The Ongoing CHIKARA Blogs Thread

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by Archibald Peck:
3/7/2013: What ever happened to the good ol' days? Y'know – the days when a jilted would-be lover could spitefully douse the duplicitous shrew who broke his heart with a pail full of fetid sludge and that be it. Why can the muck-encrusted no longer simply shamble away, never to be heard from again?

Maybe I'm just being sentimental. I've been to "the good ol' days," after all. Back in 1885, my good pal Clint Eastwood washed his hands of “Mad Dog” Tannen by socking him into a cart of manure. Is it so much for me to want Veronica to go the way of “Mad Dog”?

See, I’m a man who’s living on borrowed time and I know that. Next time I get Backfisted To The Future, I’ll be zapped back into the past (2 June 2012, to be precise,) where my current form, will be reconciled with that...Doppelgänger...who’s been seen wandering the globe. So, the fact is, I haven’t the inclination to waste any more of my time dealing with Veronica. Unfortunately, however, I don’t like loose ends (nor do I like Veronica’s split ends, but I digress.)

As a result of Veronica’s meddling, I’ve got a loose end concerning one Tim Donst that needs to be, well… tightened. I could write that he punted me in the groin in lieu of defeat during our last encounter but that would be crude. Instead, I’ll leave it to my world-renowned personal physician, Dr. Charles McNider, to explain in painstaking detail the extent of the damage inflicted upon me by one Tim Donst:

GroinAnalysis-C.McNider

[Due to its graphic nature, we have elected to redact this portion of Dr. Peck’s blog. We apologize for any discomfort this may have caused. But, trust us – leaving it would have caused much more discomfort.]

So, you see – in light of all that (particularly the third paragraph on page six,) how could I not ask for a rematch? Which I did. And my wish was granted.

I’m a man living on borrowed time and I know that so I want to enjoy this Florida vacation. Scott Parker, Bryce Remsburg and I have a “Best Beach Bodies” photo shoot planned with the Nitro Girls for an upcoming issue of WCW Magazine but we won’t be soaking up the rays we need if there’s a dark cloud looming over “The Sunshine State.” That’s why, on 9 March, at "Watchmaker" in Orlando, when I tie up this loose end with one Tim Donst, I ask for two things: A fair fight and clear skies with no chance of Veronica.


AP

[cero2k]

I'm calling it now, there will eventually be a match Title vs Career between Kingston and Peck.

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by AssailANT:
3/12/2013: Angelosetti has the Ball! He’s on the 50...the 40...the 30, my God, this is impressive...the 20, here come assailANT! The 10...WOW, what a HIT!! assailANT made Angelosetti Fumble! He has the Ball!!! He’s jukin' and jivin' TO...THE...ENDZONE! TOUCHDOWWWWNNNNNN, ASSAIIIIILLLLLANNNTTTT!!!!

Hey Angelosetti, What do you think of my play by play? I think I would’ve made an awesome Sports Commentator! That being said, Touchdown, you were by far the toughest person I ever stepped in a ring with! Now I understand why your opponents have a very hard time trying to take you down. I mean, I hit you with everything I had and you still didn’t want to go down! So that’s why I prepared something for just for you in case I couldn’t get the assailANT’s Cross or the CHIKARA Special: Blue on you!

CHIKARA Special: Blue

What knocked you out cold in the warm, sunny city of Orlando was called The Rolling GTS (Get the Sugar)! A new move that I wanted to keep a secret until just the right time and it worked! I worked hard on that move. I worked it to perfection. And now I have a victory over the Young Lions Cup champion...you, Angelosetti. I want to make this known...

I want us to square off one more time but I want it to be for the Cup! Before Orlando, I still had a few doubts on whether or not I was going to be able to beat you, but after the our match, I NOW know that I can BEAT you! I saw you laid out, motionless. I have just the right thing to knock you out, and pin your shoulders to the mat, and the WHOLE WORLD knows it now!!!

Get ready...the Big Blue Bruiser is coming for you and your Trophy... NERD!!
assailANT

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by Mr. Touchdown:
3/14/2013: As of late, things may seem a little off when it comes to The Throwbacks. Dasher and I may not look like we're on the same page, but I can assure you that perception is not the reality here.

I may have made some mistakes when Dasher brought me to CHIKARA. Dating that pig-skinned, cheating, majorette nerd is one of them. Not being there when Dasher was attacked by The Batiri in February is the other. There is nothing I want more than success for both myself and Dasher when it comes to our in-ring competition.

Dasher, down in Tampa I didn't get the normal pre-match pep talk from you like always. It was different; like you didn't have faith in us as a team. It affected me big time. Yuckub (or however that's spelled) nearly won my prestigious Young Lions Cup. Worse, I had to tap out in Orlando to that ubernerd assailANT! I beat ants all the time. Green ones. Red ones. Soldier ones. And then this just happens out of nowhere! I need you back as my coach, bro.

I'm promising you Hatfield, I will never take our team for granted anymore. From now on, nothing is going to get in the way of us as a team. I'm ready to step up to the plate and win the big one this year, Hatfield. We can do this together as a team. 100% no questions asked do I have your back. WrestleCon weekend is ahead and we got some nerds to fry.

We're family, Hatfield. We're step-cousins-in-law. That's always been what's important to me and always will be. Now let's jump over this hurdle and focus on getting those three points. I've got that beautiful Cup. I've got that ever-ripe banana. How about we add two golden belts to my mantle too?

Now that would be GOOD!
MR.TD

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by Wink Vavasseur:
3/14/2013: CHIKARAphiles,

I didn’t see the acclaimed animated Disney feature “The Lion King” until I was 29 years of age. While at first, you might think missing out on seeing one of my generation’s cinematic touchstones at “the right time” would leave me lacking certain developmental building blocks, the truth is that, had I seen that film fifteen, ten, or even five years prior, I would never have been able to truly appreciate and fully process the movie’s themes of following in your father’s footsteps and the inherent fears that come with trying to live up to his name while simultaneously living in his formidable shadow. As a younger man, those motifs would have been lost on me, and I feel like 29 was the ideal age for me to learn those lessons.

