BRM Reviews the 2/9/2016 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- awesome!
Tyrus is back on babysitting duty.
Matt claimed that his Matt Hardy Brand is more valuable than the Impact Wrestling brand… and based on what TNA usually draws vs. what OMEGA draws, Matt’s probably right. The rest of Matt’s promo felt like a watered down, more generic version of the stuff he was doing in his ROH run.
Tyrus asked the fans if they wanted to see EC III. They said they did. Tyrus told them that they had “a better chance of Winston Churchill’s fat ass riding in on a unicorn than” than Ethan showing up tonight. OUT-F*CKING-STANDING! Tyrus continued to cut a promo which totally awesome. Reby’s promo was also good. I particularly got a kick out of her calling Matt the “most sexy man alive” being met with loud boos, which is quite the amusing contrast to when Matt used to take his shirt off and the teenage girls in the crowd would go nuts.

The poor UK fans are chanting “WE WANT JEFF!” Well, if you want Jeff, you’re going have to lobby your local MP to make some changes to British law, guys.
Anyway, this was three awesome heel promos. The bad news is that they ended this with Matt talking a lot about dealing with Dixie, demanding that she fire EC III, which is something that we all know won’t happen, so all of the time that they spend on it (and with both Matt and Dixie involved, you know that will be a lot) will be a huge waste.

There is an idiot in the first row who, at some point in his life, purchased and Eric Young “fear the beard” shirt instead of a Daniel Bryan one. This person is a moron.

SHOPTNA.COM COMMERCIAL- Madison Rayne and… Rebel?... I think?... are going to engage in some manner of whipped cream eating contest. This somehow entitles us all to 35% off.

Speaking of wasting TV time on Dixie, here they had to show us an establishing shot of her showing up to the arena, as if we wouldn’t just assume she’s already there.

BOBBY LASHLEY vs. BRAM (w/Eric Young)- 4.25/10
Josh Mathews called EY and Bram the “treacherous terror twins.” I swear to G-d he actually said that! I couldn’t stop laughing for an entire minute. He also said that this match was “a match made in an evil mastermind.” What?
They showed us a pre-tape of EY and Bram backstage where Bram was horribly overacting. Please, TNA: no more “crazy” characters. Okay? Please?
Lashley is wearing a headband (like one that keeps sweat out of your eyes, not like the kind that Bayley wears), and he looks really silly. The match was eh, with pointless overbooking at the end (well… I assume it’s pointless because I doubt they are going to break up EY and Bram).

MATT, REBY & TYRUS BACKSTAGE- meh.
They say Dixie is a pushover.
Tyrus, the hired security, has hired some additional hired security. Then he tells them to come with him and they go somewhere else, meaning that they are no longer guarding Matt from a possible attack by EC III. Then again, maybe their plan is to trick EC III into attacking Matt when the baby is in the room and that’s how they’ll get him fired. (Too soon for an Awesome Kong joke?)

KURT ANGLE, BENNETT & MARIA SEGMENT- great!
He is interrupted by Maria. You know who could actually benefit from a win over Kurt on Kurt’s way out? Mike Bennett. A lot more than Lashley or Galloway or Roode. Hopefully this interaction leads to Bennett attacking Kurt a few times over the next few weeks to get him to agree to a match.

BEER MONEY BACKSTAGE ANTICS- stupid. I mean really! Which idiot says “I have a great idea: Let’s have Beer Money act like complete and total clowns, then have them go out to challenge for the tag titles!”

TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH: Trevor Lee(c) (w/Shane Helms) vs. Tigre Uno- 4/10
There was no mention of this match whatsoever before it happened, and Tigre Uno didn’t even get an entrance.
They were having what seemed like it was on course to be a really good match but then it just abruptly ended.

BEER MONEY & DECAY SEGMENT- didn’t like it at all.
Roode & Storm call out The Wolves but Decay show up instead. I am not into this “Decay” thing at all. Rosemary’s dialogue sounded like- and was delivered like- lines in a play, as opposed to something a real person would say. “Won’t you join us down the primrose path to decay. Decay. DECAY!”
Give me a f*cking break.
Roode then decides that he’d rather have a match against Decay than wait for the Wolves to come out here for the tag title match that Beer Money are completely and perfectly entitled to.

BEER MONEY vs. DECAY (w/Rosemary)- 5/10
Wow. Someone actually got DQed for pulling the ref out of the ring… and it happened in TNA of all places! And in an Abyss match no less! Abyss pulled out Janice but the Wolves came out to make the save. The Wolves cut a promo. They need to stop saying “Wolves Nation.” They offer Decay a title shot in order to get physical possession of the belts back. Abyss wants the match to take place next week, and wants it to be a Monster’s Ball match. Yup. Third match in the feud and they’re already doing a Monster’s Ball even though they just did a Hardcore War last week. This company has no idea how to make its gimmick matches mean anything.

REBY SKY TALKS TO DIXIE CARTER- Reby starts of by trying to flatter Dixie, saying that Dixie has “succeeded where others have failed.” I laughed uproariously at the notion that TNA is a “success.” She tried to tell Dixie that she should fire EC III.
This was a complete and total waste of time.

WHAT F*CK?! GRADO IS BACK?! BOOOO! GET HIM OUT OF HERE! And someone fire JB for giving him a mic! He’s not a TNA employee! Why is security not out here, trying to tackle this doofus?
He claims to have “proof” that he was screwed. Eli Drake came out with security and only at Eli’s command did security hop to it and actually do their f*cking jobs. Then they just stopped doing their jobs and let Grado punch Drake. This sucks. Grado was fired and should remain fired forever.

