BRM Reviews the 4/25/2013 Impact (sh*t)

[Big Red Machine]

BULLY RAY BULLIES SOME SECURITY GUARDS- pointless. You would think that the guards would have been informed to let Aces & Eights into the building, if, in fact, they are allowed in. And if they aren’t… well, ineffective security is a standard part of pro wrestling, but completely wimpy security is just pathetic.
I hate when they have these segments simply because they serve no purpose at all. We get that he is a Bully. You pretty much hit that nail over the head when you switched his name to “Bully Ray.” You don’t need to waste showtime on it.

OPENING SEGMENT- James Storm is awesome, as always. Same with Bad Influence, and those jackass Aces & Eights picking the bones was great chickensh*t heel stuff (granted, a big tough group of biker’s shouldn’t be chickensh*ts but at least it got some heat from me). Of the entire TNA roster, only Joseph Park comes to make the save. Bubba and Devon then give him a 3-D, which was stupid, because that is the sort of thing that will get a pop, rather than heat. Well… at least most of the segment was awesome.

BULLY RAY PROMO- he gives Hogan until the end of the show to show up and become his next victim. He doesn’t say what he will do if Hulk doesn’t show up, so I’m not sure why Hogan should show up and let Bully Ray kick his ass.
Of course, because this is TNA and we need to build up needless suspense, Tenay tells us that about an hour ago, Hogan left the building and didn’t tell anyone where he was going or if he will be back (I assume he is going to get Sting)… because that is responsible… especially for the GUY WHO RUNS THE SHOW!

Oh. Wow. That was over quick. Right when we get back from commercial, Hogan is back.

TARYN TERRELL vs. TARA- 4/10
It’s been three weeks. Can we please get ODB a referee’s shirt? I keep forgetting that she isn’t in the match. A lot of different offense from Tara here. This just made me sad that Tara isn’t in a main event spot anymore. Taryn took the worst looking bottom rope slingshot guillotine I have ever seen in my life.

ROBBIE E. & JESSIE GODDERZ BACKSTAGE- great!

ROB TERRY vs. JESSIE GODDERZ (w/Robbie E.)- 2.5/10

BAD INFLUENCE & BOBBY ROODE BACKSTAGE- more of Bad Influence trying to get Fortune back together. We know it won’t happen, but it makes for a decent tease.

CHRIS SABIN VIDEO PACKAGE- Sabin might be coming back next week, but I’m marking out already.

AUSTIN ARIES & BOBBY ROODE BACKSTAGE- good.

TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: Chavo Guerrero Jr. & Hernandez(c) vs. Bobby Roode & Austin Aries- 5.5/10
Good build to a three-way match between these three teams.

MATT MORGAN PROMO- pointless. I will never understand why TNA wastes time with guys getting interviewed backstage and telling us that they are about to go out to the ring and say something. Just have him go out to the ring and say it!

BULLY RAY ANGLE RECAP- Dear Lord it is so damn annoying to see this every week! At least on Raw it is just a recap from last week. We shouldn’t need a recap of the last five months of TV. It is the announcers job to do this DURING the segment.

MATT MORGAN & HULK HOGAN SEGMENT- HORRIBLE!
Morgan says that his problems with TNA for the past year have been about mistakes, but all of the mistakes he list happened in the past three months. He also says that Sting and Hogan have been best friends for over twenty years, which just sh*ts all over kayfabe.
Not to be outdone, Hogan opens his mouth and proves why we all wish he wouldn’t: More than six months later, Hogan finally complains about Morgan stealing his ring robe from Shea Stadium (which he did ON NATIONAL TV, IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HOGAN’S FACE!). Then the Hulkster says that if he let Morgan take out Aces & Eights tonight in exchange for a TNA World Heavyweight Title match at Slammiversary (against Bully Ray… you know, the heel Hogan really wants the belt off of), that would be a bigger mistake that Hulk’s idiotic nepotism giving Bully Ray the title the title shot at Lockdown.
WHAT THE F*CK?! Care to explain yourself there, Hulkster?
So instead, Hogan says that he will go out there tonight “and take what needs to be taken for this company”… which I assume refers to the TNA World Heavyweight Title… so did Hulk just book himself into a world title match? Or does he think he will take the belt by force by beating up eight tough bikers who are all much younger and healthier than he is?
The concept was good (I can totally get behind Morgan dethroning Bully Ray then bragging to everyone about it) but the execution was about as bad as could be.

ACES & EIGHTS BACKSTAGE- Why are Aces & Eights not chasing after the cameraman? They really don’t seem like the type of people who like to be spied on. Remember what they did to Joseph Park back in the fall?

TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Velvet Sky(c) vs. Mickie James- 4/10
The pin at the end looked bad but otherwise a good match.

BULLY & DEVON BACKSTAGE- *SNORE*
This segment was entirely pointless. We don’t need ever more f*cking build for Bully calling Hogan out.

HOGAN & BROOKE BACKSTAGE- We get it. Bully Ray is dangerous. We don’t need even more of this sh*t. And Brooke brings up a good point? Why can’t Hogan have bodyguards?

BULLY RAY & HULK HOGAN SEGMENT- Bully says that Hogan is afraid of him because he reminds him of a younger version of himself. What? For what reason? The only reason Bully gives for this is that they are from the same era (which is debatable). Then Bully steals Eddie Kingston’s nickname and says that he is going to kill Hulkamania but Hogan says that Hulkamania “will never die.”
NEWSFLASH! IT’S 2013! NO ONE HAS GIVEN A RAT’S ASS ABOUT HULKAMANIA FOR OVER TEN YEARS!

Then Bully spits at Hogan so Hogan Hulks out and beats him up. That’s right. Jeff Hardy couldn’t take out Bully Ray but an almost sixty year old Hulk Hogan with a bad back and fresh off of knee surgery can. The Aces & Eights show up and surround the ring. None of the babyfaces or Bad Influence are anywhere to be found… but that’s okay because Aces & Eights have apparently decided to move really slowly. When they have Hogan cornered but then the lights go out and Sting appears…
But he is pointing his bat at Hogan! For some reason, Bully thinks that Hulk being mad at him is enough to make Sting forget everything Bully has done to him but HOLY TOTALLY F*CKING OBVIOUS SWERVE, BATMAN! Sting goes after the Aces & Eights instead. Of course, since there are eight heels in the ring ring and just two babyfaces, one of who has a bat… and because “when you ride with Aces & Eights you never ride alone”… they each charge at the guy with the bat ONE AT A TIME like really sh*tty A.I. and so the whole group of big, bad heels who are supposedly running roughshod over TNA are taken out BY JUST STING AND HOGAN! WHAT THE F*CK?!

Yet another crappy episode of Impact. This one had two title matches on it and yet they managed to make everything on the show feel like complete and total filler until the crappy Hogan-Bully segment, which showed that all of the wrestlers who TNA keeps telling us are so super-awesome and are the next generation of stars can’t even take on a group that two broken down old men could beat up. Way to bury your entire roster, TNA. That’s really forward thinking. Dumbasses.