Arbitrary age cut-offs always seemed wrong to me. Life isn’t divisible by five. Youth is about learning lessons that shape who we will become. Is there an age restriction on learning lessons? How old is too old to become who you will become? Blue Ant, I have two words for you: Hakuna matata. It is a Swahili phrase that means “no worries.”

You will not have to worry yourself with the tedious preparation for a shot at the Young Lions Cup. Because the age restriction for the Cup that I put in place is anything but arbitrary. You are 28 years old. To compete for the Young Lions Cup, you must be 25 years old or younger. I realize you've been very busy coming up with cute nicknames for your wrestling moves. Can't be bothered to check on something as simple as the age restriction for the YLC. Don't worry, ol' Wink is still minding the store. Hakuna matata.

The Colony: Xtreme Force

Speaking of Ants...HOLY MOLEY! Did you guys catch The Colony: Xtreme Force this past weekend in Florida?? Ol’ Wink’s hand-picked team of Missile Assault Ant, Arctic Rescue Ant, and Orbit Adventure Ant blew away the competition in both matches, putting themselves squarely on the map with their flawless performances! If I were the kind of guy who did such things, I’d be patting myself on the back right now, gloating about the glowing, faultless success that was my most recent brainchild...but, of course, I’m not that kind of guy!

Incidentally, the one Ant whose flaws cost them the match in Orlando was Soldier Ant, creating an ugly blemish on the otherwise pristine record of The Colony: Xtreme Force. Thankfully, through the use of my proprietary CHIKARAbermetrics program, the statistics of the respective Ants will accurately represent the true details of the match. On an unrelated note, I would like to see the following Ants in my office on Monday, March 18th, at 9:00 AM: Fire Ant, Green Ant, and Soldier Ant. While you’re at it, gentle-ants, please bring along your 2011 King of Trios medallions.

Title Match

Now, before I can get back to approving this t-shirt design for The Colony: Xtreme Force, one last subject needs to be addressed: Edward Kingston, current CHIKARA Grand Championship title holder.

To pre-emptively silence the inevitable chorus of “Wink doesn’t know what he’s doing, he’s overstepping his bounds!”, allow me to point out exactly what the expanse of my executive powers include, with direct source citation. The CHIKARA Charter Bylaws, Section VII, Article ii, as they relate to the powers of a sitting Director of Fun, clearly state it is fully within my authority, if I so choose, to fire Eddie Kingston for not making his title defense as advertised in Orlando and declare the Grand Championship vacant. Your fate within this company is completely at my discretion, Kingston, at my whim. But fret not, Edward, I consider myself a benevolent Director! Rather than terminate you, I’ve decided to give you a reprieve. Instead of forcing you to vacate the title, an option fully within my scope of power, I will be lining up all the top contenders for the Grand Championship, and I will be starting with...Hallowicked! The winner of that title match will then go on to face Green Ant in a rescheduling of the missed Grand Championship bout from Orlando. There are scores of worthy challengers, and I think many of them are growing impatient waiting for a championship opportunity. In fact, now that I’m thinking of it, the CHIKARA Grand Championship will be defended on every single CHIKARA card from now on! I am certain that Hallowicked will not only be a fine champion, but be assured he will also be a fighting champion, unlike a certain current Grand Champion who shall remain nameless.

And before any further comments are made about my decision, let me direct you, Mr. Kingston, all of CHIKARA, and the entire CHIKARA fanbase back to my previous statement: Any action seen as disparaging toward my Directorship or the Vavasseur family name will not be tolerated. This new CHIKARA Grand Championship mandate, like all my mandates, must be followed to the letter – or else.

Your Director,
WiNK

[cero2k]

Blog By AssailANT
3/18/2013:
To The Director of Fun,
If I never expressed my gratitude before, then please let me express it now.

While others bash the job you are doing right now, I want to thank you! Thank you for placing me in The New & Improved Colony! You have the hardest job of them all, and you get no gratitude. Thank you, Mr. Vavasseur.

Angelosetti knows I have him on the ropes, and will do anything to avoid facing me again! That’s OK though. Like you said before Mr. Vavasseur: Hakuna matata! I have no worries.

If I can't take the Cup from him, then I'll just take something else near and dear to his heart.

It isn't his shiny silver Cup...

It isn’t gold...

It’s YELLOW...AND FULL of Potassium!!

And I don't have to wait long. I can take it from him this Saturday in Allentown!

The Big Blue Bruiser,
assailANT

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by Scott "Jagged" Parker:
3/27/2013: I woke up this morning in an absolutely fantastic mood. It was something like a dream so I feel a little compelled to tell all of you the story. So, tighten up your chin straps 'cause I’m about to take you on a journey.

The sun was shining. The indigenous birds were chirping away and singing their songs of love...or hunger. I haven’t been able to define which is which yet. It was probably hunger. A light breeze coming through the open widow delivered the most beautiful assortment of aromas imaginable. It was as if the smells of the ocean, the flowers, suntan lotion, sweet desserts and succulent meals all curled up together in harmony like a great symphony orchestra would, to deliver a direct blow to your nasal cavity. I rolled over in bed to gaze upon the beauty that lay beside me. She looked as if she had seen many long nights before. The scars of war that marked her body were subtle, yet visible. Despite the signs of wear and tear she was still breathtakingly beautiful. The sun reflected off of her form. Almost as if she was shining. She smelled of sweat and baby oil. As I looked down at her I realized that I had never seen her more comfortable than she looked right then and there. She was home. I was overcome by emotion so I scooped her up in my arms stepped out onto my balcony, held that beauty over my head and screamed at the top of my lungs “WELCOME BACK TO THE PROMISED LAND!!!!!! BOOYA!!!!!”