DREW GALLOWAY PROMO- very good.

MADISON RAYNE vs. JADE (w/the Dollhouse)- 4.25/10
Velvet is not out here with Madison because apparently she got taken out a few weeks ago. I have no memory of this whatsoever. The match was fine, but I wish it would have been longer.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Dollhouse attacks Madison after the match but Gail Kim coms out to make the save because we can’t have anything new in this division. Josh asks if Madison and Gail might team up to fight the Dollhouse as if this didn’t happen just a few weeks ago.

GRADO INTERRUPTS BILLY CORGAN- THEY STILL HAVEN’T CAUGHT HIM YET?!
So they finally catch him and then Eli Drake punches the defenseless Grado right in face. I have decided that it will now be official BRM Reviews policy that any time Grado gets punched in the face, the segment will automatically be rated as “fantastic.”

KURT ANGLE vs. DREW GALLOWAY- 7.75/10
I’m just so numb to finisher kickouts in Kurt Angle matches at this point. Galloway wins with the Border City Stretch, so I guess that’s going to be a new finisher for him now. I wish the match had gone more than sixteen minutes. Kurt’s farewell tour has yet to have the truly epic match it deserves.

MATT HARDY DEMANDS THAT DIXIE FIRE ETHAN- great!
They’re getting the “WHAT?!” treatment.
Matt was really good here with his yelling at Dixie while still coming across as almost reasonable, bringing up legitimate reasons why maybe Ethan should have been fired before. Spud came out and tried to plead with Matt to not be a heel. Matt tried to convince Spud to help him convince Dixie to fire Ethan for all of the terrible things he did to Spud.
Spud insulted Matt so Tyrus hit him from behind and then hit him with what I assume is his finisher. Matt yelled at Dixie to fire EC III some more, but then Ethan showed up, took his shirt off and ran wild. All great stuff, although I could have done without Dixie creepily cradling Spud in her arms like an oversized child and crying over him.

A pretty good show from TNA, but mostly for the opening segment and then the last half hour. Also the part where Grado got punched in the face. That part was my favorite.

[cero2k]

BEER MONEY & DECAY SEGMENT- didn’t like it at all.
Roode & Storm call out The Wolves but Decay show up instead. I am not into this “Decay” thing at all. Rosemary’s dialogue sounded like- and was delivered like- lines in a play, as opposed to something a real person would say. “Won’t you join us down the primrose path to decay. Decay. DECAY!”
Give me a f*cking break.
Do they look like normal people? why would they say something like a normal person?

REBY SKY TALKS TO DIXIE CARTER- Reby starts of by trying to flatter Dixie, saying that Dixie has “succeeded where others have failed.” I laughed uproariously at the notion that TNA is a “success.” She tried to tell Dixie that she should fire EC III.
This was a complete and total waste of time.
well, she IS the only female promoter in the world with a television show



MADISON RAYNE vs. JADE (w/the Dollhouse)- 4.25/10
Velvet is not out here with Madison because apparently she got taken out a few weeks ago. I have no memory of this whatsoever.
Last week. After the Sky vs Kong match, Sky took a package piledriver and a splash from Kong while they made Madison watch

Also the part where Grado got punched in the face. That part was my favorite.
why do you hate nice things!?

[Big Red Machine]

BEER MONEY & DECAY SEGMENT- didn’t like it at all.
Roode & Storm call out The Wolves but Decay show up instead. I am not into this “Decay” thing at all. Rosemary’s dialogue sounded like- and was delivered like- lines in a play, as opposed to something a real person would say. “Won’t you join us down the primrose path to decay. Decay. DECAY!”
Give me a f*cking break.
Do they look like normal people? why would they say something like a normal person?
Okay... but then let them be crazy like Abyss crazy, or crazy that fits in with Crazzy Steve's previous crazy(z?)iness. Not crazy like "here is the (supposedly) dramatic ending to my one-person stage show at community theater." She didn't feel like a person anymore. She felt like a character on TV. In my book, that's not good.

REBY SKY TALKS TO DIXIE CARTER- Reby starts of by trying to flatter Dixie, saying that Dixie has “succeeded where others have failed.” I laughed uproariously at the notion that TNA is a “success.” She tried to tell Dixie that she should fire EC III.
This was a complete and total waste of time.
well, she IS the only female promoter in the world with a television show
And this is what she does with it? If I were a woman I'd be horrified at the fact that Dixie Carter was representing me.


MADISON RAYNE vs. JADE (w/the Dollhouse)- 4.25/10
Velvet is not out here with Madison because apparently she got taken out a few weeks ago. I have no memory of this whatsoever.
Last week. After the Sky vs Kong match, Sky took a package piledriver and a splash from Kong while they made Madison watch
Well then they should have shown a replay. Or at least had Josh specify exactly what happened. And make sure he gets his timeline correct.

Also the part where Grado got punched in the face. That part was my favorite.
why do you hate nice things!?
I don't. Ergo, I hate Grado. Even worse, this now has me concerned that whatever "proof" Grado has will invole a revelation that Eli Drake swapped their breifcases (otherwise, why would Drake be trying to silence him? Also, it makes that segment where Eli Drake peaked inside his case have some sort of purpose), and if I have to lose Eli Drake in exchange for Grado, I will be very unhappy.