BRM Reviews the 5/23/2013 Impact (putrid)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- WRETCHED! VOMIT-INDUCING! I cannot say enough bad things about this segment.
It starts off with Hogan coming out and rambling, and this was even worse than usual. We all know that Hogan likes to add words like “brother” and “dude” to the end of his phrases, but here he actually managed to do it on two consecutive phrases in the same sentence. He actually said “I’m the general manager, Jack, in this place, brother!”
Hogan offers to let Sting out of the “if he loses he can never ever have another TNA World Title match” stip which Sting agreed to for no reason at all. But Sting says that because he was the one who convinced Hogan to trust Bully Ray, he should bear some of the responsibility for what has happened. Fine. But that doesn’t mean he needs to punish himself! Furthermore, if (as Sting would go on to say) getting the title away from Aces & Eights is so important, you would think that Sting would want to ensure that if Aces & Eights screw him out of the title, he will be able to get another chance to take the title away from Bully.
Sting says that if he can’t take the belt from Bully then he doesn’t deserve to ever be champion ever again. I could see this coming close to making sense in a fair match, but in a No DQ’s match when Bully has a large gang of bikers at his disposal to help him… Sting really must have a warped sense of what it and isn’t fair.
This segment also had a MAJOR thematic failing, too. This whole time we have heard people talk about how the World Heavyweight Title gives Bully power and that is why Sting and Hogan need it off of him (Sting said so twice in this segment alone)… but the whole segment was about Hogan offering to use his power to erase one of the stips of the world title match at Slammiversary, taking out a stip that Bully wants in, without Bully being able to do anything about it.
Brooke comes out and says that she doesn’t want either Hulk or Sting to take the blame for trusting and says that she should be the one to take the blame. Dear G-d I thought we were done with this “whose fault is it?” crap three weeks ago! Also, has anyone noticed how Hogan has said that he made a mistake by trusting Bully Ray, but has never said that maybe it was a mistake to be nepotistic and give Bully a title shot simply because he was his son-in-law.

Brooke then says that she was “the catalyst for this whole company going up in smoke”
That is just… on SO MANY LEVELS… just give me a second everyone, let me compile my thoughts as to just how ridiculous that statement is on just so many different levels.
Okay. Here we go.
1) “Going up in smoke?” Really? You finally start going on the road for TV tapings and are instantly setting high marks for attendance… and that is “going up in smoke?” All of these great “revolutionary” changes you have been selling us, like going back to four PPVs, the stupid new X-Division rules, Gut Check, British Boot Camp, your last PPV shattered all of your North American attendance records… and the company is “going up in smoke” because a heel won the World Heavyweight Title? COME ON! Exaggeration much?

2) You can’t just have a character say that the company is going up in smoke and expect the audience to go along with it if it contradicts what they see with their own eyes. This is one of TNA’s biggest problems. They tell, but they don’t show. It is the same problem with this whole “the World Heavyweight Title equals power” thing. They always says that, but they have now done an angle TWICE where someone needs to hold the World Heavyweight Title people of the power that comes with it (they did this with Sting in the spring and summer of 2011, too, when he was fighting Immortal), but never once have their shown the champion trying to use the belt as a bargaining chip to exert any influence over anything! If you want us to believe that the company is going up in smoke, you need to show a lot more things going wrong on a lot more levels.

Oh, and, on a non-kayfabe level, if you want to find a starting point why this company has been so sh*tty over the past few years, the problem goes back much farther than Brooke. Bringing in Hogan and Bischoff would be a good place to start. Or maybe back in late 2006 when Jarrett and Dixie rehired Vince Russo.

Anyway, Brooke was just plain AWFUL here. She said that she didn’t want to see Hulk and Sting take any blame for Bully winding up with the title because they have been in the wrestling business for so long. If you are wondering what those two things have to do with each other… join the club. Perhaps we’ll find out in Brooke’s next sentence?
Wait… no. She says that she wants Hogan to be proud of her, then starts talking about how the Knockouts are all so talented and how they have “grown the division.”
I’d love to know Brooke’s definition of “grown the division” is because since she has been in charge, they have signed one new Knockout (Taryn), turned one from a wrestler into a referee, and let four go (and no, I’m not counting anyone working in developmental because Taeler Hendrix, the only one of them who was ever kayfabe hired by TNA, was hired by the Gut Check judges, and Brooke had nothing to do with it). Furthermore, the prestige of the division has gone down since Brooke took over, as the tag team title have been completely ignored. So if it’s not in size or prestige, what metric is Brooke using to say that they have “grown the division?”

