For the wedding, Nattie wraps a bow around her cat’s neck. I’m sure the cat found this horribly embarrassing. Then she put the poor cat in a full nelson. Animal cruelty?
Nattie’s sister is named Muffy. I did not realize that was a real name. I just assumed it was made up for the sake of lesbian porn. Nattie’s parents show up and Nattie’s mother surprises her with a gift: a wedding dress which she sewed herself… and this thing is f*cking hideous. Nattie and her sister go to try it on, and they both talk about how ugly the dress is, and try to come up with a way to not hurt their mother’s feelings.
At the new WWE Performance Center (which they made certain to have Nattie hype up in an aside), Jane Geddes, John Laurinaitis’ successor and a legit golf legend, tells the divas that they are thinking of bringing one or two of the girls in developmental up to the main roster. We get an aside with Nikki who says that she is stressed because of her injury, and that the newbies are hungry to take their spots. Once again, Nikki… you are dating the biggest star in the company, and your sister is dating the second biggest babyface in the company. Unless you start doing heavy drugs or go on a crime spree, your spot is safe.
And does anyone really think that either newbie is ready to be on the main roster? We haven’t even them seen them wrestle yet!
Jane then talks to the newbies and tells them that because of Nikki’s injury, a spot has opened up for some girls to be valets… Okay… but Nikki isn’t a valet, so this doesn’t make any sense!
In an aside, JoJo tells us that she thinks Eva Marie is cocky “just because she has her red hair and her big *BLEEP!*.” Yes. They apparently decided to censor the word “tits.” George Carlin would be proud.
Cena tells Nikki that his family is going to have a reunion for the first time in years and this would be the first time that Nikki could meet them, but because of his WWE schedule, the only day off that Cena has to do this is the day of Nattie’s wedding.
Backstage at an event, some guy who we have never seen before and is apparently a top guy in talent relations is giving them their matches for tonight (and who will be valeting for who). Once again, as someone who knows something about the way things work backstage, I just don’t find this believable at all. Eva Marie is excited, but tells us that she feels like she has to downplay her excitement so as not to make JoJo feel sad.
Nikki tells Nattie that she has to go meet Cena’s family instead of going to the wedding. Nikki feels bad about this. Nattie says it’s okay, but she seems to be upset that Nikki is not following the rule of chicks before dicks.
JoJo and Eva Marie argue because Eva Marie thinks JoJo hasn’t been as nice to her since they got word that Eva Marie will be the valet.
Nattie is sad that Nikki won’t be at the wedding, but Brie comforts her. Nattie says she is feeling overwhelmed by everything. Brie tells Nattie that it is okay to feel like that, and gives her some coping advice: “You just have to stop, take a deep breath, and f*ck everyone. Just f*ck ‘em.” I’m sure she meant “f*ck everyone” as in “don’t care about them,” but it was still an extremely poor choice of words… especially because the event that is overwhelming Nattie is her wedding.
The Bellas and JoJo watch Eva Marie’s valeting job (and the Nattie vs. Naomi match) from backstage, then congratulate them when they get back.
Nikki is nervous about meeting Cena’s family.
Cameron’s stomach is hurting her very badly, so she calls Naomi to come take care of her. Naomi calls an ambulance for her. Apparently it is some lady-problems issue and she needs to go see her gynecologist for an official diagnosis.
Eva Marie and JoJo have a fight.
The bridal party arrives at a mansion where they are going to get their hair done. Nattie tells Naomi and Brie that Jaret (her friend from back home who just recently told her that he loves her and doesn’t want her to marry TJ) will be at the wedding. Brie says that if the pastor says that standard cliché line asking for objections and Jaret stands up, she will give Jaret a dropkick.
So… the beach wedding probably won’t happen because it has started to thunder and lightning less than two hours before the wedding. Nattie is close to having a breakdown. They’re now moving the wedding inside, for safety purposes.
The other cast-members start arriving at the wedding. Eva Marie tells the camera that she and JoJo have agreed to put their differences aside during the wedding. Everyone is surprised that Vincent (Cameron’s obnoxious boyfriend) showed up to the wedding. Apparently he came to visit her in the hospital and they got back together after breaking last episode. Nattie is not happy with this because she doesn’t want to have to deal with them fighting at her wedding.
Nikki meets Cena’s family and loves it. She feels closer to John now, but hopes that she and Nattie will be able to repair their relationship.
TJ is hanging out with Dragon, the Usos, Brie, and Naomi, when Jaret walks in. Jaret tells TJ that he is a very lucky guy and that Nattie is a beautiful girl. TJ looks at him and says “can we have a word outside for a minute”… and I find myself hoping that TJ just puts Jaret in some shoot submission hold right now.
Anyway, apparently TJ didn’t know that Jaret and Nattie had been staying in touch and had dinner a few weeks ago, and he says that he needs to go talk to Nattie about this right now… because it is not appropriate for an engaged woman to even talk to other men without her fiance’s approval because apparently we are now back in the 1500s.
So TJ goes to Nattie and asks everyone else in the room to leave (so this conversation was so private it could not be had in front of their friends… but they were perfectly okay with it being broadcast on worldwide TV?). Nattie is unhappy, and tells TJ that by seeing her in her dress before the wedding, he has “ruined everything about this traditional wedding.” Sorry, Nattie, but you gave up your right to call it a traditional wedding when you decided to have it on the beach instead of in a house of worship. TJ tells Nattie that he is f*cking angry. TJ is acting like a possessive paranoid psycho and tells Nattie that he’s not sure if the wedding will even happen. I do not believe that a single minute of this drama actually occurred.
We then cut to someone announcing “ladies and gentlemen; the wedding is about to commence. Please take your seats. Thank you.” And then I realized that it was Damian Sandow and I totally marked out. I have no idea why.
On an odd note, this show seems to always use people’s legit names, but for Jey Uso and Sandow, they used their ringnames. Kind of weird.
In an aside, Brie tells us that with what she saw of TJ’s reaction to Jaret, she wasn’t sure if the wedding would even happen. With that transition, we flashed to TJ and Nattie’s drama. Nattie is blaming herself for daring to have a conversation with a man who isn’t her fiance. Nattie tells TJ that she told Jaret in no uncertain terms that she loves TJ and only TJ. The happy couple makes up… and just in time for their wedding.
In the next scene we saw Nattie combing Jim Neidhart’s goatee out in preparation for him walking her down the aisle. That was awesome. Significantly less awesome was the fact that Nattie was carrying her f*cking cat with her down the aisle.
At the reception, Nikki calls on Brie’s phone to apologize to Nattie and they make up over the phone. Nattie gives an emotional aside to the camera about how great everything is and how much she loves TJ and what family means, etc. etc. closing the show on a perfect note
Except that this is WWE, so of course no matter what the logical main event should be, John Cena is in the main event instead!
Nikki and Cena talk about how great their relationship is and how rarely they fight, etc. etc. Cena says he is tired of them being in a long distance relationship (which they really aren’t because they are on the road together all the time), so he asks Nikki to move in with him.
That’s right. Cena asking Nikki to move in with him trumps Nattie and TJ ACTUALLY GETTING MARRIED in a wedding they have been building up to all season for the main event of the first season of Total Divas.
Anyway, this episode of Total Divas was pretty boring, but I did learn one important fact about myself that I never realized until I watched it:
Hidden text.
