BRM Reviews a steaming pile of sh*t! (6/9/2011 Impact)

[Big Red Machine]

While watching the recap of last week, the following occurred to me: If the papers delivered were firing MICK FOLEY, then why the hell would they have been served to ERIC BISCHOFF? Typical TNA: Overcomplicated stupidity that DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE solely for the purpose of creating “DRAMA” and “SUSPENSE”… which, as always, utterly fails.

Props to Bischoff for explaining why he and Hogan didn’t just undo all of Foley’s changes (like the name change)

OPENING SEGMENT- not very good. Bischoff and Hogan were boring, and Anderson’s promo wasn’t too good. Sting’s promo needs to be broken down into two parts. The first part, about the World Title giving him the stroke to fight Hogan and Bischoff was a great example of one of reasons why I can’t stand TNA right now. On all levels, there are some great words said… but they are never backed up by actions. The most obvious case of this is the new “wrestling matters” slogan… but even on a more local level. When he came back, Sting said that he came back to fight Hogan and Bischoff. Here, he is repeating this, and telling us that he wants the TNA World Title because it gives him the stroke to be able to fight them... but his actions don’t back this up at all! Sting has had the belt for over three months now… and hasn’t used the stroke it provides him to fight Hogan and Bischoff at all… hell… he has barely fought Hogan and Bischoff at all since he came back, and certainly not since Lockdown (The Network gave him the privilege of picking his challenger, not the stroke provided by the title). Well, Stinger? What gives? You have the tools in front of you; why aren’t you using them?

The rest of his promo (the part appealing to Hogan) was AWESOME and saves this segment from being a complete and total failure.

MICKIE JAMES & TARA vs. ANGELINA LOVE & WINTER- 3.25/10

BEER MONEY & ALEX SHELLEY SEGMENT- short and sweet.

MEXICAN AMERICA PROMO- dull. Hernandez needs to stop talking. Anarquia is SO MUCH BETTER on the mic than he is.

JOE-CRIMSON BAR FIGHT- DUMB! This feud isn’t about this sort of thing. This feud is about the streak. There isn’t much hatred here.

MEXICAN AMERICA (w/ Sarita & Rosita) vs. ALEX SHELLEY & JAMES STORM (w/Bobby Roode)- 5/10. Great booking of the finish!

ANDERSON & GUNNER SEGMENT- good.

MEXICAN AMERICA & HULK HOGAN SEGMENT- Atrocious. The Mexicans play the race card, so Hulk responds by saying that he could seduce Sarita and Rosita if he wanted to.

JEFF JARRETT PROMO- AWESOME! Kurt’s promo was good, too.

RVD vs. BULLY RAY- DUD! Before this match, Taz said that a match like this is how TNA shows that wrestling matters. This match was THREE MINUTES LONG and didn’t have a clean finish. Not only that, but Bully Ray, who’s match against AJ at the PPV that this segment was supposed to build up… WAS PINNED AFTER TAKING THREE MOVES! JUST THREE! If he can’t even take three moves, how much of a threat can he possibly be to AJ?
The most disappointing part of this, to me, is that I REALLY LIKED the first two minutes of this match. I saw some stuff that I had never seen before, and I was really pissed at Bubba for jumping RVD! But then they completely ruined it with the AJ thing. Never mind the obvious “why the hell was AJ in the crowd?” I am currently pissed at Bully Ray for (in other words, his heat here stems from) jumping RVD from behind. He is now using that unfairly gained advantage to beat RVD down. I want to see RVD endure the beating and come back and kick Bubba’s ass. Show him that cheaters never win. That playing by the rules will triumph, and other general babyface-ishness. I don’t want to see RVD win because Bubba got distracted by AJ! I want to see RVD win on his own!

ABYSS, KENDRICK, & KAZ- Poorly done, but gives me an awesome idea for an angle. I can’t stand the Sun-Tzu reading Abyss. Kendrick’s character-work was good, though.

Anyway, Abyss saying that he was going to turn the X-Division Title into the “XTreme Title” is a great idea, but this is absolutely the wrong way to do it. To do this angle, you have someone who is seen as both a guy with good wrestling skills and with a touch of high-flying, but also a hardcore guy. On the current TNA roster, the best choice would be a sober Jeff Hardy, but Matt could also do it (I think the perfect bring-in for this angle would be Drake Younger, and the wrestling fan in me can’t stop dreaming of the awesomeness that would ensue if a healthy, in his prime Terry Funk, Shane Douglas, or Super Dragon played this role).
Anyway, you have this guy as a heel who is on good terms with management, win the belt 100% cleanly. He then cuts a promo and says that he is going to make this the “XTreme Title.” You then send out your best babyface wrestler/high flyer. Someone who is X-Division through and through (Amazing Red would be a perfect choice, as would Sabin, Shelley, or AJ). That person says that this is the X-Division. It is about great wrestling and high-flying. The heel then quotes the motto “It’s not about weight limits. It’s about no limits. So let’s throw the limitations out the window.”
This heel goes to management and asks to have his X-Division Title defenses be Hardcore Matches (WWE-style “Hardcore Rules,” meaning no DQ’s and Falls Count Anywhere), and you have your feud from there, with the heel (or is he really a heel?) champ wanting to use weapons and the babyface(s) not wanting to.