That’s when I really woke up to my phone ringing.

WrestleCon is fast approaching. I’m getting pretty amped up about it. And, I mean why wouldn’t I? We haven’t seen a celebration of professional wrestling like this since...well, since National Pro Wrestling Day which is now available over at SmartMarkVideo.com!!!

Sorry, I was consumed by the need to cheaply plug something. I’m sorry, guys. It won’t happen again...I promise...as long as you pick up our NEW "Back to the Promised Land" T-shirt for sale by emailing 3.0wrestling@gmail.com

I grabbed my phone, the screen read “The Model Calling” I picked up and on the other end of the line was my good friend, Rick Martel. He wanted to congratulate us on the big title win and tell me how proud he was. It was quite touching. I thanked him for the advice he bestowed on us, letting him know that we couldn’t have pulled it off without the tidbits of wisdom that he shared with us. We got to talking and I let him know that Wink Vavasseur had informed us that at WrestleCon Shane and I would, once again, find ourselves across the ring from F.I.S.T. in an 8-man tag match. This obviously led me to assume that the super trio of BooyAkuma! would be back in action...but without our buddy El Generico around to answer the call, I got to thinking about a fourth man...

I explained my worries to Martel. I explained to him that we’ve faced F.I.S.T. on many different occasions. I explained that I feel like I know everything there is to know about F.I.S.T. I know that any combination of them makes for a dangerous team. I know that every time we step in the ring with them it can go either way. I know that Johnny Gargano and Chuck Taylor beat us for the Campeonatos last time around. I know that Sugar and Icarus are somehow managing to co-exist and gain success with Icarus taking tag team strategies from a man he idolizes in Marty Janetty. I know, from experience, that F.I.S.T. truly is CHIKARA’s deadliest group.

Rick was silent for a while. I could tell he was thinking about something. He asked me, “What was the last thing you said?”

“F.I.S.T. truly is CHIKARA’s deadliest group.”

“No, no, no! Before that!”

I wasn’t quite sure what he meant. “What? About Icarus idolizing Marty Jannetty?”

”Yes!!! Exactly! I’ll call you back. Booya!” Then he hung up on me.

I’ll admit, at first I was a little offput my the fact that Martel not only stole my catchphrase but he also hung up on me.

A few minutes later my phone rang. The call display read “Unknown”. I answered.

”Jag-Man, It’s Marty. The Model told me you're looking for a partner...”

Hey Icarus, I guess you’ll have your chance to impress your idol on April 6th.

Booya!
SJP

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by: Tim Donst
4/2/2013: I hate you, Peck. For the longest time all I wanted to do was contribute to the growth of the pro-wrestling world. I wanted to be its savior, its hero but now because of guys like you I'm forced to be a martyr.

You treat wrestling like a joke. While my life may be a giant one, my career is not. The backfists, the hair, the setbacks aren;t funny, Peck. 'Cause wrestling isn't fun. Wrestling isn't cool. Wrestling is a pompous political game that only the greatest players master. Congrats, guess that makes you a genius then Peck.

Well tell me Brainiac, why is it than that my two wins feel like losses to you than? Tell me how bad did it feel when I fouled you? How about when a TURTLE beat you up? I wanted to be Grand Champion. I wanted to be the heart of this company. But if Wrestling doesn't want me to be its face, than I will be its ugly shadow.

Welcome to Neverland,
TD

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by: Amasis
4/3/2013: The glory days of The Osirian Portal feel like a passing dream. The days when you and I were rockin' in the clubs of Germany, eating strange sea creatures in the restaurants of Japan, and sitting at the top of the CHIKARA pyramid as the Campeones de Parejas are all but a haze in my mind now. It's all because of what you did to me, Ophidian. We were brothers. Blood! We were in this together 'til the end. Not a single soul knows me better than you do. I never thought things would turn out this way. Under the direction of the deity Osiris, you single-handedly did this to us. You brought everything to an end.

In the eyes of his people, a Pharaoh is a God amongst men. A mighty warrior and ruler is given his chance to walk with the deities in the afterlife, if he has fulfilled his duties while alive. The accident that sent me into retirement was unfortunate, but I accepted my fate. I accepted that the deities decided I no longer needed to prove myself in battle. It was time for me to pass the proverbial funk to you. I would have watched you succeed from the throne of the deities in the afterlife.

Instead of an ending befitting of the Pharaoh of Funk, I was massacred in front of thousands at "High Noon." Because a deity ordered me dead, I wasn't allowed passage to the afterlife. The deities wouldn't accept me as one of their own. Shunned by the gods, my soulless corpse wandered the Sand Seas of Egypt without a purpose. I marched with undead warriors for what felt like an eternity. Until one day, a sand storm swept across the sea. Whisked away by the ferocious wind, I spun in directions I didn't know possible. It took me to a place I thought I'd never see...

The Throne of the Deities was magnificent. I could spend a millennia talking about its beauty...I digress. I stood before the deities as if I was one of them; Anubis, Wadjet, Horus, Tefnut, and Sekhmet all towered over me. They brought me before them to give me a new purpose. Because of the manner in which I was eliminated, they couldn't give me a seat in their chambers. Despite how much I wanted this, what they could do for me was even better. They offered me a chance at redemption. A chance to get my hands on the devious and destructive serpent that did this to me.

Sekhmet, the goddess of healing and war, made me a Madjai. She told me I was to be "The Madjai of the Deities." She healed my body, cleansed my mind, and trained me in forgotten forms of Egyptian combat. Upon completion, I was released back into the world. There was only one catch... I had to wait for your transformation to be complete. Until you released my soul, I had to wait in the shadows. I had an army waiting on the sidelines. They kept me alive and made sure you didn't forget about me, Ophidian.

