BRM Reviews the 5/12/2014 Raw (hated it)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- Shield promos were good, but Evolution showing up at exactly the right time and the camera already being on their car and everything was kind of hokey. I also don't see Hunter as the kind of guy to show up late to his show. I also don't like how now that Hunter and Steph are part of separate angles, they don't appear to ever do anything together at all.
Oh. And the Shield got help back by a bunch of referees.

ROB VAN DAM vs. JACK SWAGGER (w/Zeb Coulter)- DUD!
Rose comes out and distracts Swagger before the match even starts. When Swagger finally gets his attention back on RVD, RVD kicks him ONCE then hits the Frog Splash for the win. This advanced absolutely nothing in this angle because this is exactly what happened on Main Event (which probably had a higher viewership than usual because of the hyped-up Cena promo). Also, How does this make Adam Rose look good. He just comes off like a jerk, bothering Swagger and Zeb for no reason at all.

PAIGE vs. ALICIA FOX- DUD!
Pretty sure we've already seen this match recently. At leas they changed it up a bit by having Fox cut a pre-match promo and taking a cheap shot to start the match off. In her pre-match promo, she insinuated that all of the other Divas hate Paige because she is "different" and the implication is that the problem is either her skin color or possibly her lack of... curvy-ness. The problem here is that the angle the announcers have been putting over is that ALL of the divas, regardless of face or heel affiliation, don't like Paige... so while we could assume that Fox is lying (she is a heel, after all), it seems more likely that she is correct... which would make the babyface Divas into TERRIBLE people.
Anyway, Fox beats the sh*t out of Paige... then Paige hits ONE MOVE and gets the pin. I thought we were past this crappy phase for Paige. BOOO! And did you see how awesome Fox was as a heel? She deserves so much better than this! I mean come on! She threw a totally awesome heel temper-tantrum on the outside, then made herself feel better by STEALING JBL'S HAT!
If you want to bill Paige as the "Anti-Diva," you can't have her do things like the NXT Summer Vacation photo-shoot (which, for those wondering, had a severe lack of Alexa Bliss).

DRAGON WILL BE HAVING NECK SURGERY AND WILL BE OUT FOR AN INDEFINITE PERIOD OF TIME- Sad news, though I find it strange that they aren't doing an angle to set this up. Also, there was no mention whatsoever of the concept of vacating the title.

JOHN CENA & THE USOS vs. THE WYATT FAMILY- 6.5/10
Match was fine but the finish killed it. Why does WWE insist on being so horribly counter-productive. Big scary monsters aren't scary if they always lose, and if Cena always wins, you destroy people's ability to believe that he ever will lose, so they stop caring. Furthermore, this was a rematch from Smackdown... and no mention whatsoever was made of the result of that match, which saw one of the tag team champions get pinned. That is something that needs to be followed up on, and having the team that pinned them lose is NOT how you do it! Even if the tag champs weren't involved, this finish was still a mistake. Yeah, the bad guys might have won on SD, but they never mentioned that fact so the people who didn't watch SD only know that the good guys won here, and for the people who did watch SD, doing this rematch with the babyfaces winning not only undoes everything from Smackdown, but not even mentioning that the bad guys won on SD and then undoing everything makes us wonder why we wasted our time watching SD at all.
The announcers put this over as if it is a huge victory for the guy who always win anyway against some guys he has already beaten. Cole then tells us that "Cena has stalled Bray's message. At least for now." HOW?! Maybe for this immediate second he has, but what's to stop Bray form just grabbing a mic and talking, spreading his message anyway? The answer, as we found out, is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, because that's exactly what Bray did!

BRAY WYATT PROMO- apparently this match has shown Bray exactly what he needs to do. Ummm... sure. Whatever.

EVOLUTION PROMO- Shield vs. Evolution is booked for Payback. Hunter says they are going to take the Shield out, one by one. Just as he was finishing his promo, the Shield jump Evolution from behind like cowards and then beat them up. How does this get any heat?
We do wind up with Batista vs. Roman Reigns tonight. That should be very good.

