BRM Reviews the 1/2/2014 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

VIDEO PACKAGE FOR MAGNUS- good, aside from the “from the United Kingdom. That means he’s British” line. That was so idiotic. This is not the place for humor.

OPENING SEGMENT- BAD!
Kurt comes out to cut a promo but is quickly interrupted by Bobby Roode. Out of nowhere, Roode assumes that Kurt is about to announce his retirement. Roode demands that Kurt admit that Roode is better than he is. Kurt says that he wants one more match with Roode.
Roode declines the match, unless Angle not only puts his career on the line (I’m pretty sure they said this, but it was never mentioned again on the show), but also vows that he will never accept an induction into the TNA Hall of Fame. Kurt says he’ll accept that stip… but only if the match is in a steel cage. So Roode agrees, and Angle announces that the match will take place at Genesis. If Kurt can book matches, why didn’t he just book a match with Bobby Roode for right now?
First of all, no one gives a sh*t about the TNA Hall of Fame. Secondly, the cage stipulation makes no sense here at all. Thirdly, everyone knows that Kurt Angle isn’t retiring in some random match on free TV (not even TNA is that dumb), so this stipulation does nothing but tell everyone that Kurt is going to win. It would have been much better to have Roode’s stip be exactly what Roode wanted at the beginning of this segment: If Roode wins, Kurt must publically declare that Bobby Roode is a better wrestler than he is.
If you thought TNA would be any different in 2014, you were wrong. Roode tries to sucker-punch Angle, but Kurt blocks it and they have YET ANOTHER F*CKING PULL-APART BRAWL. Then Rockstar Spud comes out and tells them both to get partners so they can have a tag team match tonight.


DIXIE CARTER PROMO- she says Magnus is the perfect champion and he will get a coronation fit for a king. Then someone yells “cut!” and Dixie asks “Am I good?” and someone responds “all good.” This was obviously done to mark a sort of transition between things we were “supposed” to see and things we “weren’t supposed” to see. Unfortunately, the entire concept was totally defeated by the fact that when Dixie walked through a door to go talk to someone, they just cut to a secret spy camera already in place in the next room to see what she was doing!
What she was doing was having someone hand her an anonymous letter that just arrived for her “by courier” (they made sure to mention that multiple times). WHY NOT JUST HAVE THE F*CKING COURIER HAND THE LETTER TO DIXIE AFTER SHE WAS DONE WITH HER PROMO?!
Anyway, the letter says “see you tonight.”

DIXIE WANTS SPUD TO FIND OUT WHO SENT THE LETTER- how the f*ck, exactly, is he supposed to find out who sent an anonymous, typed letter, via hand-delivered courier?

GAIL KIM PROMO- okay. Tapa’s lack of facials in the background were great, though. She has this looked of barely restrained boredom on her face that tells you that she really doesn’t give a f*ck about Gail’s bragging. She just wants to kick asses.

MADISON RAYNE vs. GAIL KIM (w/Lei’D Tapa)- 4/10
For some reason this was billed as an open challenge. Apparently pinning the champion doesn’t earn you a title shot here in TNA. The crowd chanted “you’ve still got it!” at Madison Rayne. WHAT THE F*CK?! She’s only 27 and she’s only been gone for six months! The match was okay. Madison’s win got a HUGE pop.
In order to plug Magnus’ “coronation” Tenay talked about how much Dixie has been talking about it on social media, and the guys in the production truck decided to use the bottom third of the screen to display a week-old Tweet from Dixie… IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MATCH!
On commentary, Taz and Tenay debate whether or not Jeff Hardy is a quitter, and I have to say that I agree with Taz. What Jeff is doing here (just going away until things get more to his liking) really feels a lot like quitting.

SABIN & VELVET BACKSTAGE- Sabin tells Velvet that if she doesn’t do exactly what he says during his match tonight and he doesn’t win the X-Division Title, then he will be leaving the building without her.

KURT ANGLE LOOKS FOR A TAG TEAM PARTER- decent.
He asks Gunner to team with him. Gunner says yes. Then James Storm walks up and says “did you say ‘partner?’ Very interesting.” No, James, it really isn’t.

TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH: Austin Aries(c) vs. Chris Sabin (w/Velvet Sky)- no rating, very good segment.
Aries dominates Sabin the whole match while Velvet refuses to help Sabin. Eventually Velvet gives in and distracts the ref while Sabin kicks Aries in the nuts and rolls him up with a small package to regain the title. Sabin then cuts a promo taking all of the credit.

ROCKSTAR SPUD BACKSTAGE- He is practicing introducing Magnus. Then he gets a phone call from someone with a 678 area code who hangs up on him. Apparently this is the fourth time this has happened today. What was the point of this? Everyone already knows that the person who sent the letter is AJ (no one else makes sense)… but why would AJ be crank calling Spud? And if you are trying to hint that AJ is doing this, maybe you should give the area code for Gainsville and not one for Atlanta!

