BRM Reviews the 5/2/2013 Impact (steaming pile of sh*t)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- Hogan realizes that he screwed up by being so angry at Sting and kicking him off of Impact… but, for some reason, he has decided to wait an entire week, before telling Sting this. Then Sting asks Hogan to make a six man tag team match for next week pitting a team of his choosing against Aces & Eights “because we’ve got to try to get rid of Aces & Eights now.”
Well if you need to get rid of them “now” why the f*ck are you waiting until next week to make the match? Hogan then says that he needs to figure out who is getting the World Heavyweight Title shot at Slammiversary by the end of the night. Why finding this out by the end of the night is so imperative was never explained. Hell, last year Hogan waited until ten days before the show to name a challenger! Now the PPV is a month out!
Matt Morgan comes out, presuming that Hogan is about to give the title shot to Sting and runs his mouth. Hogan says that he has learned his lesson from Bully Ray and that everyone will have to earn things, so the #1 contender at Slammiversary will be the winner of tonight’s main event: Sting vs. Matt Morgan. This would be good, in theory, if either of these guys had beaten anyone of consequence recently. Yes, it is less sh*tty than giving someone a title shot just because, but it’s really not that much better if JUST ONE WIN (especially over someone else who hasn’t won much recently) is enough to earn a title shot.

Tenay says Sting coming back and beating up Aces & Eights was “one of the most memorable moments in the history of Impact Wrestling.” No, Mike. It wasn’t. Do you know why? Because this is about the ninety-third time we have seen Sting come back and beat up a large group of heels!

Okay, Kurt Angle’s “cyborg” nickname needs to go. Calling him a “wrestling machine” is great. Calling him a cyborg sounds so stupid! He is an awesome wrestler, not Steve Austin (no, not THAT Steve Austin! I mean that he isn’t the Six Million Dollar Man).

Fair warning: if Sabin gets hurt tonight, I will be making a Kevin Nash joke.
WINNER BECOMES #1 CONTENDER TO THE X-DIVISION TITLE: Sonjay Dutt vs. Zema Ion vs. Chris Sabin- 4.25/10
Look, I like Sabin as much as everyone else, but it is ridiculous for him to return to TV and just get thrown into a #1 contender’s match (especially with the way the last title match ended, which was designed to make us feel that Petey Williams was robbed of the title… and Petey isn’t even in this match!

Going to the referee cam while the ref was counting a pin almost made me nauseous. Too much shaking.

ROBBIE E. & JESSIE GODDERZ BACKSTAGE- they are going to recruit Joey Ryan and face Rob Terry in a handicap match. Can we please end this feud?

ACES & EIGHTS BACKSTAGE- HORRIBLE!
Bully makes a big deal about how he was to worry about having to face Sting or Morgan, but then says that he is confident he can beat either one. So why make such a big deal out of being worried? He then says that Kurt Angle has been a thorn in their ass, then we get some overacting by Garrett and Wes each vying to be the guy who gets to take on Kurt. D’Lo instead steps up and says he will take on Kurt.

HANDICAP MATCH: Rob Terry vs. Jessie Godderz, Robbie E. & Joey Ryan- 2/10
Look, if they want to have Robby Terry squash losers like Robbie E. or Jessie Godderz every week, that would get old after a while but I wouldn’t mind. What really annoys me is when they waste the talents of a guy like Joey Ryan in a sh*tty feud like this which has no chance of going anywhere or helping him get over.

TAG TEAM TITLES SEGMENT- not so good. The stuff between Bad Influence and Roode & Aries was okay, not great. The best moment here was Chavo coming out and saying “all you guys ever do is talk” and which point of the guys in the ring said “at least we’re good at it.” Chavo then comes out and says that, for no reason whatsoever, he and Hernandez went to Hogan and got Hogan to name James Storm as Special Guest Referee in next week’s tag team title #1 contendership match. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the absolute definition of an entirely unnecessary gimmick.

TARA & GAIL BACKSTAGE- eh

CHRIS SABIN PROMO- decent

I QUIT MATCH: Kurt Angle vs. D’Lo Brown- 6.25/10
Some good stuff, but nothing great. Aces & Eights just standing there and not helping D’Lo at all was extremely out of character. None of the babyfaces showing up to fight Aces & Eights is par for the course, but only because this feud is has been booked moronically. I guess that means they are dumping D’Lo.

KURT ANGLE CALLS OUT AJ STYLES- Kurt wants a decision from AJ by next week. This segment would have been decent, except that the last time someone gave AJ one week to decide which side he was on, we got no resolution to this, so why should we think there will be any resolution this time?

MATT MORGAN PROMO- great! I swear, if Morgan loses this match, I will throw something.

GAIL KIM & TARA vs. TARYN TERRELL & MICKIE JAMES- 3.25/10
The heels jump the babyfaces after the match and Gail hits Taryn with Eat Defeat then locks her in a figure four around the ringpost.

ACES & EIGHTS BACKSTAGE- Aces & Eights is a brotherhood and when you ride with Aces & Eights, you never walk alone… BUT THAT MOTHERF*CKER D’LO LOST ONE G-D DAMN WRESTLING MATCH! WHAT A PIECE OF SH*T HE IS!
Yeah, I know he “swore on his colors” that he would win the match but COME ON! It’s Kurt f*cking Angle! And not only that, but Bully was the one who brought up the concept of swearing on his colors! He had just “guaran-damn-teed” a victory. What did Bully expect D’Lo to say? That he guaranteed a victory but wouldn’t swear it on his colors?
So now they are all pissed at D’Lo and Bubba says he will deal with him the next week. The problem with this is that this whole thing is an attempt to create some drama by showing one of the Aces & Eights members possibly getting in trouble with the group… which would be fine, except that the last two times they did this, absolutely nothing came of it! Aces & Eights will just tell D’Lo that he has to hit someone with a hammer or something. Nothing we haven’t seen before and nothing that Aces & Eights couldn’t have done anyway.

BOBBY ROODE PROMO- decent

While Morgan was on his way to the ring, Tenay talked up this whole thing about Hogan saying that there won’t be any hand-outs in TNA anymore and that making this #1 contendership match is a sign of this… and it really annoys me because TNA seems to be missing a MAJOR point: Earning a title shot shouldn’t be as simple as just winning one match. You need to earn you way into #1 contendership matches by picking up wins!

WINNER GETS A TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE SHOT AT SLAMMIVERSARY: Matt Morgan vs. Sting- 5/10


CRASH!


That was the sound of me throwing something.
This was nowhere near good enough for a main event. Typical WAY past his prime Sting match. Morgan passes out from Sting’s sh*ttly applied Scorpion Deathlock. At least they didn’t have Morgan tap. After the match the Aces & Eights show up and surround the ring. You would think that they would want to take this opportunity to get revenge on the guy who beat them up with a baseball bat last week and who is going to be challenging their president for the World Heavyweight Title that they planned and worked so hard to obtain… but no. They just all stand there while Bully shouts at Sting.

An utterly horrible episode of Impact. Not even the segment between Bad influence, Roode, and Aries was good. That should tell you how bad this episode was. A steaming pile of sh*t.