BRM Reviews the 2/28/2013 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

We start off the show with Brooke and Bully informing us via pre-taped segment that Hogan won’t be here tonight because he is injured from last week’s attack. We then find out that Taz isn’t at commentary to start off the show (HOORAY!) because he is scared of Bully. I know I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth but I really just can’t stop myself. Why is Taz so scared of Bully now? You would think that if Bully wanted to beat Taz up he would have tried to attack him at some point in the past month since Taz stabbed Bully in the back and ruined his wedding. And even if Bully does attack Taz, wouldn’t that just cede control of TNA to Taz or let Taz sue the pants off of the company or whatever it was that he said on the 1/24/2013 Impact? And would that be exactly what Aces & Eights want?

OPENING SEGMENT- Bully Ray cuts a promo talking about how pissed off he is at Aces & Eights. Yes, that’s right. We didn’t get an “I’m so pissed off I want to kill those MFers promo the week after Aces & Eights ruined his wedding…. We get it now, a month later. And what has changed since then? Well, of the things Bully mentioned, the only thing that Aces & Eights has done between the wedding and now is… stop Hulk Hogan from a wrestling a match. Do you want to know why people don’t believe TNA whenever they say they are turning over a new leaf and that they are going to focus on new/young/homegrown talent? It’s sh*t like this. Everything that has gone on in this angle has been about Hulk Hogan. They jumped Hulk’s friend Sting. They threatened Hulk’s daughter... same goes for the Bully Ray-Brooke stuff. The whole thing was about whether or not Hogan would accept their love. It was about whether or not Hogan would show up to the wedding. Bully is now ultra angry because they stopped Hogan from wrestling a match. Hell, the little blurb about the show on my TV guide doesn’t say “come watch Impact Wrestling, featuring stars such as Jeff Hardy, AJ Styles, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode, and RVD.” It simply says “General Manager Hulk Hogan runs Total Nonstop Action Wrestling.”

Anyway, Bully says wants to kick Devon’s ass so badly that he might as well get a tattoo of Bully’s boot-print on his butt, etc. etc… but rather than round up a posse of guys to go to their clubhouse in the Impact Zone and beat them up (which shouldn’t be too hard, seeing how many people they have attacked), Bully instead calls out the he will challenge for the TNA World Heavyweight Title at the next PPV, Jeff Hardy. I guess he’s not that pissed off after all.
Bully says that he hasn’t earned this title shot, but Jeff tells him not to sweat it. Then Daniels comes out and says that Bully doesn’t deserve this title shot… and claims that the only reason he lost to Jeff last month was that Jeff had an unfair advantage because Daniels was allergic to his tattoos! GENIUS! You’ve seen a wrestling show before. You know how this goes. They brawl, the heels bail, and one of the babyfaces (in this case; Bully) challenges the heels to a tag match tonight. So after telling us how pissed he was at Aces & Eights as a whole and at Devon in particular… Bully comes out of this segment making a challenge to two guys who have nothing to do with the Aces & Eights whatsoever.

STING & MAGNUS BACKSTAGE- good. Magnus tries to convince Sting to put him on Team TNA for Lethal Lockdown.

TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Velvet Sky(c) vs. Tara (w/Jessie Godderz)- DUD!
Gail Kim is doing guest commentary for this match and Tenay informs us that Gail will face the winner of this match at Lockdown. I guess this is more of a personal taste thing, but I hate the fact that they just announced this and that was it. Gail pinned the champion last week during the elimination match, therefore giving her an argument to claim a title shot (not a particularly good one because she herself was pinned by Velvet, but a good enough argument for a heel to make, then have the babyface come out and be a fighting champion and accept the challenge), but not mentioning this makes it seem like they are just giving the title shot out like Halloween candy (which is the way all of the belts aside from the World Title have been treated for the past twelve or eighteen months), which isn’t a good thing.
Apparently Velvet has stolen Jimmy Jacobs’ fuzzy leg-warmers.
As for the match itself, it goes two minutes and Velvet once again needs a heel to be distracted by arguing with Taryn so she can hit her with her finish to get the win.

ARIES BACKSTAGE WITH CHAVO & HERNANDEZ- apparently Chavo has booking power now and has booked Aries into a match with Hernandez. Now, to simply things by removing the names… Wrestler A has just told Wrestler B he can have a match with him, then, when Wrestler B accepts, Wrestler A tells him that he will instead be facing his very large friend. Does this whole scenario seem vaguely familiar to you? It should, because that is Heel Tactics for Stables and Tag Teams 101! And Chavo, THE BABYFACE, is the one pulling this sh*t!

KENNY KING & RVD BACKSTAGE- sets up a Last Chance match for later tonight. Because you would rather do this tonight with no build at all then do it in two weeks on PPV at Lockdown.