War has been declared by the Deities. As we speak, Sekhmet and Wadjet move their armies into Duat to battle Osiris. I've been given the task to eliminate the most powerful warrior Osiris has ever created...You. Ophidian, you claim to no longer be Egyptian. You claim to no longer march under Osiris. That matters not to me, nor anyone else in this world. We all know where you came from and what you did to get there. It's time for "The Madjai of the Deities" and The Pharaoh's Army to exact revenge on you! Then, and only then, may I search for a way to claim my rightful spot amongst the deities.


AMASIS

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by: The Shard

4/4/2013: On April 6th in Secaucus, Jigsaw and I will end this little game you are playing, Mike Quackenbush. It dosen't matter what tag team partner you bring. You have already tried bringing some of the best CHIKARA has to offer, recruiting members of The Colony and The Spectral Envoy - teams that have won King of Trios and stand among the very best professional wrestling has to offer. And you know what? We beat them the same as we beat you.

With every single match, Jigsaw and I, the dream team of 2013, get stronger, get faster, get better. So if you're thinking of rummaging around in your past to dig up some old has-been to team with you, don't even bother trying to shake off the ring rust. You might as well just forfeit the match.

It hasn't even been 3 weeks since your latest surgery. Something tells me you aren't going to be very "Lightning" come this Saturday. You ended the career of 17 by dragging him up off the mat and using all your Quackendrivers one after the other. How are you going to use those moves with your back torn to shreds?

If you think the pain you faced on that surgeon's table was bad, just wait until Jigsaw and I have you in our crosshairs. When I think back to that day in Indianapolis...it would be fitting if I was the one to now end your career, Mike. And you've sure painted a big, giant bullseye on your back for us to hit. And kick. And stomp. And rip.

And when wrestling's dream team is all done with you, then you can have some Japanese broad or British senior citizen sweep you up and toss you out with the rest of the trash. Well, whatever is left of you.


THE SHARD

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by: Ophidian
4/9/2013: “You should have died when I killed you.”

A coward such as Amasis will die many deaths before he meets his actual end. A warrior of my calibur faces death only once in his life. Your biggest mistake was not staying dead.

“Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.”

You and I have traveled to a time where death is feared. Why fear death? There is no outrunning it, no outliving it. Embrace it. Don’t fear the reaper. Fear me. Fear the cause of death. Your suffering will be legendary, even in Duat!

"Just come here and die, child, while you still have the option of doing it quickly. "

You wear your heart on your sleeve, Amasis. I can see the vengeance that consumes you. I can feel the hate pumping through your fists. You want to destroy me. You want blood for blood. That made getting you out in the open at "The Shoulder of Pallas" easy. Your death would have been painless. Under Hypnosis, you wouldn’t have even known your demise was swiftly approaching. Yet, you thought it better to deceive me and take away something that is so precious to me...now my throat is damaged beyond repair. The venom I spew to poison my enemies has now poisoned me. You will suffer for this transgression.

You say I’ve forgotten my roots. It's time to show you how wrong you are. Do you remember the process of mummification, Amasis? I do very well. Let me remind you what that is:

1. Announcement of the Dead - Let the world know about your death.

2. Embalming the body - It's to prepare you for the next part.

3. Removal of Organs - The brain is removed with a hook through the nose, then a large incision is made by your ribs. Through that, the internal organs are removed.

4. Drying out of the body for 40 days - We don’t want your smell to attract vermin, do we?

5. Wrap the body in cloth and linens - After the body is mutilated, it's not a pleasant sight.

6. Lay the Sarcophagus to rest - Display the body for all my enemies to see until the end of time.

Now, imagine if it was me in charge of mummifying you, Amasis? Imagine if you were still alive through the whole process. Can you feel the fish hook forcing its way through your nose? How about suffocating on your brain as it blocks your nasal cavities? How long would your screams last as I inched your intestines out of your body? I can only assume you’d pass out halfway through. I’d leave you alive just long enough for you to see me close the Sarcophagus lid on you. Then you’d just fade into the darkness. The 70 days it takes to complete the process would feel like an eternity. You brought it to this point Amasis. The only way to end this now is to bury you. I will end this Amasis. I need only time to heal and prepare so that I am equal to the task.

“The art of war is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.”


OPHIDIAN

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by UltraMantis Black: 4/17/2013: Up until CHIKARA's recent event "The Shoulder of Pallas" at the WrestlingConvocation, I paid very little attention to this group calling itself The Colony: Xtreme Force. Quite frankly, they had always appeared to me to be little more than mere products of a corporate marketing scheme - disposable commodities. They emerged in CHIKARA with their own agenda to be sure, but one that had nothing to do with my Spectral Envoy.

Photo by Zia

All of that changed in Secaucus when I, against my better judgement, allowed Frightmare to involve himself in this all-ant war by participating in a wrestling contest with both The Colony and The Colony: Xtreme Force. Mid-match, this so-called Xtreme Force took it upon themselves to blatantly remove the mask of Frightmare with malice and without provocation. Outrage! An unforgivable transgression has been perpetrated! Clearly these peons are willfully ignorant to the gospel truth that those who cross one of us, cross us all.

Xtreme Force - you have made yourself one very angry and powerful enemy in the Great & Devious UltraMantis Black. Your manufactured image and personas are destined to be short-lived - by encroaching on the dominion of The Envoy you have only expedited your own destruction. We will make you outmoded and obsolete.

Prepare to disappear.
UMB

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by: Gavin Loudspeaker
4/19/2013: One of the things Tim Donst probably won’t tell you is that we used to be friends. We hung out after events, we played Guitar Hero, we stayed up late, and for a brief period even formed a band - with Donst on bass and Hydra playing drums.

He probably won’t mention that anytime soon, but I feel like it’s important to point out that his bullying, cowardly tactics go back a long way. His psychotic need for attention through misery resulted in the end our short-lived band. And our friendship. And Hydra’s career. From there, he saddled up with the BDK, where he met his BFF Jakob Hammermeier. While Jakob annoyed me endlessly in the ring and kept me from doing my job, Donst was always there, smiling, almost like it was his twisted game. He just loves to ruin fun. He doesn’t even need a reason.