Anyway, Brooke says that this whole Bully Ray thing is her fault and that she has “ruined everything” (jeez, what a drama queen!), and so she thinks it is best for her to resign as the Executive VP of the Knockouts Division. Well… at least something good might come out of this segment.

Damn. I spoke too soon. Hogan says that Brooke hasn’t ruined anything and that she has helped the Knockouts’ Division (the guy in charge of the company thinks that the changes I listed above have HELPED the Knockouts Division? That should tell you something about if he is fit to be in charge).

Anyway, I guess the writers were looking for an appropriate way to cap of this atrocity of a segment, so Bully comes out and says that he is still in love with Brooke. UM…. WHAT THE F*CK?!
My assumption (and, I’m sure, everyone else’s, too) is that this is just going be a swerve, likely resolved at the end of the night, just to get Bully some more heat. If this turns out to be the case, I have to know if they really thought anyone would buy into it, and if they really felt that extra bit of heat is necessary? Because if you need to do random little sh*t like this to get heat on your top heel two weeks before the big title match you have been building up to for over a month already, then you are in deep trouble.

SUICIDE VIDEO PACKAGE- good video package, horrific gimmick. Why did they bring it back?

SUICIDE vs. PETEY WILLIAMS vs. JOEY RYAN- 3.25/10
Well… that was over quick.
Tazz says that there is no place in the business for a move like the piledriver which drops people on their heads and necks. Ahh. That must explain why he no-sells about four straight in this match:


According to Tenay, Suicide’s new nickname is “the Dark Savior.” Of who? From what?

JAMES STORM & CHRIS SABIN BACKSTAGE- good. James Storm brings up the “Destination X Rule” about the X-Division champ being able to cash in for a World Heavyweight Title match at Destination X… but there is no Destination X anymore, so I’m not really sure what’s up with that.

BROOKE & BULLY BACKSTAGE- we waste even more time just restating what was already said. If this is just a dumb swerve that they blow off at the end of the night, I will be quite pissed.

MICKIE JAMES & VELVET SKY BACKSTAGE- Mickie says she is willing to postpone their title tonight match until Velvet is fully healed, but Velvet says she doesn’t want to give Gail Kim the satisfaction of making her miss a match. Then Mickie tells Velvet that she loves her and they talk while holding hands. I’m sure the hand-holding thing was unintentional, but it just made this whole thing REALLY awkward.

WINNER ADVANCES TO SLAMMIVERSARY FOR A CHANCE TO EARN A BERTH IN THE BFG SERIES: Sam Shaw vs. Alex Silva-
So after being on the roster and doing nothing for ten and thirteen months respectively, Shaw and Silva FINALLY get a televised matc-
Or not.
Wes Brisco, Garrett Bischoff, and Doc come out and Wes whines about not being included in this tournament. I’m sorry, but you can’t be a tough biker and a whinny b*tch at the same time. Wes says he left Alex Silva laying out in the parking lot. The three Aces & Eights guys then beat down Sam Shaw until a completely unarmed Magnus comes out and makes the save. So it takes three Aces & Eights guys to beat up a nobody, and as soon as a f*cking midcarder comes out, they are running away?!
Magnus says that Aces & Eights gang attacks “don’t sit well with the boys in the back.” If that’s true, you’d think that a few more of them would have come out to try to stop it! Also, apparently Magnus and Sam Shaw are best buds, so this is now personal, and, on no one’s authority, we get a sanctioned match.

MAGNUS vs. WES BRISCO (w/Garrett Bischoff & Doc)- no rating. Eh segment.
The match ends in a DQ as Aces & Eights initiate another one of those gang attacks that apparently the boys in the back hate so much… and yet again, only one guys comes out to make the save. The good news is that this time, three Aces & Eights don’t run away from just one unarmed man. The bad news is that they do the only thing that could make them look worse: they get their butts kicked by just one unarmed man. The fact that that man is Samoa Joe is the only reason I haven’t given this a total dud… but I have to ask… WHERE THE HELL WAS JOE BEFORE?!

