA is a multimillion dollar company trying to draw in new fans. Sounding intelligent should be a priority).


ANGELINA LOVE & SARITA vs. MICKIE JAMES & VELVET SKY- 4.5/10

Taz really pissed me off tonight with his ridiculously sexist commentary during the Knockouts’ segments. He even randomly brought it up in the main event (which Tenay yelled at him for). Dixie Carter, if you actually have any respect for your performers, you should do something about this.

MAGNUS PROMO- good

ABYSS STUFF- bad.
1. We KNOW Abyss’ family! We have seen his mother before (she let him go to jail for her, but then helped James Mitchell, Abyss’ father, blackmail him over that issue to let Mitchell control Abyss). His half-brother is Judas Messias. Based on their relationship with him, I doubt they give a damn where he is.
2. One of their employees has been missing FOR ALMOST TWO MONTHS and TNA hasn’t filed a missing persons report?
3. Why is Abyss allowed to just not show up to work for two months?

AUSTIN ARIES, BOBBY ROODE, & BULLY RAY vs. JAMES STORM, SAMOA JOE, & MAGNUS- 6.75/10.
Doesn’t meet my usual minimum standard for main events, but this week’s show, despite not being particularly good, was enjoyable, and because it featured three guys who are main event quality talent but haven’t been in the main event in WAY too long, I’ll give it a pass.

Stupid Announcer Quotes:
1. In the middle of the Knockouts’ tag team match, Taz and Tenay thought was more important to talk about celebrity gossip, ending with Tenay talking about Lindsay Lohan hosting SNL… which airs on NBC. Spike TV is owned by Viacom. I hope TNA gets in trouble for this.

2. Tenay keeps insisting that Aries “is in the main event because of Sting.” But Sting wouldn’t have put him in the main event if he himself hadn’t taken the initiative to complain.

3. When asked by Tenay if he thought Garrett Bischoff would show up next week, Taz rambles on about how having the name “Bischoff” tattooed across his chest will get Garrett heat with people who don’t like his father. DO YOU EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN ANGLES? Garrett has been FEUDING WITH HIS FATHER FOR ALMOST FIVE MONTHS NOW!