Maybe he is jealous of my personal connection to the CHIKARA fans, how we all treat each other like family...a connection he can never have. Maybe he just hates that I’m funny, cute and talented. Maybe it’s my music - since he couldn’t carry a note if it was in a hammock.

I know what my job is, I don’t do play-by-play for the New York Ballet. I deal with wrestlers all the time, so I know my place. I’m the ring announcer, so I shut up and do my job. Except my job is mostly talking. So yeah, sometimes I get carried away. I love to get a rise from the CHIKARA fans and I’ll do anything to do it, so I guess I took a few shots at Donst over the season premiere weekend, but that is my JOB. I’m supposed to entertain the fans. It’s called having fun. And what I said was true: “Tim Donst is NOT main event material.”

Let’s take a look at his iPay-Per-View record, shall we? At "High Noon" he lost to UltraMantis and Hallowicked, effectively ending the BDK’s reign of terror. At "Chikarasaurus Rex" Hallowicked proved he’s the greatest Young Lions Cup champion ever, defeating Donst and taking his hair. Then, at "Under the Hood," when the critics and pundits had him pegged as CHIKARA’s next Grand Champion, he again fell short. One "Backfist to the Future" later and his future didn’t look so bright. Heck, I’d be frustrated, too. I get the frustration.

But that doesn't give license to take out frustration on a ring announcer. To get physical. To intimidate. That is a pretty pathetic display of who he is, and he didn’t really hurt me. And talking about pathetic people - Jakob and now Veronica enable his every whim. They are as low as Donst, and it almost doesn't phase me. But it just disgusts me to see Donst contaminate the mind of Steven “Turtle” Weiner, who is a good guy mixed up with the wrong crowd.

Last month, after a particularly humiliating brow-beating in Tampa, I lost my cool in Orlando. I told the crowd exactly what I felt about Tim Donst, and I’m glad I did because it made me feel better. During that exact same weekend - guess who was making misery in the happiest place on earth?

Watch Tim Donst in that video. What else do you need to know about this lowlife? Playing with someone as if they are a toy?

And how about WrestleCon? In front of the biggest live CHIKARA crowd ever I had a moment I’ll never forget...but for the wrong reasons. After throwing me to the mat, he unleashed his scissors and proceeded to cut a lock from my Zeus-like hair as his cronies looked on in amusement. It looked as if he was going to finish the job, too, but he had his fun. Bullies never finish the job. As if I had a target on my back, Tim Donst took it upon himself to bring his sick misery train to my home turf, CHIKARA Podcast-A-Go-Go.

Striking me. Knocking me down. Ending the fun. Even though my doctor said it would not be permanent, the hearing in my left ear is messed up because of you, Tim. Not cool.This is not fun anymore. I’m unable to do my job and I feel unsafe. I'm going to start recording the Go-Go at my place, because I don't feel safe at the studio any more. I don't deserve to be slapped around, no matter what I say or who I say it to, Tim.

To our Director of Fun: I request you suspend Tim Donst from the next live card, and fine him heavily for what he's done to me. Furthermore, I'd like to see the money taken from his paycheck donated to the Be A Star charity ( www.facebook.com/beaSTARAlliance). I want him to see that his terrorist tactics only served to fund an anti-bullying campaign.

And once he's been dealt with, we can finally get back to having fun.
GL

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by: Dasher Hatfield

4/23/2013: Back at WrestleCon I enjoyed one of the greatest days in either of my careers. I got to meet CHIKARA fans from all over the world including places like Germany, Scotland and Austria. It was an absolute pleasure and an honor to perform in front of over one-thousand of the greatest wrestling fans in the entire world! The second I came through the curtain, I was bombarded with an energy that I had never felt in my entire life. It was an energy that was radiating through each fan and right into my dear old heart. Unfortunately, the match did not end up as Touchdown and I had planned. It all went sour when I caught him trying to use his helmet against one of our opponents. It ended with me being smashed like a bug when I received "The Death Blow" from Sidney Bakabella's Devastation Corporation.

As a Professional Wrestler I am used to having some aches and pains after a hard fought scrum. I figured it only natural that my ribs would not feel up to par for a few days after receiving such a move. I waited for the pain to decrease, however the pain only grew. I know at my age I do not heal as I once did, but I had the sneaking suspicion that something was seriously wrong. After some encouraging from the Mrs. I eventually made a trip to the doctor. It is much to my dismay that he had discovered I have several broken ribs. For the first time in all my days as a Professional Wrestler, I have been placed on the disabled list.

As much as it saddens me to make this announcement, my ribs are not what have been chipping away at my mind as of late. This past February at “All the Agents and Superhuman Crew” I picked up a victory over a man that I have had a huge amount of respect for throughout the course of my career. I speak, of course, of Delirious. Not only did I pin his shoulders to the mat, but I managed to do it in less than a minute! Starting my wrestling career at such a late age I feel it is my duty to work harder than any other man who steps in the ring in hopes that I can improve my game at a much faster pace. This win was everything I had been looking for to really help me push my career to the next level. However, it seemed Delirious was not too pleased with his poor performance on that particular day. It was then, that this man, who I have viewed as wrestling greatness, lowered himself to the point of attacking me from behind and delivering three knees directly to my skull. As if that were not cowardly enough, it seems as if Delirious has now been sending his henchman, The Batiri, to finish me off for good.

Well quite frankly, I have had enough! I have played the nice guy for way too long here in CHIKARA, and it has gotten me nowhere. I have stood by and allowed myself to be attacked under-handedly for far too long, by far too many contenders. I am not a fool, I see the attitude and the aggression Mr. Touchdown brings to the squared circle. Although I disagree whole-heartedly with any cheating tactic, I also see the success he has found. Perhaps, I will use this time off to harness a little aggression and attitude of my own. When I do return, I will not sit by and wait for Delirious or The Batiri to hunt me down and flush me down the Demon’s Toilet. In fact, there will be no need for them to hunt me down at all. The next time you see me lads, I’ll be clogging that Demon’s Toilet with each and every one of you!



