BRM got so bored he decided to watch more Total Divas

[Big Red Machine]

The show starts off with the Bella Twins calling the people at Pysch about costuming for their upcoming guest appearance. Brie is giving the person their measurements and is ribbing Nikki by telling them that Nikki is fatter than she really is. Remember last season where Brie implied that Nikki was fat and it got Nikki VERY upset? Well apparently not anymore. Good for Nikki. Doesn’t mean Brie isn’t still mean for doing it, though.
They then progress to Nikki wondering what Brie’s orgasm face looks like. EEEEEWWWWW! SHE’S YOUR F*CKING SISTER!

Nikki is moving in with John Cena today, and is worried that she might have brought too much stuff. We’ve seen John Cena’s house on this show before. IT HAS A GIGANTIC INDOOR WATERFALL. I highly doubt that Nikki could possibly bring enough stuff that there wouldn’t be room to store it all.
John and Nikki have decided to give John’s pet fish names that are so obscene they have to be bleeped. Then Nikki unpacks her vibrators right in front of Cena.
We get a random clip of the Bella talking to Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell.
Then Nikki tells Brie about Cena’s elbow injury and that she will be flying to be with Cena for the surgery, so she might be late to their Psych shoot. Brie gets bitchy that her sister has decided to be with her boyfriend while he undergoes surgery. Nikki assures Brie that she can make it to the shoot on time, then tells Nikki to give the giant Cena head painted onto the side of a truck they are standing near a kiss. Brie, who has a boyfriend, climbs up a ladder and gives the picture of her sister’s boyfriend painted on the side of a truck a kiss on the lips. THAT'S F*CKING WEIRD!

Eva Marie tells us that she will do anything to make it in the business. We see clips of the Funkadactyls vs. Layla &AJ, which is mostly AJ kicking their asses. When they get backstage, they talk with the Newbies and Nattie when some WWE executive comes up and asks Eva Marie if she would like to do some “in-ring announcing” on Raw. Nattie explains to us that they let the Divas try out in various roles to find out what they are good at (she is polite enough to not say "because some of these girls really suck in the ring"). Then she cuts a fantastic little promo on Eva Marie, saying that she “thinks she is the cat’s meow, but she is really just a little kitten digging around in the litterbox.” Why don’t they let Nattie cut promos on Raw?

The executive asks Eva Marie for a quick demonstration of her ring announcing skills by asking her to introduce Nattie, right here backstage… and Eva Marie can’t do it. She just says “I’ve never announced before” as if this were something that required a lot of practice.
So Eva Marie finally does it: “Now coming to the ring is the beautiful NATALYA!”
The other Divas laugh at her awfulness. The exec just looks at her and says "without any facts about where she’s from? This is serious time. We cannot have any mistakes. This is live TV."
In an aside, Eva Marie tells us that to be a ring announcer you have to memorize everyone’s hometown, weight, and the entire card. I call BS. There are definitely cards at the time keeper’s table. Nattie warns her that you only get one chance to make a first impression because the WWE fans are very passionate.

We get Nikki telling us about Cena going to the ring and announcing his injury. We then Cena the announcement and Cena introducing Dragon as the man who beat him cleanly, and they use it to make a good segue into Brie talking about how happy she is for Dragon.
Dragon and Brie being cutesy together backstage when the same exec from before tells Dragon that because of Cena’s injury they are using him to fill in for Cena’s media days, and that “it will be a lot more time on the road than we expected” so Brie and Dragon will have to be apart.

Nikki Bella is confused as to what a scrotum is (apparently she thought it was perenium… which would be the taint for you medically uneducated folks). John Cena’s response to this is “I believe that public education has failed you.” Cena goes in for his surgery, and they tease drama that perhaps something is going wrong.

Eva Marie hangs out with Alicia Fox at the WWE Performance Center. Fox tells Eva Marie that she once almost got fired for being a bad ring announcer.

The Bellas are getting makeup done for Psych. Brie informs Nikki that because Cena can’t use his arm after his surgery, she will need to whack him off.
Jimmy Uso is in a car with the Funkadactyls. He farts and then locks the windows.

Eva Marie practices introducing people for the WWE executive from before. She says “coming to the ring is Randy Orton from Los Angeles, California.” Has she never heard a f*cking ring announcer before?! Everyone knows that the hometown comes before the name!
And even if she somehow hadn’t heard a ring announcer before, does she really think she will impress WWE management by sounding like a fifth grader just reading off of a page? She had no volume, no feeling, no anything.
Rather than her terrible delivery, though, the WWE Exec criticizes her for not getting Randy’s hometown right. While obviously that is important, that is the sort of thing that it is easy to correct. A lack of volume or feeling is not. If you had any doubts that this show is all BS, let the next line remove them. The executive tells her that if she doesn’t start to do better, “we’re going to have to go in a different direction.” I highly doubt that line is used in the real world, and especially in the WWE.