SAMUEL SHAW vs. NORV FURNAM- squash.
This was described as “the Impact Wrestling debut of Samuel Shaw.” Yes. His debut… aside from the time he was on Gut Check and the time he was in that BFG Series Qualifying Tournament and that Thanksgiving Impact from last year.
Shaw is dressed in his street clothes to wrestle. He’s had gear every other time we’ve seen him. He keeps gesturing at Christy. Christie’s facials were good.

JAMES STORM PROMO- he says that all of his tag team partners change on him, and Gunner is no different. He says he will show Angle that it was a mistake to pick Gunner as his tag partner.

STORM & ROODE BACKSTAGE- very good.
It addressed all of the issues of why these two would team with each other, despite their history. Quite simply, it is better for Roode to accept Storm as his partner than to have Storm out there was his enemy.

KURT ANGLE & GUNNER vs. BEER MONEY- 5.75/10
Good finish, but bad aftermath. Kurt should not be jumping Bobby Roode from behind! He already has his match with Roode.

STING & SPUD BACKSTAGE- Spud accuses Sting of sending the anonymous letter and of calling him often. Sting says that he doesn’t want to talk to Spud, he wants to talk to “Dixie’s lapdog.” Wouldn’t that be Spud?

EC PROMO & SEGMENT WITH STING- EC’s promo was good. He takes credit not only for his BS win over Sting, but also for Jeff Hardy walking away from the company. He demands that Christy introduce Jeff so he can beat Jeff by forfeit. He gets to nine (why he was counting instead of making Hebner count, I’m not sure) but then Sting shows up.
Sting says that Jeff Hardy (who just decided to walk away from his problems) is a man, but that EC III is a little puppy dog. He calls EC III “Dixie’s lapdog.” I don’t think Sting knows what a lapdog is. EC III has been acting with Dixie’s authority, certainly, but he seems to be decently well independent. He is the one making his own decisions. Dixie just gives him the power to do so.
Sting dares EC III to fight him. If you want to fight him so badly, Sting, JUST THROW A PUNCH!
EC III runs away and Sting once again calls him Dixie’s lapdog… and apparently this time it is enough to change his mind. He teases the fight now, but then decides it will happen in two weeks at Genesis. Why did EC III change his mind? He has never cared about the fan’s chanting before?

JOSEPH PARK & EY BACKSTAGE- Joseph says he doesn’t remember ever being Abyss. EY tells him that he has to wrestle Bully Ray because Abyss disappeared two years ago this week after facing Bully Ray. This would be perfectly fine… except that Abyss has showed up a bunch of times since then!
Then Bully Ray comes by and threatens to set Joseph on fire.

BULLY RAY vs. JOSPEH PARK- Bully just kicks him in the nuts. That was good.
Then he douses him in lighter fluid and holds up a lighter to set him on fire. Why did no security or referees or anyone come out to try to stop this?
The problem here was that no one actually believed that Bully would set Joseph on fire, so no one cared (aside from one fat woman in the audience, so props to the director for finding her). Then Anderson came out and Bully squirted him with lighter fluid as well. Bully then held out the lighter towards Anderson… but rather than set fire to either of the two men that he had promised to set ablaze, Bully just walked away. This storyline sucks.

CORONATION OF MAGNUS-
They set the ring up with a red carpet, a giant throne, some British flags… and some random plants and flowers. Spud says that “Dixieland is a place where dream always come true.” This made me laugh, especially because they are taping in Universal.
EC III says that because he won the TNA World Heavyweight Title. Magnus “rules the world.” Yeah. He actually said that. In 2014. Unless they are using this as the basis to bring Sid in to feud with Magnus, there is no reason whatsoever for EC III to say something that idiotic. It is like whenever someone would win the King of the Ring and then immediately become delusional and believe themselves to be the legitimate monarch of the WWE.
Anyway, apparently Dixie is the queen and Magnus is the king… so are they boning now or something?
Then Dixie comes out and cuts a promo. She tells a story about how she stopped reading an article on AJ to go read a six page feature on Magnus while Magnus was still in the UK. Dixie does the standard heel shtick where she claims that Magnus won the title all on his own.
Magnus says that the fans turned their backs on him in favor of guys like Angle, Hardy, etc. He says that he will be World Heavyweight Champion for a very long time.
Then what is apparently Gunner’s music plays and he comes out to maybe cash-in his Feast or Fired briefcase… and they go to commercial.
When we come back, Magnus demands that the bell be rung so he can cash-in his briefcase. Dixie orders the time-keeper to not do it because she says so… and he doesn’t. So I guess these Feast or Fired briefcases only give you your title shot if Dixie decides that she is okay with it. That’s stupid.
Gunner beats EC III and Spud up, but when he goes to face Magnus, the numbers game gets to him. EC III and Spud hold Gunner up so Magnus can hit him with the belt, but AJ Styles shows up and makes the save. Tenay, being a crappy announcers, has to go out of his way to point out to us that “Now it makes sens! Remember the note! Remember the phone calls! That was AJ who said ‘I’ll see you tonight, Dixie.” NO SH*T, MIKE!
Dixie grabs the mic and demands that someone get AJ out of her ring. No referees or security or anyone show up to follow the boss’ orders and try to stop the guy who isn’t on the roster.
Instead of fighting like they appeared to be about to do, they just hold up their titles and stare at each other. AJ indicates that he wants to fight, but Magnus walks away. AJ holds up his title, grabs a mic and says “Dixie, you want your intellectual property?” THE BELT ISN’T INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY! It is a physical object!
AJ says he came back because Dixie screwed the fans by making her world heavyweight champion a farce (and the fans actually chanted “you’re a farce!” at Magnus). AJ says that Magnus isn’t a world champion until he beats the real world champion. Hmm… a guy who never lost the belt and has come back with it, claiming to be the “real world champion” telling the guy who won the tournament for the vacant title that he isn’t a “real world champion” until he beats him. This sounds a lot like that angle that Ring of Honor just did. Hey! Isn’t AJ going to be wrestling for Ring of Honor this weekend?