DH

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by: Wink Vavasseur

4/25/2013: CHIKARA employees and fans,

Unauthorized footage of myself, your esteemed Director of Fun, Wink Vavasseur, recently aired on one of CHIKARA’s web video programs. Bryce Remsburg, as the driving force behind this program, your decision to air this footage without my permission is unacceptable. It’s time you start to begin to learn how to follow the CHIKARA chain of command, Bryce, learn how to observe and respect the company hierarchy. Furthermore, I have instructed the webmaster NOT to post a link to the video in question, so as not to draw any more attention to it. I don't feel as if I have been unclear, but to create greater clarity on this topic: Any disrespect toward my Directorship or the Vavasseur family name will not be tolerated.

Suffice to say, an exploratory committee has already been established and has begun the task of reviewing candidate applications for the new leader of the revered tag-team supergroup, The Colony: Xtreme Force. I would like to thank the Army of CHIKARA for their patronage, and making the official t-shirt of The Colony: Xtreme Force into the biggest-selling item in the history of my esteemed tenure as Director.

The upcoming CHIKARA event in Gibsonville, NC, presents us with a very exciting opportunity and I’m fully expecting to continue our record-setting sales streak! I am teaming the former merchandising juggernaut of the old Colony with the masked crowd favorites who have quietly held onto the #2 spot on the CHIKARA Sales Leader Board (to wit: theirs is the only CHIKARA t-shirt I’ve personally purchased.) Of course, I’m talking about [cue the music]...Los Ice Creams! Yes, the fine North Carolinians of Gibsonville will be witness to these two most exciting and profitable mask-and-t-shirt-selling tag teams, joining together like some sort of futuristic space robot whose whole is even greater than the sum of its parts! These fans will also be given the enviable opportunity to purchase those masks and t-shirts at the CHIKARA Merchandise Booth! CHIKARA fans, act now to make arrangements to join these Gibsonville-ians in this once-in-a-lifetime chance to be part of the action!

Lastly, I’d like to address a request of me from our ring announcer, play-by-play commentator, and host of CHIKARA’s “Podcast-A-Go-Go,” Gavin Loudspeaker. I have read your account of the interactions with Tim Donst, and I have reviewed the tapes. Your plea has not gone unheard. Before I make any decisions, though, I think it would be appropriate to view your complaint in a greater context.

In your April 19th blog post, you’ve admitted to verbally insulting and instigating Mr. Donst on multiple occasions, to which he responded with intimidation, escalating to a physical altercation, as seen in PCAGG Episode 364.

Extrapolating this one step further, I would like to point out that you, Mr. Loudspeaker, have a proven history of insultation and instigation, of which I can attest personally. I have been insulted by you on numerous occasions, not only on commentary and on the “Go-Go,” but also in your “glowing” in-ring introductions. I do not take kindly to being undermined by my subordinates, and especially not by a pencil-necked, skinny pants-wearing, glorified mic-jockey like yourself, Gavin.

Now I see, with this latest, grainiest and most-out-of-focus edition of our "Go-Go" that you have taken to creating podcasts in your house as a means of avoiding further retribution from Tim Donst for your insults. You will return to the studio for all future editions of this series, effective Monday, and that is not an option. At your request, I have authorized my secretary to investigate the Name a Star organization and report back.

You've now openly stated you are not a professional wrestler. I don't have as short a memory as most do. In fact, I was in attendance at the CHIKARA event called "Reality is Relative" in the days before my appointment to the Directorship. Do you know what I saw there as the evening wrapped? A ring announcer - a self-professed non-wrestler - delivering a wrestling maneuver to an injured and defenseless Jakob Hammermeier. If anyone knows what you're capable of, I'm sure it is Jakob's BFF Mr. Donst. Jakob withstood your insults and lame jokes for an entire year. When that wasn't enough, you escalated to physical violence. Tell me Mr. Bigmouth, will I be next when your verbal barbs fail?

With a smile and a wink,
WiNK

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by: Kobald

5/1/2013: RESPECT is a word the Batiri hardly ever speaks. Nearly one year ago Delirious took us under his wing, created an army and taught us all about RESPECT...RESPECT is something earned, for example, through leadership. Delirious has earned our RESPECT by forging an unstoppable machine of CHAOS & DESTRUCTION. He RESPECTS us and we return our RESPECT. We were carefully selected, unlike our opponents this Friday North Carolina.

Wink is a leader we have few opinions on, for he doesn’t meddle in our affairs, but he clearly has no RESPECT for the groups he creates. We know he knows no RESPECT for his stables, because we’ve defeated ALL OF THEM. The Swarm, The New Colony, The Extreme Colony, 3.Akuma, New F.I.S.T... why would the Ice Cream Colony be any different?

We hate ants. We hate the original three ants, the Green one that will soon be Grand Champion, the Blue Ant that climbed over the border fence, & the three new ants from Wink's Ant Farm. The Old Colony always had our number, but not these new remixed Colonies. Not in Indiana, not in Ohio, not in Florida...well, except that GREEN One, but that's why I’m willing to bet Mystery Bag #700 (available now at TheBatiri.com) he's the next Grand Champion!

We RESPECT Fire Ant for the battles he has raged with us. But we hate him. We RESPECT the Blue Ant, because he has beat the Young Lion and won his banana. But we hate him even more than the red one! However, we do NOT RESPECT Los Ice Creams. Los Ice Creams are stupid, human-created, processed-foods-based braggarts who recite stories of their father’s fame. And now, teaming with the Colony...? Now it seems even you two will become...SOFT SERVED! Los Ice Creams are the WORST tag team of all time. The world laughs at you two bungling idiots. We hate you more than we hate ants.