Nikki tries to make out with Cena while he is trying to drive. At night. She then tells the camera that Dr. James Andrews was very specific that Cena can’t sweat or get wet for a while, and this was a problem because “ten days without sex? That’s not okay in my book.”

Jimmy Uso’s toenail is funky colors. Naomi scolds him for not taking it to the doctor. She tries to clean some blood off of his toe, but he doesn’t want her to (or something like that). These two manage to make it hilarious. They should be the focus of the show, not the Eva Marie and the Bella Twins.

Dragon and Brie are at home and act like normal people. The first bit of this that I actually believe is real.

Eva Marie is at Raw where she will have to do some ring announcing. Apparently she can’t even pronounce 3MB’s names correctly. But don’t blame her. It’s not like they are on the show every week damn week and she, being an employee of the company, should pay attention to the show and thus know how to pronounce their names… oh. Wait… yeah. She’s f*cked.
Nattie then cuts another awesome little promo on her to the camera. She says that when you’re ring announcing, “no one is asking you to do a moonsault into the crowd. All you have to do is remember a few lines.”
Anyway, Eva sucks as a ring announcer. She's just awful. The way she structured her introduction, it made it seem as if the six man tag team match itself, rather then Usos, weighed 479 lbs. Rather than introducing Justin Gabriel as “their tag team partner” she says that Justin will be “joining them.” She also completely blanks on Jinder Mahal’s name. Nattie remarks that “under pressure, coal needs to turn into a diamond. Eva turned into a big lump of sh*t.” NATTIE NEIDHART FOR THE F*CKING WIN!

Anyway, remember the speech that the WWE Exec gave to Eva in the beginning of the show, saying that this was live TV, so we can’t have any screw-ups? Well there is no footage of this incident anywhere aside from on Total Divas, which is weird when you consider that this all supposedly happened live on Raw, where there should be clips of it all over Youtube. Actually, during the match, the stage says it took place on Superstars. How did no one spot this consistency problem?
Jimmy Uso appears to have hurt his foot during this match. The Funkadactyls talk about his yucky toenail backstage.
The WWE Exec tells Eva Marie that she did a bad job and people, especially Jinder, are upset with her. She says that she knows she messed up “but on the flip side, at least I didn’t cheat.” In other words, “please excuse my incompetence at a simple task because at least I didn’t try to cover said incompetence up.”
Naomi, The Usos, Heath Slater, the referee, and R-Truth examine Jimmy’s injured toe. It's bleeding all over the place.
Eva Marie now has to go confront 3MB. Drew very calmly says “What happened out there? That’s all I want to know.” Jinder, on the other hand, exasperatedly asks “Do you even know my name?” She responds by calling him “Ginger Mahal” which made Heath laugh, while Jinder just gives her a death-stare.
In an aside, Eva Marie tells the camera that Jinder has every right to be upset with her because WWE performers live to hear their names get called on live TV. That’s the first time I’ve ever heard anyone say that. Are you sure that they don’t live to perform for the fans or anything like that?
Jinder reams her out with a speech about respect. She tells the camera that she still feels good about herself because she didn’t “try to manipulate anyone or take any shortcuts” as if that is some sort of accomplishment. YOU FAILED TO DO SOMETHING THAT EVERY F*CKING WWE FAN AROUND THE WORLD COULD DO WITHOUT THINKING… AND YOU HAD AN ENTIRE WEEK TO THINK ABOUT IT!

Nikki Bella dresses like a sexy nurse to try to seduce Cena. Hey Nikki? Remember the part where the doctor said no sex for ten days?

Jimmy Uso & Naomi go to the podiatrist. He says he can treat Jimmy’s toe, but warns them that it could spread to other people. Naomi tells the camera “I am gonna be mad as hell if I’ve got any of that stank fungus on my toes.” She and Jimmy should have their own spin-off.

Brie laments that Dragon’s newfound success means that they never get to see each other. Nikki complains because Cena asks her to sign a cohabitation agreement. She brings up some valid arguments as to why she is pissed about this. She tells the camera “I feel like if I don’t sign this, there is no future for John and I” and that is the cliffhanger we end on.



That WWE/Scooby Doo crossover better come out soon so I don't have to watch Total Divas when I'm bored.