BRM Reviews the 1/26/2016 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

THE CAMERAMAN WANTS JEFF’S THOUGHTS ON MATT’S TURN- tells you what the main thrust of this show will be.

OPENING SEGMENT- not so good.
Jeff calls out Matt, who comes out with Reby and Tyrus… and Tyrus is the one holding the baby, which is just fantastically heelish. Other than that, I really didn’t like this at all. It just felt extremely generic in a situation that called for something else. Matt’s last line was pretty great, though.

FEAST OR FIRED MATCH- 0.5/10
Do you think there will be some way for Grado and EY to both get the Fired case? I can dream, can’t I?
The match was boring and went WAY too long. All I could think while it was on was that this time could have been spent watching the ROH show from Indianapolis or finishing New Year Dash 2016 or re-watching some Lucha Underground in time for tomorrow’s season 2 debut. The spot with Drake and Drew on the turnbuckle was stupid. If Eli just wanted a briefcase, why didn’t he go to the pole he was closest to? Or any of the other poles WITHOUT Drew in the way?
Your briefcase-getters are Grado (please be fired), Drew Galloway, Eli Drake, and James Storm.
At least I don’t have to wait for weeks for them to open the briefcases.

KURT ANGLE & JEFF HARDY BACKSTAGE- okay.

It feels like they’ve been playing this commercial for the Knockouts calendar for a year already.

TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH: Tigre Uno(c) vs. DJ Zema Ion vs. Mandrews- 5.5/10
More guys getting X-Division Title shots for no reason. They did spots. Tigre sold his shoulder a lot but the announcers didn’t even talk it up. Mandrews did that idiotic skateboarding headscissors spot again.

GREG HELMS COMES OUT TO TALK TO TIGRE UNO- he books himself in an X-Division Title match next week. And hey, if all of these other X-Division guys can keep getting title shots without earning tem, why can’t the Hurricane get one.

Josh is saying that Hardy vs. Hardy will be for the world title, but the graphic didn’t mention that at all. I’m pretty sure Josh is right, so that’s a big screw-up on the part of the graphics department.

KONG GIVES THE DOLLHOUSE A PEP TALK- fun
She said the following: “I am The Kong. The Majestic Beast.” She NEEDS to make this a catchphrase. In fact, whenever they talk about her, the other members of the Dollhouse should reverently refer to their leader as “The Kong,” as if it is some sort of title that means “chief ass-kicker.”
As Kong walked away, Rebel led the other two in some sort of pro-Kong chant. It was great.

JESSE GODDERZ & ELI DRAKE HAVE A SHIRTLESS MEETING- waste of time.
Eli Drake is going to peak in his briefcase before the “briefcase revealing ceremony.” Quite the rebel that Eli Drake is.

MATT HARDY & KURT ANGLE BACKSTAGE- Matt was very good. Kurt was a bit too melodramatic at times.

DOLLHOUSE IS BARRED FROM RINGSIDE: Awesome Kong vs. Velvet Sky- no rating. Good semi-squash.
Hahaha Velvet looks like such a jobber. She really looks like she is nowhere near being in Kong’s league.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Kong beats Velvet up some more. Madison comes out to make the save, but gets beaten up by the Dollhouse (including Marti and Jade giving her the world’s lamest Total Elimination). Josh also miscalled Jade’s Package Piledriver as a “Cradle Piledriver” which is a totally different move. Then they made Madison watch as Kong gave Velvet the big splash.

AMERICAN WOLVES PROMO- Good (although Eddie’s part was kind of weak in the middle.

BRIEFCASE OPENING CEREMONY- way too overdramatic. They need to just do this like they would at a wrestling show instead of trying to be a TV show.
The dramatic background music needs to go. Also, that weird screen effect that is f*cking up JB’s face.
We went to commercial and when we came back they dragged this out with JB telling the wrestlers sh*t they clearly already knew. It felt like they were just dragging it out so that their music could make it seem more dramatic, but the combination of the music and the pointless exposition made this feel way too over the top.
Then Mike Bennett and Maria randomly showed up. They argued with Drew. The dialogue was horrible.
Now… back to the briefcases.
Eli Drake will be getting a shot at the King of the Mountain Title. He also hit Grado on his way out, which made me giggle.
And apparently we’ll find out the rest of them later.

THE WOLVES vs. CRAZZY STEVE & ABYSS (w/a female clown)-
G-d damn it Crazzy Steve has corrupted Courtney Rush! There is no end to the horror is capable of wreaking on the wrestling world!
This was fine aside from the part where Steve tried to bite Davey’s foot THROUGH HIS WRESTLING BOOTS. You’re supposed to be a serious heel now, Steve. Not a clown.
Then we got a f*cking stupid finish. The Wolves were about to double-double stomp Steve to death but got distracted when Courtney Rush showed up with their title belts… despite the fact that they weren’t even looking in her direction. Only one of them went to go take the titles back because the other one needed to get hit with a Black Hole Slam. Rather than go for the cover, Steve and Abyss just stood there. When Davey tried to get back in the ring after taking the titles from Courtney OFF CAMERA, Steve hit him with mist for the intentional DQ. F*cking stupid bullsh*t.
The Wolves got beaten down afterwards with a lot biting from Courtney Rush. Abyss gave Eddie a chokeslam and almost pulled his pants down in the process.

BRIEFCASE OPENING CEREMONY, PART 2-
JB explains everything to the wrestlers AGAIN.
Before James Storm could open up his briefcase, we got stupid comedy with him and Roode. They got the tag title shot, but Storm trolled Roode into thinking he got fired first because Storm is a dick. They both hit Grado on their way out as well.
Also, this means that Drew won’t be getting fired because he’s Drew, so GRADO IS GETTING FIRED!
World Heavyweight Title shot for Drew and a PINK SLIP FOR GRADO! Hooray! NO MORE GRADO! Sucks to be Grado! Go back to Scotland and never come back you annoying, unfunny, no-talent sack of sh*t!
:ymparty: :ymparty: :ymparty: :ymparty: :ymparty: :ymparty: :ymparty: :ymparty:
Grado is crying about how this is the worst day of his life and I am just laughing my ass off!

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Matt Hardy(c) (w/Reby Sky & Tyrus) vs. Jeff Hardy-
Before the match, Eric Young shows up to annoy everyone. He claims that he is the #1 contender because he has the King of the Mountain Title (actually, he said it was because he is “the king of wrestling”).
Bram jumps Jeff from behind. Matt just stands there and watches. He did look sad, though. Storm and Roode came out to make the save. Then Abyss and Crazzy Steve came out to attack Beer Money so they all brawled to the back.
Then Kurt Angle came out. Didn’t he claim to have Jeff’s back? Then what took you so long to get out here, Kurt? Tyrus attacked Kurt from behind and Matt KOed Kurt with the TNA World Heavyweight Title belt.
EY and Bram went back to beating Jeff up. Jeff made a totally unnecessary comeback all on his own, but then EY put him through a table with a piledriver.
I got what they were going for with this, but it felt very clumsy to me. Bram and EY’s involvement is just so out of nowhere, and in retrospect, the whole thing seems to have been done to set up Matt vs. Kurt, which, honestly, is a waste of Kurt Angle, both because the match won’t be what everyone is looking for on the Kurt Angle Farewell Tour and because Matt is a big enough star that beat Kurt really won’t help him at this point.

Not a good show from TNA. It felt like they were pulling a lot of stuff out of their butts or just wasting time with Feast or Fired… BUT AT LEAST GRADO GOT FIRED! YAY!

[NWK2000]

BRM vs Grado needs to be booked just for the promos.