Why has Wink teamed you two, The Colony and Los Ice Creams together? Because you sell the most t-shirts. This is an effort to cash in by Wink. You might have sold more T-SHIRTS than us, but, in the ring, you’ll never be as VICIOUS as us! Everytime The Batiri go to the “South,” someone ends up seriously hurt. Soldier Ant’s nose was broken by us in North Carolina. Frightmare’s skull was fractured in Alabama by the DEMON’S TOILET! Brutality is synonymous with the “South” in the same way brutality is synonymous with The Batiri. Who are we to break tradition? Mark my words...this weekend, someone will ONCE AGAIN be put in the EMERGENCY ROOM!

WE are the most disturbing, gruesome and brutal faction in wrestling today. Singly, tag team, trios, four-o’s or five-o’s...WE are the most gross! There is no disputing it! We prove it everytime we step into the ring...by this time next week we will have beaten yet another Wink-created faction, The Batiri will be Campeones de Parejas, and I will have FLUSHED the Pharaoh ONCE AND FOR ALL! The world will soon fear us, but they will also RESPECT us.

The Prince of ALL Goblins,
K

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by Gavin Loudspeaker:
5/10/2013: I always look forward to CHIKARA’s visits to the south. Especially North Carolina and Georgia, two of my favorite wrestling hotbeds! Plus, this weekend was Greek Easter and I was going to spend it with my family and friends.

But there was something ominous afoot.

Right off the bat, CHIKARA Director of Fun Wink Vavasseur turned down my request to suspend Tim Donst and instead insinuated that I’m, in fact, the one to blame. He further insinuates that “I asked for it,” even though I’m clearly the victim. Meaning Donst and Co. would be crawling around the venues; super unsafe especially since he already threatened me on Twitter. Great.

Then, only a few hours before I was to hit the road, I realized my car had been towed, but I got my car out of the pound and drove to North Carolina with a smile on my face. Happy thoughts of Cook-Out swirled in my head as I raced to Gibsonville, one of my favorite spots. As I was performing my top secret pre-show ritual, I was jumped from behind. Donst, Jakob, Veronica and even Turtle all grabbed a limb and stuffed me into a janitor’s closet, duct taping my entire body into an immobile cocoon. They propped me against the wall and locked the door.

Picking locks is a little something I learned from my punk rock friends on the Lower East Side. It took some time, but finally I was able to free myself from the tape.

Halfway through the NC event, I was able to crawl my way out and expose Donst and his goons, but my night was ruined. I was picking tape off me for the next two days. I missed half the matches locked in a closet.

This was humiliating, for sure, but the worst part is...I’m the host of CHIKARA! Not him. I’m the voice of CHIKARA and Gibsonville was robbed of the full-on CHIKARA experience and forced to endure the pain of the “Tim Donst Makes Fun of Gavin Show.” The following day on the way to Georgia, Gary and Shannon from Smart Mark Video decided to cheer me up and invite me to eat with them at Abdullah the Butcher’s House of Ribs and Chinese Food:

This was a great idea, and sure to make me forget spending hours locked up with a a mop and bucket. But on my way to meet them I my GPS accidentally took me 30 miles out of the way, preventing me from going to my hero’s official rib shack. No Egg Rolls. No Chitterlings. Sigh.

Now I was depressed. I knew the only thing that could cheer me up was the roar of the CHIKARA fans in Porterdale, GA - and I was right! From the debuting Shenron, to crazy trios war between The Colony: Xtreme Force (TM) vs. The Spectral Envoy & Green Ant, to insane tag action, the Georgia faithful were red hot. They even cheered my protest song as we all chanted "U-S-A!" It was a great night.

Then came time for Tim Donst vs. Saturyne. As he bullied the young and talented luchadora much the same way he does me, I couldn’t help but wonder - why does he get to have a three-person cheering section? I took it upon myself to be Saturyne’s cheerleader and cheer her on to victory. And she pinned Donst's shoulders to the mat for the count of three. The self-proclaimed "greatest Young Lions Cup champion" of all time fell to a relative rookie.

The next thing I know, I'm being scooped up, hoisted onto Donst’s shoulders, and driven head-first into the canvas. I don’t even remember being stretchered out.

When I woke up Sunday evening in the hospital, I looked at a clock and realized I’d been out for a day. I missed Greek Easter. Then my car broke down in Dillon, SC at South of the Border, and I had to take three buses. When I finally I got home, fed my starving cat, and checked my emails, this is the first thing I see:

First of all, how is it my fault you had your stomach pumped? How is it my fault that you decided to cut a lock of my hair AGAIN (and eat it)? How is it my fault you can’t win a match fair and square, Tim?

Am I the reason you failed to win the Grand Championship? I didn't make you lose your hair or turn you into the most miserable, cowardly troll in the history of CHIKARA. None of this is my fault.

Now more than ever, I feel my well-being is in jeopardy here in CHIKARA. A place I once loved to work has become a hazardous warzone, and the Director of Fun doesn't seem to care. I’m a smart guy. I’ve got talent and I've got connections - I could announce events anywhere. But I am NOT a pro-wrestler.

In Porterdale, we all had to listen to Tim Donst whine about losing his hair on June 2nd, 2012 to Hallowicked as the world watched on iPay-Per-View. I understand how humiliating that must have been. I saw Tim Donst walk to the back, buzzed down to his scalp, with tears welling up in his eyes. He was humbled.

Well come June 2nd, 2013, I'd like to see this psycho put in his place, Wink. And I know several people that would be perfect for the job. How about submission specialist Green Ant? Someone that can go hold-for-hold with a wrestler the caliber of Tim Donst. What about Gran Akuma, who can throw strikes with the best pro-wrestlers on the planet? I'm sure he could teach Donst a lesson in humility. Maybe Eddie Kingston will be free, and he can shut Tim Donst up once and for all. There's three great match ideas, Wink. Don't mean to do your job for you, but it seems like you barely know what you're doing as is.


