BRM Reviews the 10/27/2016 Impact (almost good)

[Big Red Machine]

MATT HARDY & HIS BROKEN CREW F*CK AROUND IN A CORN MAZE- why am I watching this on a wrestling show?
Oh. It’s because Matt had a premoneeeeetion. Tonight an outsider will show up on “the Sacred Lawn of Deletion and deliver a message that is very looming.” Apparently tonight is “treat or delete.” I, too, have had a premonition, which is that I will not be able to delete! Delete! Delete! this from my DVR quickly enough.

ETHAN CARTER III & JESSE GODDERZ vs. ELI DRAKE & ARON REX- 6.25/10
Over the past few weeks we’ve had Eddie Edwards win the world title, Moose vs. Lashley in a #1 contendership match, and Cody Rhodes both making his in-ring debut and challenging for the world title… and the only match that gets anywhere close to fifteen minutes is this random undercard tag team match? REALLY, TNA?
Three weeks ago Aron Rex was a complete and total babyface, and now he has already progressed to devious foreign object-hiding heel. That seems like a pretty fast change.

MARIA PROMO- great. So was Maria running away from Brandi when she showed up. Maria is so f*cking great.

JB INTERVIEWS GRADO- Halloween is my least favorite holiday (if you want your kid to have candy, why don’t you buy it?), so of course it’s Grado’s favorite (as if that fat gut didn’t give it away). We are promised that Grado will dress up as someone he “greatly admires” later tonight. I hope the person he great admires is Adolf Hitler so TNA will finally be forced to fire him and I’ll never have to see him again.

MATT HARDY RUINS HALLOWEEN BY GIVING CHILDREN GREEN BEANS- pointless and stupid but at least I have an idea for next year. This year I set out a big bowl of raisins with a sign instructing trick-or-treaters to “TAKE ONLY ONE.”

I am the Halloween Grinch!

ROCKSTAR SPUD PROMO- good

GRADO BULLSH*T- he is dressed as himself, because he’s a tool. He wants Robbie E to come out with him so Robbie finally does. Grado says he wants to be “a Bro-Man.” He runs off backstage and comes back dressed as Robbie. This is atrocious and disgusting.
They got jumped by the Masked Clock People, who can also now teleport. They beat the sh*t out of both of these guys. I enjoyed it tremendously- especially the part where Grado ate a piledriver. I’d say something about it making no sense that no security showed up to save these guys, but it’s Grado so I assume that rather than going to save him, they went to go make some popcorn to eat while watching the beating.

ALLIE MEETS WITH BILLY CORGAN EARLIER TODAY- Corgan looks like an old creeper staring at the young blonde woman. He tells her that “Maria doesn’t make matches around here anymore; I do.” WELL THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP HER LAST WEEK? Why let us all go on for a week thinking this match was going to happen if isn’t officially booked?
Other than that, this segment was meh. Corgan came off as condescending. Of course Allie realizes that wrestling is tough! She’s wrestled before! Allie’s performance was good, although I found the idea of her being starstruck upon seeing Corgan to be obnoxious and self-aggrandizing on Corgan’s part.
Anyway, Allie wants the match so Corgan grants it.

TEAM X GOLD MATCH: DJ Zema Ion, Braxton Sutter, & Mandrews vs. Rockstar Spud & Decay- 2/10
Sutter is waving this big black flag with a gold “X” outlined in red and the word “team” in white letters across it, which Josh tells us is the “Team X Gold Flag.” Yeah. Because this stupid gimmick needed its own f*cking FLAG.
The babyface team is now called “Go For Broke” because apparently that was necessary.

CODY AND BRANDI RHODES PROMO- great stuff.

EDDIE-LASHLEY CONTRACT SIGNING- GREAT segment!

LAUREL VAN NESS & BRAXTON SUTTER BACKSTAGE- Laurel wants to bang Braxton.

MORE MATT HARDY SILLINESS- they are dicks to The Hurricane. And yes, I mean “The Hurricane,” not Gregory Shane Helms.
Then Fast-Talking Wacky Purple Aviator Jeff Hardy made his return and was extremely annoying.

MORE HARDYS STUPIDITY- I came to watch professional wrestling, not crazy douchebags doing lawn art.

LAUREL VAN NESS vs. ALLIE- 3.5/10
Laurel wins clean, which was the right finish.

THE HARDYS ATTEMPT POLITICAL HUMOR- did you guys know that Donald Trump wants to build a wall and that Hillary Clinton lost some emails? LOL. Because we haven’t been hearing jokes based around those premises for an entire year now.

JESSE GODDERZ & ARON REX BACKSTAGE- fine

THE HARDYS GET A MESSAGE FROM THE EVIL CLOCK PEOPLE- Yeah. Because this wasn’t totally worth sitting through all of those other stupid segments. Also, apparently these guys are called the “DCC” and want the tag titles.

MIKE & MARIA CUT A PROMO- great

MIKE BENNETT & MARIA KANELLIS BENNETT vs. CODY & BRANDI RHODES- 5.75/10
Good match but the women’s side of the finish looked really ugly.

LASHLEY ATTACKS CODY BACKSTAGE- why?

A fine show from TNA but it could have been much better if they had cut out the bullsh*t.