ACES & EIGHTS BACKSTAGE- this segment had two purposes, to once again sell the “Bully is still in love with Brooke” crap, and to establish that AJ hasn’t shown up yet.

KURT ANGLE WANTS TO SAVE OLYMPIC WRESTLING VIDEO PACKAGE- I get that this is important, but TNA shouldn’t be wasting TV time with this. At least they kept it short.

KURT ANGLE vs. KEN ANDERSON- 5/10
For some unknown reason, they decided to wait the entire commercial break before starting this match. We know this because, as AJ was driving his motorcycle to the arena, we heard the bell ring… and that brings up an even bigger question? If they want to wait until the end of the commercial to start the match to make sure that we don’t miss any of it, why did they have us miss the beginning of the match for AJ arriving at the arena? And why keep the camera on AJ for so damn long. All we needed to see was him drive up the arena. We didn’t need him to see him park the motorcycle and walk out of the room in order to understand that he has arrived at the arena.

GAIL KIM PROMO- Gail says she should have the title shot tonight, not Mickie. She then gets jumped by Taryn and they have a pull-apart.

JAMES STORM PICKS A PARTNER- DUD!
Well… at least Hogan’s passing comment about Shark Boy actually led to something. I popped for Shark Boy at first, but extremely disappointed by the lack of fish puns. Only two? Robbie E. came out and attempted to be funny, then a mountain man who is apparently Gunner came out and randomly attacked them and James Storm decided to choose Gunner as his partner. SNORE!
For some reason we need Chavo & Hernandez to do guest commentary for this. Roode, Aries, and Bad Influence’s appearances also just felt like a forced, out of place attempt to get them into this segment.

JOSEPH PARK & STING BACKSTAGE-Joseph Park misunderstands what “getting the strap” means. This is wearing thin on me. Then Sting apparently asked Joseph to be his tag partner for a match next week.

TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Velvet Sky(c) vs. Mickie James- 3.5/10
Loved the turn, HATED the finish! Mickie should have kept going after the knee and used some sort of submission to finish Velvet off. Using the DDT as a finish right after going for the injured knee makes going for the injured knee mostly irrelevant in the course of the match. It is relevant to the heel turn but doesn’t matter to the match itself. Going heel should be what leads to Mickie winning the match (see Roode turning on Storm for an example of this being done correctly).

AJ STYLES GETS PATCHED IN TO THE ACES & EIGHTS- Forgive me if I’m wrong, as I am far from an expert in biker culture (hell, I haven’t even seen a single episode of Sons of Anarchy), but don’t you normally have to pass some test or something that proves your loyalty before you are patched in to the brotherhood?
Bully starts this off by saying that no one member of the club is any more important than any other, and that everyone is equal. Um… if that is true, then why was the whole purpose of this club to get the World Heavyweight Title on one specific member?
I’m also amused by the fact that Bully said that Anderson “took the world by the you know whats.” So the big tough heel biker named Bully won’t say “balls” or some similar term on TV? COME ON!

So they offer AJ his cut, but Kurt Angle comes out and says that by joining Aces & Eights, AJ is flushing his whole legacy in TNA down the crapper. What? By joining a heel stable? Come on! You’ve been part of at least THREE, Kurt!

AJ puts on the cut and hugs Bully, then someone must have hit Kurt from behind or something (the camera didn’t catch it- which I am fine with, but the announcers should have told us what happened) and he just kind of flopped limply into the ring. Bully gives AJ a hammer and… I really just can’t get over this part… tells AJ to hit Kurt with the hammer in order to “fulfill your destiny” like he’s Emperor f*cking Palpatine. I LOVE IT! If AJ responds by saying “Never! I'll never turn to the Dark Side” I will mark out like a three year old in Disney World (or, in my case, a six year old on the Star Tours ride).

WOW! He actually did it. I was expecting the big babyface turn here. Huh. I guess these things aren’t as predictable as we sometimes like to HOLY SHIT HE’S BEATING THE F*CK OUT OF ACES & EIGHTS WITH THE HAMMER!

Overall, this was a bad episode of Impact. Yes, the physical execution of the AJ turn (or lack thereof) was perfect, but the premise has some logical problems and some of the dialogue was just horrific (G-d, I hope Bully’s “fulfill your destiny” winds up as a Star Wars related meme), and aside from the AJ stuff, the show was just plain putrid.