VELVET SKY vs. ODB- 3/10. Uch. Boring and dull, and ODB goes down after taking almost no offense.
According to Tenay, “ODB isn’t officially under contract” so why the hell has she been backstage and why is TNA taping promos for her?

STING & EY BACKSTAGE- dumb, especially considering that the kayfabe reason EY is doing comedy is because of a kayfabe concussion that he suffered almost a year ago.

POPE & DEVON HYPE- atrocious. The point of this segment was clearly to explain and hype up a feud that American & Canadian viewers haven’t seen. It did a terrible job of this. I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on. In a case like this, you HAVE TO BE SPECIFIC. Devon saying “the situation” doesn’t explain anything at all to anyone. Also, this is the GO HOME SHOW to TNA’s third biggest PPV of the year. You shouldn’t be wasting any time with something that doesn’t hype that show up.

During the official introductions, JB called the TNA World Title by an incorrect name. Also, if you are hyping up the TNA World Title match by introducing Anderson as the #1 contender to the belt, you should make sure that you call the belt THE SAME NAME when introducing the challenger and the champion!

STING & ERIC YOUNG vs. KEN ANDERSON & GUNNER- 4.5/10 Has anyone ever head of an “inadvertent tag?” WTF? Also, this match was just a bad idea to begin with. The story of Anderson getting someone to help him try to injure Sting is good, and because of that, Sting needs to be the babyface in peril, but your World Champion… and especially STING… should not be making a hot tag to A COMEDY WRESTLER!
This match should have been Sting & Matt Morgan vs. Ken Anderson & Scott Steiner. This would hype a feud that is lacking at the moment, and Steiner agreeing to help Anderson injure Sting makes perfect sense, as Steiner (like Morgan) had announced that he intends to go after the TNA World Heavyweight Title! This way we get a more dangerous pairing to beat down on Sting, and Sting gets to make a hot tag to Matt Morgan who is not only and up and coming star, but who is PHYSICALLY LARGER than Sting himself!

Reactions: ALL CRAPPY!

This episode of Impact was a steaming pile of sh*t. This is the third most important Impact of the year (down only to the go home shows to Lockdown and Bound For Glory)! And they give us THIS? Was THIS supposed to get people to want to buy Slammiversary? The wrestling sucked, the hype was dumb, and the angles all suck!

Stupid Announcer Quotes:
1. Tenay “We have footage of the bar-fight that everybody is talking about”- Really? Everyone? YOU haven’t mentioned it yet. Nor has Taz. Nor anyone else so far. So we have no f*cking idea what you are talking about. Calling it something that “everybody is talking about” but no clueing the fans in just annoys the audience. You HAVE TO TALK IT UP, or else you also look stupid because clearly not everyone is talking about it!

2. Tenay- “Because ODB isn’t officially under contract, she enters from the side, no entrance music”- so all of the one-time appearances during Madison’s title reign (Melissa, Roxxi, and ODB herself) WERE under contract, and aren’t at all being used… while someone who isn’t under contract is being used?

3. Taz says that “you can’t blame Velvet Sky at all” for jumping ODB before their match.- Why can’t I blame her... SHE CHEATED!

4. Tenay (during Velvet vs. ODB) “And you just knew that this was going to be physical between these two”- IT’S A F*CKING WRESTLING MATCH! IT DAMN WELL BETTER BE PHYSICAL.

5. Taz said something moronic about chimpanzees. I don’t even want to take the time to comment on it.

6. Tenay says the tonight’s main event could very well be just as important as the main event at Slammiversary- I get the point he is trying to make (that if Gunner & Anderson injure Sting, it will have a major effect on the title match and possibly on its outcome), but you should NEVER say that a non-title tag team TV match will be just as important as the World Title main event for a PPV!

7. Tenay calls Anderson hitting Sting when Anderson wasn’t the legal man a “cheap shot,” but had no problem at all with Sting knocking Anderson off the apron thirty seconds before that.

[Chris Everlast]

I love how your anger just grows and grows more for every review. Am I a bad person for waiting for the day when you'll just blow over? :p

[Big Red Machine]

I love how your anger just grows and grows more for every review. Am I a bad person for waiting for the day when you'll just blow over? :p

No. And this has already happened in some cases (like my Taz rant from a few months ago)