BRM Reviews the 3/31/2014 Raw

[Big Red Machine]

TAKER PROMO- okay. It was weird hearing The Undertaker say the word "taxes." The Brock and Heyman came out and cut a promo. Then Brock and Taker have a very short brawl, ending in Brock giving Taker an F-5 for some much-needed heat.

BIG E. LANGSTON vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO- 6/10
Very good for the time it was given, but why did Big E. have to lose? It is just a nothing match so that the announcers can talk about the Andre Battle Royale. If it doesn't matter who wins or loses, why would you have the champion lose?

The announcers keep talking up the Wyatt's actions from last week as being "disturbing"... but all they did was tie Cena up and put a lamb mask on this face. When I think "disturbing" I think the stuff Orton did during his feud with Triple H in the winter of 2009, or some of the stuff Steen used to do in 2010. Not "put a mask on someone."

BRAY WYATT PROMO- AWESOME!

CLIP OF NATTIE & SUMMER RAE FROM TOTAL DIVAS- HORRIBLE
Apparently Summer has no friends. Nattie says this is because she has no respect. Summer says Nattie is just mean to new girls. Then Nattie responds by saying "There is a reason why you have gotten any reaction on TV. You come out there and you practically wear nothing! Divas are role models. You're on the verge of being a stripper."
Really, Nattie? Tell me which one of these sounds more like a stripper outfit to you? A short dress used for ballroom dancing? Or a get-up with heart-shaped cut-outs on the ass and tits?
Also, Summer's heel antics get good reactions, so Nattie is even more clearly wrong... and even if they didn't, why would you bury Summer like this?
And to top this stupidity off, Summer slaps Nattie in the face, and Nattie responds by shoving her, and yelling at Summer to leave her house. I've seen a lot of sh*t in WWE (especially on Total Divas) that I do not believe for a second would actually happen in real life, but this might be the least believable of them all. Is there anyone here who doesn't believe that if this had happened for real, they would still be scraping little bits of Summer Rae off of Nattie and TJ's front walk?

SUMMER RAE vs. NATALYA- 2.5/10
Summer Rae has a theme song that is not her NXT theme. BOOOOO!
Apparently the big Vickie Guerrero Clusterf*ck match will be the first time the Divas Title is defended at Wrestlemania. What a prestigious title it must be, to have been left off of the FIRST FIVE WRESTLEMANIAS AFTER IT WAS CREATED. Speaking of that match, Vickie informs us that it will be one fall to a finish. A "Fatal Fourteen-Way," if you will. WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?! Especially on a show where you already have a giant 30-person match going on!
The match was good for the time it got, but with the way things go in, WWE, I don't think anyone really thought Summer Rae had a chan-WHAT?! HOLY SH*T! SUMMER RAE JUST BEAT NATTIE CLEAN!

AUTHORITY, BATISTA, & ORTON SEGMENT- very good
Hunter & Steph cut awesome promos with an awesome video package. Then Batista came out (even managing to get a pop in his home town) and had some good lines. Then Orton came out and sucked up to Hunter & Steph a bit. Then Hunter made Orton vs. Batista for tonight a No DQ's match.

THE USOS & LOS MATADORES vs. CURTIS AXEL,RYBACK, & THE REAL AMERICANS (w/Zeb Coulter)- 6.75/10
LOUD dueling chants of "WE THE PEOPLE!" and "LET'S GO USOS!" Lots of good action, too.

THE RHODES BROTHERS vs. DAMIEN SANDOW & FANDANGO (w/Summer Rae)- 3.75/10

SHIELD PROMO- great

BRAY WYATT (w/the Wyatt Family) vs. R-TRUTH (w/Xavier Woods)-3.25/10
Wyatts beat Woods up after the match. Cena makes the save by goofily sneaking up behind them in a lamb mask. They have now turned the previously scary lamb mask into a joke. Just have him run out and save Woods like a good babyface! It's not that difficult!

LUMBERJILL MATCH: AJ Lee vs. Naomi- DUD!
I feel kind of bad giving this a dud because the stuff AJ and Naomi did in the ring wasn't bad at all. The problems that this match had were all creative, but they were so bad that they totally ruined the match for me.
So we have a (completely un-hyped) gimmick match. They mad it a Lumberjill match because last week AJ intentionally got counted out to retain the title, so this week the Lumberjills are in place to stop her. On the surface, this seems like a good idea, right?
WRONG!
1. Last week, the title was on the line. This week it isn't so this doesn't get Naomi the fair chance at the title she has earned, thus defeating the purpose of doing AJ vs. Naomi in a Lumberjill match.
2. When the heel through the babyfaces out, the other babyfaces did nothing at all (basically breaking the rules), so when AJ went out to throw Naomi back in herself (you know... that thing the babyfaces are supposed to be doing), the babyfaces all ganged up on her, leaving a million to one.
3. When Tamina stepped in to protect AJ on the outside, the babyfaces all started beating up on Tamina, leaving Tamina to valiantly fight against overwhelming odds.
4. Then they also started beating on AJ right in front of the ref, and there was no DQ.
Basically, they had an unhyped gimmick match in a situation that made the title look unimportant and then had the babyfaces act like heels and the heels act like babyfaces.
If they wanted to get all of the Divas on Mania, the pieces were in place to book this exact match, but for the title, and put the belt on Naomi at Mania, as had been planned. This makes me think that the only reason they are doing this big clusterf*ck instead was as an excuse to put Brie in the match so she and Dragon can both win the belts at Mania and then get married as champs on Total Divas (STEALING MY F*CKING IDEAS! GRRRRR!)

JOHN CENA PROMO- at times it felt a lot more like a speech than a promo, but I liked it


ROMAN REIGNS vs. KANE- no rating. okay segment.
They have a short but hard-hitting match. The New Age Outlaws come down the ramp, but Rollins and Ambrose jump them from behind (boo), then attack Kane, causing a DQ. Screw this heel sh*t! They're supposed to be babyfaces now!

PIPER'S PIT SEGMENT- crap.
Did we get a longer version of this same exact segment on Miz TV recently? With that segment, at least everyone came out to plead their case. Here a few guys came out, then a brawl started. Then all the other guys ran in just because. Big Show stands tall at the end of the night.
Okay... so if I just saw all of the guys in the battle royale do a battle royale right here, why should I want to see it at the PPV?

NO DISQUALIFICATIONS MATCH: Randy Orton vs. Batista- no rating. GREAT segment.
DRAGON BEATS UP EVERYONE!

Overall, the Wrestlemania go-home show hit all of the points it needed to, but I really didn’t like the way they did it in most cases.