NIKKI BELLA vs. NATALYA- 1/10
They are having this match because on this week's Total Divas, Nattie sent Nikki a housewarming gift, which was a painting of Nikki and Cena making out, which Nikki thought was weird. Being an idiot, Nikki thought that the weird part was that she looked bigger than Cena in the painting. Yeah. THAT's the weird part. Not the fact that Nattie painted a painting of two of her friends making out (and to make matters worse, to anyone with a brain- which would be everyone but Nikki, the TNA booking staff, and whoever thought this whole segment up-, it is quite clear that Nikki is straddling Cena and thus it would make perfect sense for her head to be above Cena's).
Anyway, this whole thing seems to have hurt Nattie's feelings, so they are having a wrestling match. Wasn't it Nattie who had the same exact problem last season when her mother sewed a horrendously ugly wedding dress for her? The fact that she is still upset about it all of these months later makes her look extremely childish.
And, of course, there is the part that annoys me the most about this. TOTAL DIVAS IS NOT A LIVE SHOW! Such a thing would be completely impossible with all of the cut-aways and things taking place over more than an hour, etc. etc. And even if it were done 24-style, everyone would STILL know it isn't live. The plot synopsis for the season finale this season is Dragon and Brie's wedding... which has been acknowledged on Raw... ON THIS VERY SHOW, IN FACT, as already having happened! Total Divas was taped MONTHS AGO, so why is this incident suddenly relevant on WWE TV right now! It makes no sense in any context!
I also completely fail to understand what they think they are gaining by doing this. The people who tune in to Raw do so because they want to see WWE Monday Night Raw the professional wrestling/sports entertainment/whatever show, while the people who tune in to Total Divas do so because they want to watch a reality show about the lives of WWE Divas (or, like me, want to make fun of it on the internet). The Raw viewers all know about Total Divas already (WWE has made it kind of impossible to not know about it), and if they wanted to watch it, they already would. The Total Divas viewers already know about Raw (if they don't WWE is doing a bad job), and if they wanted to watch Raw, they would. You aren't going to attract any more people to your everyone-knows-it's-scripted wrestling show by setting up feuds for it on your reality show. In fact, that probably just alienates the reality show audience because if they are "resolving their issue" by having a fake wrestling match on the fake wrestling show, it means that this supposedly real issue on the reality show is probably fake, too. As for the Raw viewers, you are jut annoying the hell out of them by taking time out of your wrestling/sports entertainment show to push this thing which they don't care about in ways that make the show they are trying to enjoy make no sense at all and make their favorite characters look like immature idiots.
And, to make things even worse, they had the other total divas holding up paper signs with numbers, whenever Nattie or Nikkie hit a move, like they were judging it. This was all done so Nattie could get upset after the match, which probably won't lead to anything at all.

I realize I've been negative a lot about this episode of Raw so far, and I have ranted on the attention they give Total Divas several times in the past, so I will now attempt something revolutionary. I am going to present a scenario and a marketing plan for how WWE actually could use the two shows to attract some viewers from one show to the other:

Have a match on Raw (or Smackdown or Main Event or Superstars if you want to protect Raw) between Nattie and someone who just plain isn't good in the ring. Eva Marie, for example. Have them have a match that starts off poorly, with Eva screwing up a lot... then have Nattie lay in some STIFF slaps and start to stretch her. A lot. Have the match go for a longer than anyone thinks it should with Nattie just putting Eva in various submissions, then have Nattie get the win with something other than a Sharpshooter- with Eva tapping like mad). Then have Nattie brush off the ref's attempt to say something to her, and have her just walk angrily backstage, with no celebration at all. Then you NEVER MENTION IT ON RAW AGAIN.
Meanwhile you film Hunter or Vince or Steph or whoever yelling at Nattie at gorilla for stretching Eva Marie and for taking too much time. Have Nattie yell back a bit that Eva f*cked up the match and that Eva sucks and hasn't learned anything and shouldn't be on TV. Have people start Tweeting about things and have someone leak the story that Nattie was pissed with Eva and shot on her. Have Nattie get suspended, but don't mention it in any way in any kayfabe location. Just announce it on the website and never mention it again.