GL

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by: Harlem Bravado

5/13/2013: When my brother Lancelot and I were approached by the CHIKARA office about participating in the Tag World Grand Prix, The Bravado family couldn’t help but feel like this was our shot at redemption. Grandma said, “Chicago loves a good comeback story,” and since Derrick Rose blew his opportunity, we are going to give the Windy City the comeback it deserves.

The TWGP is truly something special, not only to me professionally, but personally as well. When I was just 15 years old, the 2005 edition was my first-ever CHIKARA experience. The 2006 edition of the Grand Prix brought the coronation of the first Campeones de Parejas. The 2008 edition was held internationally in Oberhausen, Germany. Due to the talent level of all involved, this tournament has helped launch and solidify the careers of teams that not only won, but that have had great showings. We couldn’t ask for a better return than coming back and winning the 2013 edition.

Unfortunately, to say that we have not lived up to our potential in CHIKARA thus far would be an understatement. We went 0-3 in our main event matches in 2012, we were eliminated 2nd and 3rd overall in the Cibernetico match, and we lost to a couple of girls.

But worst of all, we didn’t achieve our goal of capturing the Campeonatos de Parejas. As a matter of fact, we were only able to gain two out of the three points that you need to challenge for them. Things need to change for us. Last year we were focused on fighting battles for Ring of Honor and for Kevin Steen...but this year we are fighting for our ourselves.

No more distractions. The only flag we will be waving going forward is for the Bravado Bandwagon. 100% of our focus and energy is going into winning the TWGP. The 500 hindu squats we were doing everyday in the Pro Wrestling NOAH Dojo became a lot easier knowing that our 2nd chance in CHIKARA was on the horizon. I dare any other team to work harder than us. My brother and I need this right now more anything. I remember the feeling of the 15 year old me watching the Tag World '05. I can only imagine the feeling when 23 year old me actually wins it.

Bravado Bandwagon... Hop on!
HB

[Big Red Machine]

Blog by Sidney Bakabella:

5/14/2013: To whom it may concern;

When I read TWGP in my travel itinerary, I thought it meant "Toots whooped Geigel in Pasadena." I was incorrect. It's a tag team tournament called the Tag World Grand Prix. Rumor has it that CHIKARA has partnered with Bob Luce out in Chicago to run this tournament at the Logan Square Auditorium. I heard it was originally going to be held at the International Amphitheatre, but Verne Gagne & Moose Cholak put the kibosh on it.

This year alone, Devastation Corporation have competed in 23 tournaments. They have won every tournament, including the South African Tag Team Invitational, that included 91 different teams. When it comes to tournaments, Devastation Corporation are in high demand. The visual impact alone of Max Smashmaster & Blaster McMassive is awe-inspiring. They instill fear into the hearts of all of their opponents. On top of all of that, they are winners!

I haven't seen any of the teams in the Tag World Grand Prix 2013. I hear that all of the promoters are sending teams in for this. This is the biggest tag team tournament in the United States this year! Every promoter is chomping at the bit to be represented. Normally I lay out the same game for Max & Blaster for every tournament. In Chicago at the Tag World Grand Prix, I'm laying out a different game plan. I was talking with Gary Hart coming up with ideas on how we can win. Let's just say that at the end of the tournament, The Devastation Corporation will be standing tall.

And you can take that to the pay window,
SB

[cero2k]

Blog by: Wink Vavasseur

5/16/2013: CHIKARA fans,
Director of Fun, Wink Vavasseur, here to address a few pieces of CHIKARA business. Please bear with me as I take care of my duties as Supervisor to Human Resources. As much of this doesn’t apply to you (and, thereby, probably won’t interest you,) please skip ahead to my last paragraph...

Gavin, you have insulted me repeatedly. You have questioned my abilities and my capabilities. Despite the fact that you are most clearly an underling and an employee, you have made it your goal to “subtly” disrespect me, Wink Vavasseur, your superior. Now you implore me to help you get your revenge on Mr. Donst by assigning a proxy to put himself in harm’s way? For you?! I have a better idea, Loudmouther. Think of it as a lesson, as a character-building exercise. In front of the already nearly-pre-sold-out crowd in Philadelphia, and across the world wide web on our i-Pay-Per-View, you will get the opportunity to walk the walk, since you have had no problem talking the talk. I am officially mandating the following bout for “Aniversario: Never Compromise” on June 2nd: Tim Donst vs. Gavin Loudspeaker.



Sugar, it has been brought to my attention that you have recently declared yourself a “free agent.” Well, golly, I should really get my eyes checked because I didn’t realize we had ourselves a regular Curt Flood over here! Dunk, you must have me confused with Bowie Kuhn (look it up,) because under the Vavasseur administration, that’s just not the way things work. So, Mr. Dunkerton, allow me to take this opportunity to wish you nothing but the best in your "free agency." Be careful what you ask for.

Alright, CHIKARA fans, this is the part to which you should have skipped ahead...I’d like to hear your opinion! First, though, a little backstory: as many of you doubtlessly know, I recently capitalized on the overwhelming success of CHIKARA’s most popular (in terms of merchandise sales) team The Colony by creating the supergroup The Colony: Xtreme Force [TM]! This team, unsurprisingly, was met with resounding approval by you, the fans! So, can lightning strike twice? Well, I’m confident it can!

I’ve decided to turn my creative energies toward our #2 top merchandise sales leaders, Los Ice Creams! I’ve gone back to my creative brain trust (that’s how I sometimes refer to myself, all alone in my office) to grab another great moniker out of the brain air, and what I’ve come up with is this original gem... Los Ice Creams: Xtreme Frost [TM]! So, CHIKARA fans, what do you think of this brand new name? I hate to pre-emptively toot my own horn, but I’m pretty proud to have come up with this one all by my lonesome! Thanks in advance.

While I finalize the trademarks on that, we're going to be doing some focus groups and such to see how the name tests. We can sure use your help!


WiNK