BRM Watches Total Divas... and it Doesn't Suck This Time!

[Big Red Machine]

NATTIE & NAOMI IN A BAR- Nattie confides that she and TJ are not having their standard fun-time anymore. Then she teases Jimmy Uso and Naomi about not getting married yet.

EVA’S HUSBAND RUSHES HER TO THE HOSPITAL- her stomach is swelling, she is in a lot of pain, and apparently she is peeing blood. None of these are good.

NATTIE, NIKKI, & CAMERON MEET FOR BREAKFAST-
Apparently Nattie does not know what doggy-style is. OH COME ON! She has been in the wrestling business for almost fifteen years. No one in the world will possibly believe that she doesn’t know what doggy-style is. Brie shows up, then Dragon shows up. They tease Nattie some more and Nikki tells a story about watching her dogs have sex when she was a child and how they were “stuck together for like an hour.” Dragon incredulously responds “are you telling me that dog semen is like glue?”
Thankfully they ended this here and cut away to more establishing shots of Baltimore.

JIMMY & NAOMI WAKE UP IN A HOTEL AND CUDDLE- they decide to get married in a small, private ceremony in Hawaii. Apparently Jimmy and Rikishi aren’t getting along or something, so Jimmy does not want to invite him to the wedding. Naomi asks Jimmy to invite him anyway, and Jimmy agrees.

EVA MARIE SEES THE DOCTOR- they need to do a pelvic sonogram right away. She has an ovarian cyst which ruptured. She needs to stay in bed and heal.

They make sure to get clips of Flair on TV from Old School Raw.
Jimmy and Naomi talk about asking Rikishi to the wedding. Naomi is afraid that Jimmy doesn’t want to invite Rikishi to the wedding because RIkishi might have a problem with the fact that she isn’t Samoan. RIkishi says he wants them to be happy. Naomi does most of the talking. Whether or not he will attend the wedding was unclear.

EVA’S FOLLOW-UP WITH THE DOCTOR- Apparently she has a misshaped uterus. She made sure to put WWE over in an aside for being so nice and giving her time off to heal.

NIKKI, NATTIE, & CAMERON AT THE GYM- more talk about Natite not knowing what doggy-style is. Cameron decides to send them to the sex therapist that she and her boyfriend visited last season.
The result of this is an appointment being made for the therapist to come visit Nattie and TJ. Natite admits that maybe the therapist will be able to help them. Cameron suggests that they f*ck in their ring gear. Nikki expresses a desire to do this with Cena. There you go, fanfic writers.

EVA GETS HER TEST RESULTS- we don’t know what they are yet, but in an aside, Eva tells us that it is very bad news and she doesn’t know if she even wants to tell her husband yet because she doesn’t know how he will react. Then they go to commercial. I’ve got to say that this is probably the first truly effective cliffhanger I have seen in my (admittedly limited) experience with this show. It is also the first time I have ever felt any sympathy at all for Eva Marie.

EVA’S BAD NEWS- she might not be able to have children, and children are the one thing her husband really wants. He says he will stick with her no matter what. Eva laments that she can’t go to her family for support because of the events of a few episodes ago when they had a big falling out.

THE USO FAMILY & NAOMI ARRIVES IN HAWAII- they have not heard from Rikishi yet… but at least their hotel/timeshare/whatever is very nice.

EVA’S HUSBAND ENCOURAGES HER TO TALK TO HER MOTHER ANYWAY- they have a disagreement about it. He does the dialing and talks to the mother before giving Eva the phone. Her mom is a b*tch to her. After the commercial break, Eva gives her mom the news and her mother ceases to be a b*tch and starts to actually be a parent.