Then, for your next season of Total Divas, you can hype up this big controversy and use all of your footage for this episode of Total Divas. Do it like they used to do the Confidential stories on things like the Screwjob or Austin walking out. This isn't a scripted thing. You are telling the story after the fact. Raw fans will often go for things they think are shoots, and you can have people (especially Nattie) talk about the great tradition of performance in wrestling and how you need to police the business to make sure everyone respects it and tries their best. You'll get Nattie over as a bit of a badass, bring Raw viewers to Total Divas (for at least one episode) and hopefully educate the Total Divas viewers a bit about wrestling. That it's not just fake fighting with soap opera stories. That it is an art form with long-standing traditions and people who take it very seriously not because they are being fooled into thinking it's real, but because they are performers who take pride in their art and fans who are appreciating the art.

SHEAMUS vs. CURTIS AXEL (w/Ryback)- 4/10
Axel and Ryback came out to the ring and flipped a coin to decide which one of them would wrestle. WHAT THE F*CK?! Was the match just booked as “Sheamus vs. Axel or Ryback?”
Sheamus wins clean, but gets jumped by Ryback from behind. Good way to set up Ryback as a challenger for Sheamus, probably at Payback. Two huge guys brawling it out for the US Title. That’d be worth paying for.

SHEAMUS vs. RYBACK (w/Curtis Axel)- 6.5/10
Or you could just give it away for free, right now, with no hype and no title on the line, and have the already tired Sheamus beat the completely fresh Ryback despite the fact that Ryback jumped him from behind to start the match.
I really enjoyed the match, but I am totally baffled by the booking.

Sheamus and Cesaro will face off tomorrow night. I just… I don’t get it. If I were booking this, I would have had Sheamus beat Axel clean, the have Ryback attack Sheamus from behind and work over his ribs a lot. Then you can do a segment later tonight with an angry Sheamus demanding that the Authority give him a match against Ryback, which they book for tomorrow night on Main Event. On Main Event you have Sheamus sell his ribs, and between this pre-existing rib injury and Axel distracting him on the outside, you have Ryback beat him.
On Smackdown, Ryback cuts a promo bragging about beating Sheamus and saying that he wants a title shot. Sheamus, though, is booked against Cesaro, who beats him cleanly, though you make it clear that Sheamus’ ribs were giving him trouble. Sheamus puts Cesaro over on the mic after the match, then says that he wants to kick Ryback’s ass. Then Ryback attacks him from behind with a weapon, working over his ribs.
Next week, in Europe, you have Ryback brag about putting Sheamus out of action, but then have Sheamus triumphantly return through the crowd and send Ryback running. On the Smackdown from Europe you have Shemaus win a match, but get attacked by Ryback again. You announce that he will be out of action until the PPV, and you hype up the PPV as Sheamus getting his revenge on Ryback and Ryback getting his title shot. Sheamus wins at the PPV. Then, for the next PPV, which is only three weks away, you build up Sheamus vs. Cesaro. Cesaro is getting the title shot he earned by beating Sheamus, but Sheamus is totally healthy this time. You put Cesaro over clean at the PPV and have him defend the US Title against a whole bunch of challengers to both build up Cesaro himself and the currently-meaningless US Title, until you are ready to move Cesaro on to the next level, whether that is the world title at Mania, Mania with Brock (you could have Heyman screw him out of the title to keep him strong) or whatever other match you have planned.
Instead, they buried Ryback and are having Sheamus face Cesaro with no build in a barely-hyped match that no one who doesn’t already have the Network will pay to see.