It took them forever to actually get around to just announcing this f*cking match... and the match will happen NEXT WEEK! That’s right, everyone. ONE F*CKING WEEK OF BUILD UP! And the match will air on free TV on a show taped over a month ago. Way to go there, TNA. You really did a better job with this than WWE did!
Dixie apparently doesn’t want to this match to happen, basically crapping on Magnus. Yeah, apparently not even kayfabe Dixie Carter is buying Magnuys as a champion. Magnus tells Dixie that he doesn’t want anyone to ever doubt his title reign again. Well then why did you ally yourself with Dixie and take the heelish victory in the first place?! This leads to friction between Magnus and Dixie (they can’t even go through ONE SHOW TOGETHER without already having problems) and Magnus demands that Dixie give AJ a one-night-only contract so they can have this match.
Dixie says that if Magnus loses, she will have “nothing.” Right. Because it’s not she has a whole bunch of talented wrestlers on her roster, an internationally broadcast TV show, and some other champions. But even ignoring that, there is a clear #1 contender to the TNA World Heavyweight Title. Maybe Dixie could have Gunner cash in on AJ if AJ wins, like Vince had Del Rio try to do to Punk. Or she could just offer the title to Gunner because he is the #1 contender (like Elgin turned down).
But let’s say she is angry at Gunner for trying to ruin tonight’s festivities and doesn’t want to reward him. What would happen if AJ Styles were to win the TNA World Heavyweight Title and walk out of the company? Geez. That’s some pretty novel ground right there. I can’t recall anything like that ever happening before, and certainly not in the past three months. OOH! I have an idea. Maybe Dixie could announce a tournament to crown a new TNA World Heavyweight Champion! Wait. No. TNA would NEVER do that!
Sorry for the side rant, but I REALLY f*cking hate it when people ignore well known and obvious historical precedent (like any time a #1 contendership match would go to a double-count out and Taz and Tenay would scream “oh no! What can we possibly do?” when everyone knows that the f*cking obvious solutions would be to just book a rematch or give them title shots, because that is always what happens in these situations). For Dixie to scream that she would have “nothing” if AJ wins the title and walks out of the company during a segment that started as a “coronation” for guy who just won a tournament for the title that had become vacant after AJ Styles won the title and talked out of the company absolutely infuriates me.

Anyway, another crappy Impact. Things aren’t looking any better in 2014.

[KILLdozer]

So AJ Styles was really there. Just, not even days after all the article's, videos about frustrations over fans thinking the whole thing was staged. Man, I was really hoping it was legit just so they'd stop it already; the whole ordeal.

[Big Red Machine]

So AJ Styles was really there. Just, not even days after all the article's, videos about frustrations over fans thinking the whole thing was staged. Man, I was really hoping it was legit just so they'd stop it already; the whole ordeal.

This was taped over a month ago, Dozer.

Hidden text.

AJ leaving the company is 100% legit. He loses to Magnus on next week's show.

[KILLdozer]

Ah yes. I've read so many spoilers in recent past and am so detached from this scene it's not even an effort made to keep up really, just a read here and there.

[cero2k]

MADISON RAYNE vs. GAIL KIM (w/Lei’D Tapa)- 4/10
For some reason this was billed as an open challenge.

this made me think, how long ago has it been since they stopped doing gut check and open fight night?

SAMUEL SHAW vs. NORV FURNAM- squash.
This was described as “the Impact Wrestling debut of Samuel Shaw.” Yes. His debut… aside from the time he was on Gut Check and the time he was in that BFG Series Qualifying Tournament and that Thanksgiving Impact from last year.
Shaw is dressed in his street clothes to wrestle. He’s had gear every other time we’ve seen him. He keeps gesturing at Christy. Christie’s facials were good.

different guy, that other guy in gut check was called Sam Shaw, and he definitely didn't dress up as nice as Samuel