THE SEX THERAPIST VISITS NATTIE & TJ-
Oh my G-d this! This was utterly hilarious.
TJ is not happy about this and thinks it is unnecessary- which I’m sure is the reaction any guy would have to something that implies that his woman is not happy with the way he has been boinking her. The sex therapist suggests “sex-proofing” the house. She apparently has no idea what the suffix “proof” means in this context because the way she suggests that they “sex-proof” their kitchen is by having Nattie put a banana… um…. “somewhere interesting” was the term that they used… and then have TJ eat it. I swear to G-d this all happened.
Nattie is also apparently such a prude that she did not grasp the clear implication that the interesting banana-insertion location would be her hoo-ha.
The sex therapist then leads them around there house, making the following comments:
“Oh! Look at this! The office is all about rear entry.” (TJ replies “gotcha.”)
“Here we are in the hallway, and this is where the postman always comes twice.”
She tells them that they should have sex right in their front doorway with the door open. Nattie observes that the neighbors might see them, and the sex therapists responds that that is the point.
It is only at this point that Nattie tells us in an aside that “this woman is a little kinky.” Not after suggesting butt-sex. Not after suggesting that Nattie jill herself with fruit and then feed the phallic-shaped produce to TJ… but only after she suggests that they have sex where someone might see them does she realize that this woman is kinky.
TJ tells a romantic version of the story of the first time they got together (while nice music plays in the background). Nattie says that she had totally forgotten that night.
They sit together on the couch, not even really cuddling or anything, and the therapist observes “I think he’s getting turned on right now. What erotic chemistry you both have.” This woman acts and speaks EXACTLY like what I would expect a bullsh*t sex therapist on a sitcom to act like.

The Uso & Naomi families are getting along nicely, but Rikishi still hasn't shown up. The Usos and Naomi go somewhere quiet and it is revealed that rather than go to his son's wedding, Rikishi took a last-minute booking. Jimmy Usos is understandably upset by this. Jey Uso gives them an inspirational speech about how much they love each other.

CAMERON & THE BELLAS ASK NATTIE HOW IT WENT-
Nattie says it was weird, but that it went well. One of the Bellas (Brie, I think), flat out asks her "did you have an orgasm?" Cameron wants to know if TJ "hit it from behind." Neither question was ever answered. In an aside, Nattie tells us that she doesn't want to give the other girls the details... but she is apparently perfectly fine giving them to a worldwide audience on TV. Don't worry Nattie. They'll never find out. I promise to keep your and TJ's secret safe.
They decided to try some role-playing, in which TJ was a burglar, and Nattie was a sexy schoolgirl. We got some goofy security camera footage of TJ trying to break into his own house by going through a window.

We then see clips of Nattie's match the next night against Aksana, and Cameron and the Bellas praise her performance. Summer Rae was in one shot also watching the match but not saying anything, being treated like a complete and total background character. Cameron speculates that the reason Nattie had such a great match is that "she must have got a little something-something last night."

NAOMI & JIMMY'S WEDDING-
Naomi and her father share a touching moment before he walks her down the aisle. Then we see the wedding and it is all very nice. As they are walking up the aisle together after having been married, someone starts an "US-O!" chant.

EVA'S PARENTS SHOW UP- they are acting like good parents finally. Mostly. Eva puts her husband over, and the father also accepts that the husband is doing a good job of taking care of Eva.

MOMMA USO WELCOMES NAOMI TO THE FAMILY- very nice.

The show then closes with Naomi saying "this is what life is all about."

I am by no means a fan of reality TV, but I actually enjoyed this episode of Total Divas a lot. I think this is what people look for in reality TV. A combination of real, relatable problems and wacky hijinks, all involving people who (and this is the key right here) are likeable. Most of the time on this show, the Bellas are mean and catty, with Nikki being a total idiot, Cameron is totally wacky (and her boyfriend Vinny is both wacky and stupid), Eva is a totally incompetent moron, and TJ is a putz. This time Eva was having a relatable problem with real drama, acting like a real person instead of a character on a scripted TV show, TJ's putziness was toned down, and the Bellas and Cameron... well... they weren't the focus of this show, so they didn't have time to be mean or stupid or insane.
Instead we got hijinks with Nattie and TJ that, while certainly wacky and outrageous, weren't logic-defying or stupid, and relatable problems for both Trinity and Eva Marie with both having mostly happy resolutions. Eva's family actually acted like a family to her and started to accept her husband, which was very nice to see both because of the reunion of parents and child in very tough times and because it really felt like vindication for her husband (who really got shafted by both their dislike for him and Eva's idiotic attempt to cover up their marriage which led to their strife) as he finally gets the respect and appreciation he deserves from Eva's family (with Eva really sticking up for him).
While Naomi & Jimmy's story about Rikishi not showing up to the wedding didn't have the happy ending people were looking for, we did see the two families meshing together and we know that while Rikishi might be a giant ass (see what I did there?) for taking an indy booking instead of going to his son's wedding, we know that the family accepts Naomi and are left with no doubt that they will live happily ever after. If the show was like this more often, it would be infinitely more watchable.