STEPH SEGMENT- Steph’s promo was good and everything, but it seems really weird to announce that Dragon will need neck surgery, THEN do an angle where his neck gets injured more. When I watched this segment, my first thought was “how fortunate that he got attacked tonight. He is already scheduled for neck surgery, so they can just fix that right up.”
It would have made SO MUCH MORE SENSE to do an angle, and then AFTER Raw, you announce that Dragon will need neck surgery. This creates buzz between shows, gets people to tune in to Main Event (and maybe even Superstars or Smackdown) for an update, and eliminates the question of “why has no one mentioned what will happen to the WWE World Heavyweight Title if they already knew the surgery was coming?”
The other problem with this segment was that it felt very repetitive, and the stuff with Steph and Brie only increased that feel.

For some reason, they thought that showing us Fandango first making out with Summer Rae, then showing him making out with Layla would show us how much better his life is that he is now with Layla instead. A few problems here:
1. If you are making out with Summer Rae and complaining about it… I really don’t know what to tell you.
2. For those of us who find Summer to be much hotter than Layla, his quality of life actually seems to have gone down, so that defeats the purpose of the whole thing.
3. The clip of Summer and Fandango making out was from Total Divas… an episode of Total Divas that aired AFTER their televised break-up, so once again, the stuff that happened on Total Divas happened MONTHS ago, so you’re killing the timeline.
4. On the episode of Total Divas in question, Summer and Fandango decided to just be friends… so why is Summer so f*cking upset about this?

DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. FANDANGO (w/Layla El)- 4.5/10
Anyway, Layla gets tangled in the apron, which distracts Fandango, leading to Dolph getting the win. Fandango confesses his love to Layla after the match and they make out. Good for them. and OI’ve got to agree with JBL: It was kind of uncomfortable to watch them kissing for so long.

HACKSAW DUGGAN SEGMENT- PERFECT BEST THING ON THE SHOW BY A MILE!
He comes out, does his stuff, QUICKLY plugs Legends’ House, then gets interrupted by Lana, who brings out Rusev to CRUSH him. Hacksaw sold the fact that he was clearly afraid of Rusev by brandishing his 2x4, but his pride in the USA was too great to allow him to beg for mercy, so Lana sicced Rusev on him. Big E. came out to make the save, but Rusev got the best of him.
THIS is how they should be plugging WWE Network shows! You quickly (and that is key: QUICKLY) plug the show, and do so in a way that DOES SOMETHING FOR THE REST OF THE PRODUCT!

SANDOW PROMO- If the guy crashes the pre-show, and is about to say things you don’t want him saying, to the point where you feel the need to shut off his mic, why did they not cut off his mic as soon as he started talking? In fact, why would you allow him to go out to the ring at all?
DAMIEN SANDOW vs. CODY RHODES (w/Goldust)- 4.75/10
Cody uses an eye-rake to get the win, and both of the babyface announcers as well as his babyface tag team partner are perfectly okay with it. WHAT THE F*CK?!

BRAY WYATT PROMO- not good.
Bray says that in his promo on Main Event, Cena said that he would not quit, even if he was the last man standing. Because of this, Bray challenges Cena to a Last Man Standing match. Sounds good… until you think about it. Cena said that he would not quit even if he was the last man standing. In a Last Man Standing match, you beat the other guy down until he is not physically able to get up anymore. So what does Bray accomplish by winning? He will not have caused Cena to break his word or go against his morals or anything like that. This really should have been an I Quit match… so that Cena would have to quit.

ROMAN REIGNS (w/the Shield) vs. BATISTA (w/Evolution)- 2/10
A quick DQ. What a great main event.
Steph then sends a whole bunch of heels out to beat up the Shield. We’ve seen this a million times before. TO make matters worse, one of the heels in question was DAMIEN SANDOW… who has supposedly been trying to cut shoot promos on them! So why is he helping them!

Anyway, the Shield get chairs and beat them all up. That was good, but Hunter shouldn’t have taken the spear (and he didn’t seem to be selling it much, either, so that was also bad)


A horribly frustrating show from WWE. Very bad, and a lot of things that just don’t make sense.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Cole says that Fandango “has really been like a new guy since getting involved with Layla.”
HOW?! He does the EXACT same things he used to do, acts the exact same way he used to, has the same attitude that he used to. The only thing that has changed is who he is dancing with!