[Big Bad Booty Daddy]

I have to admit its nice that Brooke now knows she's a complete waste of time and should not be in TNA at all

Was it just me or did Christy Hemme **** up again on saying Pittsburgh on Kurt Angle's entrance (drop her and have SoCal Val do it, although I feel TNA would just have Borash do it again)

AJ can't play a heel well IMO, still don't get why they have made him join aces and 8s


Suicides win would have been more impressive if TNA hadn't have advertised he was in a 3 way match against King/Sabin at Slammiversary the week before!!!

Shark boys return funny!!! But why pick Gunner when Sabin offered his services.

Come to think of it Sabin would have wrestled twice that night if he did

[badnewzxl]

AJ can't play a heel well IMO, still don't get why they have made him join aces and 8s

I think BRM confused you a bit; AJ acted like he joined Aces & Eights, then he took the hammer and beat them all down. He's still solo.

It was killing me trying to figure out who was under the mask as Suicide. I thought it was Amazing Red for a second, then I looked it up and saw that it was TJ Perkins. GREAT choice; someone who should have been hired a LONG time ago. They need to get the Bucks back now.

Lastly, I like Gunner, but I was hella let down to see him as Storm's partner. I'd have liked it better if Crimson and Gunner came out and jumped Storm and took his team's spot. Plus: Who was Storm gonna choose if Gunner didn't show up?

[badnewzxl]

AJ can't play a heel well IMO, still don't get why they have made him join aces and 8s

I think BRM confused you a bit; AJ acted like he joined Aces & Eights, then he took the hammer and beat them all down. He's still solo.

It was killing me trying to figure out who was under the mask as Suicide. I thought it was Amazing Red for a second, then I looked it up and saw that it was TJ Perkins. GREAT choice; someone who should have been hired a LONG time ago. They need to get the Bucks back now.

Lastly, I like Gunner, but I was hella let down to see him as Storm's partner. I'd have liked it better if Crimson and Gunner came out and jumped Storm and took his team's spot. Plus: Who was Storm gonna choose if Gunner didn't show up?

[Big Red Machine]

Lastly, I like Gunner, but I was hella let down to see him as Storm's partner. I'd have liked it better if Crimson and Gunner came out and jumped Storm and took his team's spot. Plus: Who was Storm gonna choose if Gunner didn't show up?

Agreed. The way they did this makes the team feel so random.

[Big Red Machine]

Lastly, I like Gunner, but I was hella let down to see him as Storm's partner. I'd have liked it better if Crimson and Gunner came out and jumped Storm and took his team's spot. Plus: Who was Storm gonna choose if Gunner didn't show up?

Agreed. The way they did this makes the team feel so random.

[badnewzxl]

Lastly, I like Gunner, but I was hella let down to see him as Storm's partner. I'd have liked it better if Crimson and Gunner came out and jumped Storm and took his team's spot. Plus: Who was Storm gonna choose if Gunner didn't show up?

Agreed. The way they did this makes the team feel so random.

inadequately random, too. I said 'wtf? why would he choose Gunner?" wrecking Shark Boy and Robbie E (both of whom I also like) won't get ANYBODY over, lol...

[badnewzxl]

Lastly, I like Gunner, but I was hella let down to see him as Storm's partner. I'd have liked it better if Crimson and Gunner came out and jumped Storm and took his team's spot. Plus: Who was Storm gonna choose if Gunner didn't show up?

Agreed. The way they did this makes the team feel so random.

inadequately random, too. I said 'wtf? why would he choose Gunner?" wrecking Shark Boy and Robbie E (both of whom I also like) won't get ANYBODY over, lol...

[Big Bad Booty Daddy]

Lastly, I like Gunner, but I was hella let down to see him as Storm's partner. I'd have liked it better if Crimson and Gunner came out and jumped Storm and took his team's spot. Plus: Who was Storm gonna choose if Gunner didn't show up?

Agreed. The way they did this makes the team feel so random.

I have a feeling TNA will probs stick the straps on both these two now!!!


I would have been interested to see who Storm would have picked. Obvs no1 that good if Gunner got the nod over him

[Big Bad Booty Daddy]

Agreed, Perkins should have been hired ages ago. Although shame another decent talent in the stupid Suicide gimmick

[badnewzxl]

Agreed, Perkins should have been hired ages ago. Although shame another decent talent in the stupid Suicide gimmick

true