BRM Reviews the 5/16/2013 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- Hogan says “let AJ go join Aces & Eights! Who cares?” Well… you did, Hulk. Just a few weeks ago! Anyway, apparently it will be AJ vs. Kurt at Slammiversary. TNA doesn’t have any PPVs for three months, yet they can still only manage four weeks of build to a PPV match.

Hogan then calls Abyss out, but only Joseph Park shows up. Apparently the one week that Joseph doesn’t show up, Abyss came back, like some sort of sitcom. Hogan says “we need Abyss here now more than ever, if anybody knows where he could be, that would be his brother.”
Really, Hulk? Do you not remember why Joseph Park started to show up? IT WAS BECAUSE ABYSS WAS MISSING! Did you not even listen to what Joseph just said? “all this time I’ve need looking for him?”

Apparentlt Hogan isn’t the only one who doesn’t remember much, though, because Joseph himself says that if it wasn’t for Aces & Eights he never would have had to look for Abyss. Those of us with a functioning memory will tell you that Abyss disappeared MONTHS before Aces & Eights showed up! Anyway, the result of this segment is that we get Joseph Park vs. D’Lo Brown. Then, because he always has to be the center of attention, Hogan says that after Joseph beats D’Lo, Hogan will give him the go ahead to tear Devon apart whenever he wants… because apparently TNA wrestlers need Hogan’s permission to fight Aces & Eights. And even if I wasn’t being facetious here, this would be totally unnecessary anyway because Hogan “empowered” the TNA roster to fight Aces & Eights in a pointless speech a few months ago. And if you have any doubt that this was just Hogan trying to hog the spotlight, he actually says “and after this guy tears you apart” TWICE, making it obvious that he had no idea what he was going to say even as he started speaking!

CHRISTIAN YORK PROMO- good… but the concept of Christian York as a world champion is just lauighable. I don’t think he has even been in the title picture of any reasonably sized promotion. Not even for a decent-sized indy.

BOBBY ROODE vs. CHAVO GUERRERO JR.- 4/10
So last week, with no recent bad blood, Storm will throw superkicks, but this week, after having been assaulted by a mystery assailant, Storm will only spit beer at someone?

ANGLE CALLS OUT AJ- Anderson comes out instead and says that AJ will be patched in to Aces & Eights live next week. Angle punches Anderson and Anderson bails, but then AJ comes out and hits Kurt with an enzugiri.
JAY BRADLEY PROMO- he really needs to work on his mic skills. There was WAY too much “um… uh…” going on in the beginning. The end of it was great, though.”

WINNER ADVANCES TO SLAMMIVERSARY FOR A CHANCE TO EARN A BERTH IN THE BFG SERIES: Jay Bradley vs. Christian York- 4.75/10
So all it will take to get a shot in the BFG Series is TWO WINS over guys who have barely appeared on Impact? COME ON!

JAMES STORM PROMO- great

ACES & EIGHTS BACKSTAGE- okay

BROOKE HOGAN & MICKIE JAMES BACKSTAGE- HORRIBLE!
Mickie says she would like a more prominent role at Slammiversary than she has been getting recently. Brooke says that Mickie hasn’t been prominently featured recently because she had to let Gail and Taryn deal with their problems. I’m not sure why this means that Mickie can’t be featured, but the only reason that makes any logical sense that I can come up with would be that Brooke is too simple-minded to handle scheduling more than one match a week… in which case you would have to wonder why the hell she was put in charge of the Knockouts’ Division. Then Brooke says that she will give Mickie a title match next week FOR NO REASON AT ALL!
And… aren’t Gail and Velvet both in the ring already? Why the hell are we getting a backstage segment instead of the match?

BROOKE & BULLY INTERACTION- wow. I was actually just thinking about the fact that they haven’t done anything with this interaction for a while. Maybe if I think really hard, they’ll give the Slammiversary title shot to Morgan instead of Sting.

GAIL KIM vs. VELVET SKY- 4/10
Did they really have these two hand stand in the ring for SIX MINUTES before starting the match? Why not just do the damn Brooke Hogan pretape AFTER THE MATCH IS OVER, so as not to make your program look dumb/not live like you claim it is.
They build Gail up, then they job her out to Velvet! BOOO! Then Gail attacks Velvet after the match and puts her in the figure four around the ringpost. Fine… but why job her out first? If you are building towards Gail vs. Velvet at Slammiversary, why not give Gail a win to build it up?

CHRIS SABIN & KENNY KING VIDOE PACKAGE- good… but could they have put Petey in here to maybe make it look like he has a chance in hell of winning?

TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH: Kenny King(c) vs. Chris Sabin vs. Petey Williams- 6.5/10

BAD INFLUENCE BACKSTAGE- good

ANDERSON & D’LO BACKSTAGE- bad. Apparently “stuff has been spiraling out of control” since D’Lo apparently “buried Wes and Garrett.” I’m not sure what they are talking about with burying Wes and Garrett, but all I here from the announcers every week is how great things are going for Aces & Eights now that Bully has the title.

HERNANDEZ vs. CHRISTOPHER DANIELS (w/Kazarian)- 4.25/10
Keneley says that Storm was beaten down by Aries, Roode, Kaz, & Daniels. I didn’t realize we had any confirmation who was behind it.

JAMES STORM ANNOUNCES THE TAG TITLE MATCH FOR SLAMMIVERSARY- it will be Chavo & Hernandez vs. Aries & Roode vs. Bad Influence vs. Storm & a mystery partner… despite the fact that Storm hasn’t done a damn thing to earn this.

JOSEPH PARK vs. D’LO BROWN- no rating.
It’s the same Joseph Park match we always get. Apparently it only takes a few moves to put D’Lo down. Why the hell did Aces & Eights want him in the first place?
Why the hell was this the top match on the card? Why not make the X-Division Title look important by hyping it up as the main event instead of a random singles match?

BULLY RAY & STING CONTRACT SIGNING- I know what they were getting at with Sting’s promo, but I just don’t give a damn about this match. Sting then asks for a No Holds Barred match… which is moronic, because it allows for Aces & Eights to interfere! Why not ask for a cage match?
Bully then says that he will accept the match if Sting accepts a stip saying that if he loses, he can’t wrestle for the TNA World Heavyweight Title match ever again. Hogan was out here for no other reason than to tell Sting not to do this… and I have to agree with Hogan. There is no reason in the world for Sting to accept this stip… but he does so anyway because…

Anyway, a bad episode of Impact.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. James Storm walks down to the ring and spits beer in Bobby Roode’s face. He did not even touch Chavo once… and neither Taz nor Tenay can figure out who got DQed. WHAT THE F*CK?! Anyone with even an elementary understanding of pro wrestling can figure this out… but not two of TNA’s announcers?!
Oh, and just in case there is anyone as stupid as Taz and Tenay watching the show, unable to figure out who won the match, it is the job of the ring announcer to inform them. Christy Hemme did nothing. If she’s not going to do her job then maybe all her face is good for is having Austin Aries’ crotch rubbed in it.

[cero2k]

JAMES STORM ANNOUNCES THE TAG TITLE MATCH FOR SLAMMIVERSARY- it will be Chavo & Hernandez vs. Aries & Roode vs. Bad Influence vs. Storm & a mystery partner… despite the fact that Storm hasn’t done a damn thing to earn this.

I'm willing to look past that because of the potential return of America's Most Wanted

BULLY RAY & STING CONTRACT SIGNING- I know what they were getting at with Sting’s promo, but I just don’t give a damn about this match. Sting then asks for a No Holds Barred match… which is moronic, because it allows for Aces & Eights to interfere! Why not ask for a cage match?
Bully then says that he will accept the match if Sting accepts a stip saying that if he loses, he can’t wrestle for the TNA World Heavyweight Title match ever again. Hogan was out here for no other reason than to tell Sting not to do this… and I have to agree with Hogan. There is no reason in the world for Sting to accept this stip… but he does so anyway because…

1 ) because we already know a cage match doesn't stop Aces and 8s, that's how the title changed hands on the first hand.
2 ) hey, if it means that Sting may not ever challenge for the title, i'm all for it

[Big Red Machine]

BULLY RAY & STING CONTRACT SIGNING- I know what they were getting at with Sting’s promo, but I just don’t give a damn about this match. Sting then asks for a No Holds Barred match… which is moronic, because it allows for Aces & Eights to interfere! Why not ask for a cage match?
Bully then says that he will accept the match if Sting accepts a stip saying that if he loses, he can’t wrestle for the TNA World Heavyweight Title match ever again. Hogan was out here for no other reason than to tell Sting not to do this… and I have to agree with Hogan. There is no reason in the world for Sting to accept this stip… but he does so anyway because…

1 ) because we already know a cage match doesn't stop Aces and 8s, that's how the title changed hands on the first hand.
2 ) hey, if it means that Sting may not ever challenge for the title, i'm all for it

1) The cage only didn't stop them because the other babyfaces are morons and decided not to help for no reason at all.
2) Fair enough.

[cero2k]

1) The cage only didn't stop them because the other babyfaces are morons and decided not to help for no reason at all.
2) Fair enough.

which still hasn't changed