Tenay informs us that, at Lockdown, Aries & Roode will put the TNA World Tag Team Titles on the line against Chavo & Hernandez… and KAZ AND DANIELS! Yes, the two guys who have spent most of the past three months being jobbed out are being given a tag team title shot with no build at all and for no reason at all. Stuff like this is the reason why I have no faith that the new PPV model will work. It doesn’t matter if you are doing four, six, twelve, or even twenty PPVs: if you can’t build to them well, you aren’t going to get a lot of buys!

AUSTIN ARIES vs. HERNANDEZ (w/Chavo Guerrero Jr.)- 4.75/10

STING & MATT MORGAN BACKSTAGE- Sting tries to recruit Morgan to Team TNA but Morgan refuses. I assume this is because he needs more time to grow out his ugly new Daniel Bryan-esque beard.

TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH IN WHICH IF KENNY KING LOSES, HE IS OUT OF THE X-DIVISION: Rob Van Dam(c) vs. Kenny King- 6/10
I am super-excited that Kenny won, and seeing RVD pull out a 450 reminds us that he still has some tricks up his sleeve… but I really do not understand why they did this here. Why not do it at the PPV (unless, of course, they are freeing RVD up so he can be on Team TNA in Lethal Lockdown, which wouldn’t fit in well with the storyline at all).

KURT & STING BACKSTAGE- Kurt asks to see Sting’s list of wrestlers that he is going to pick for Team TNA in Lethal Lockdown, then expresses his surprise at one of the names. Sting says that it is a risk, but he thinks he is worth it… but, of course, they never mention the name, so we don’t know who it is. THIS is how you create some suspense, TNA. Not embarrassingly obvious mystery partners or announcements.

LETHAL LOCKDOWN BUILD SEGMENT- Devon cuts a dull promo introducing the Aces & Eights team for Lethal Lockdown. Unsurprisingly, it is the five members of the club who have names and are not already in another match. Sting then introduces Team TNA: himself, Samoa Joe, Magnus, James Storm (you know, the guy who hasn’t interacted with Aces & Eights for six months)… and comedy jobber Eric Young. That’s right. For this all-important match against the Aces & Eights, Sting has picked a comedy guy whose gimmick is that he is insane and normally cannot remember what type of match it is.

GUT CHECK MATCH: Ivelisse Velez vs. Lei’D Tapa- 4.5/10
Lei’D Tapa is the Barbarian’s niece.
Good video packages for both women, although Tapa really seemed to ramble a bit. If this is how she comes across on a pre-tape, I’m not confident in her ability to cut a live promo. Either way, this was very good for the time it was given. I’d say sing both of them.

AUSTIN ARIES & JEFF HARDY BACKSTAGE- okay.

AJ STYLES SEGMENT- can we PLEASE try to keep kayfabe JUST A LITTLE BIT and have AJ’s wife’s last name be Styles, rather than AJ’s shoot last name? And while we’re at it, can we avoid showing AJ’s shoot name please? Is that too much to as- HOLY SH*T!
AJ grew a beard, dyed his hair black, and bought a leather jacket and a motor cycle! This was well done… except that the visual of AJ at the end if just so damn silly-looking.

ROBBIES SEGMENT- F*CKING FANTASTIC!

AUSTIN ARIES & BULLY RAY BACKSTAGE- eh

BULLY RAY VS. JEFF HARDY VIDEO PACKAGE- I get that Jeff is trying to hype the match up, for him to say “this might be the best cage match pro wrestling has ever witnessed” is just too much. This match has almost no damn build to it, Jeff. I highly doubt it will be better than some of wrestling’s most famous cage matches.

JEFF HARDY & BULLY RAY vs. BAD INFLUENCE- 5/10
So Hardy and Bully, who have a world title match against each other with no heat so far at all, work together seamlessly to defeat the regular tag team who is much in need of a win because they are challenging for the tag titles in two weeks. Does this seem ass-backwards to anyone else.

KURT ANGLE ATTACKS ACES & EIGHTS- Kurt unmasks someone, and it is this big holy sh*t moment for Kurt who says “how could you?!”… and the cameraman doesn’t even try to show us who the guy is! WTF?! Then the rest of Aces & Eights come in and beat Kurt up.

Yet another bad episode of Impact. The build to Lockdown should be MUCH farther along than it is right now. The Aces & Eights vs. TNA match is the only match with any real heat right now… and there is only one more episode of Impact left!

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. For no reason at all, Taz decides to tell us that Germany is in the same region of the world as Australia.

[cero2k]

GUT CHECK MATCH: Ivelisse Velez vs. Lei’D Tapa- 4.5/10
Lei’D Tapa is the Barbarian’s niece.
Good video packages for both women, although Tapa really seemed to ramble a bit. If this is how she comes across on a pre-tape, I’m not confident in her ability to cut a live promo. Either way, this was very good for the time it was given. I’d say sing both of them.

Ivelisse for the win! stupid WWE for releasing her